New Year's Eve in LA

'Twas the night before New Year's, and all through LA
The celebs were preparing for a drunk Holiday
they all dialed cell phones and were hoping that night
To club up at the clubs with the blackest black lights

The men were not proper, the women not prim
They'd flash their fake tits, and sweet abs from the gym
And while Paris had Gucci, and Lohan wore Uggs
Their Agents donned suits, and arranged to buy drugs

Amy Winehouse didn't notice, cause she was still drunk
Tracy Morgan looked forward to acting all krunk
And Hannah Montana would be in bed by eight
Cause she's still a kid and her songs aren't that great

Stretch limos lined Sunset, jaguars double parked
Paparazzi used flashes to photo in dark
They prayed that somebody would shoot a rap star
Or that models would O.D. outside Beauty Bar

And I'd write this more but you get the drift.
It's just rhyming statements, not Jonathan Swift
I just wanted to wish you a lovely new year
Happy '08 to all, and don't drive after beer

The Life of a Fanboy’s Girlfriend

The Holidays have reminded me both of how much of a fanboy I am, and how much of a fanboy my girlfriend isn’t. It’s not her fault, really, she has the makings of a great fanboy.

One thing all fanboys share is a strong evangelist streak. Try mentioning to one that you’ve never seen Lord of the Rings (or that you haven’t read the books). And you’ll find them discussing these great works with the kind of fervor other people reserve for Jesus.

When I met my girlfriend she only had a passing knowledge of Star Trek, she had never seen Star Wars, and she didn’t know what a cylon was. So I really had my work cut out for me. This is one of the reasons why fanboys make such great partners. Every relationship is a huge time investment! If a fanboy were to break up with their partner they will have wasted up to 3 trilogies! I mean the extended editions of LOTR alone are what, 12 hours?

So I’m determined to do everything I can to keep this relationship going, even if it means having to see “high art” at the Getty every now and then. Also, I would need to get all those Firefly DVD’s back…

How the Best Present was Ruined

The Wizard had already came out and I was still playing on my Atari. Now don't get me wrong, I was a lucky kid to have any sort of video game entertainment system, but it is hard to get excited over playing Krull when all your friends are playing Zelda.

This holiday felt different. There was just a certain electricity in the air. That special felling a child gets when they know they are about to get an amazing gift. I had the same feeling the year prior before I opened my very own copy of Mall Madness. Though the chimes of "There's a sale at the Fashion Boutique" hand stopped ringing through the house the warm glow of such a large ticket item was almost enough to carry me through a whole year. Almost.

But the gift giving season had returned once more and I eagerly ripped through the smaller gifts as I hungrily eyed the large box sitting next to my mom. Calendar. Book. Book. Hook rug kit. Book. And then, it was time. The package was larger than my lap but kid adrenaline made it feel like it weighed almost nothing. I tore through the paper as if it was also nothing. The red lettering on the box seemed to glow as I stared down in disbelief, my dreams being made real. Nintendo. I tore open the box ready to smoosh goombas then and there. Wait a minute. These aren't Nintendo parts. These are socks. I looked up at my parents as the tears began to well in my eyes. "We didn't want you to guess what they were, so we put them in a different box." I sad thank you as nicely as I could. Only the numbness that comes from shock kept the pain at bay.

Later on as a sat miserably in my room, I should have been asking myself questions like, "Where did my parents get a Nintendo Box?" but I could only think how close I had come only to have my hopes torn away. I finally left my room to seek solace in some sort of holiday treat. I heard a familiar sound. It was coming from my parents room. Could it be? I ran over and threw open the door. There, on the floor of their bedroom, sat my parents trying to get through world 1-2 of Super Mario Bros.

I can see the humor on the whole gift fake out, but I am still a little confused why they took over half a day to reveal the truth. These things are supposed to go "Ha ha. Socks! Just kidding dear. It's right over there." Instead, to this day, when I think back to what should have been one of the greatest presents ever, I become flooded with bitter sadness and the haunting sounds of the Mario theme.

Holiday Couple Ettiqutte

The Holidays can be a trying time for couples. Fortunately, Funbox is here to give you a few tips to keep your holiday a joyous one. Our Jewish readers will find a Christmas to Hanukkah conversion table at the bottom.

It is generally considered impolite to giggle when your partner mentions "The Yule log."

Always remember to ask if you can help light the Hanukkah candles, and then get all huffy if they say it's too early (it's tradition).

Only the Following "Nogs" are suitable for drinking: Eggnog, Creamnog, and Nognog. The other Nogs: Pinenog, Lardnog, and all Lead-based nogs are just for decoration.

Just remember Santa didn't die on the cross (a common misconception).

While it's cute to tape some mistletoe above a doorway, you're not earning any points by putting it on your dick.

Forgot to buy your loved one a gift? Just remember this simple phrase "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox. We do it on New Years day." This works for both Jews and Gentiles! (Note : do not attempt on actual Russian Orthodox-ers)

Forgot again? "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox, our 'New Year' is on the 5th!"

Does your partner's family do that thing at Christmas where they wear those wreathes on their heads, with the candles coming out? That's weird.

If you and your loved one go caroling, give him or her a sly wink every time you come to the "five goooollld rings" part of Twelve days of Christmas, it's a good way to stimulate guilt and/or a premature marriage proposal. And these are both great ways to score major loot!

Conversion Chart:
Christmas = Hanukkah
Hanukkah = Kwanzaa
Christmas Tree = Menorah
Santa Claus = Candles I Guess?
Mistletoe = Potato Pancakes

Television’s Lost Holiday Specials

An NBC Heroes Hanukkah
After deciding to go in together on gifts, Sylar and Peter face off on whether to get everyone 8 small presents or one big one that's really nice. Linderman reveals that his famous matzo ball soup is really store bought, and Claire thanks the Lord for the wondrous deeds of her ancestors.

Xena: Warrior Christmas
When Autolycus, the King of Thieves, steals all the presents in Amphipolis, Xena and Joxer attempt to recover the town's gifts. Meanwhile, a centaur hopes to lure Gabrielle under the mistletoe.

CSI: North Pole
Grissim and Sara question a polar bear who claims innocence for a series of seal maulings. Meanwhile, Hodges discovers a secret about his family while dissecting an arctic ground squirrel.

Lighting of the Redwood Forest Tree: A CBS News Report Apology
Chronical of the unfortunate series of network decisions, which ultimately lead to 17 deaths, billions of dollars in property damage, and countless acres of wildlife being destroyed.

3rd Kwanzaa From The Sun
The Solomons discover an alternative to the existing holiday, which "offers an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society." Sally and Harry take Kuumba (he principle of beautifying their community through creativity) too far when they begin painting artistic nudes on garage doors. Tommy ponders types of common ground within his culture.

Two Guys a Girl and a Christmas Wish
The trio wonders if it being a holiday is sufficient excuse for getting faced on nogg and having a threesome.

December "24"
After posing an elf, Jack infiltrates a cell within Santa's Work Shop which hopes to plant nuclear bombs in American chimneys. Chloe hacks into Ebay to purchase Miles the Nintendo Wii on his list, and Audrey worries that Jack will be too busy killing elves to get back for the CTU gift exchange.

America's Favorite Crisco Christmas Commercials: Brought to You by Crisco
Although it remains a popular brand of shortening throughout the year, Crisco particularly shines during the holiday season: whether it's being used to make cookies for Santa, as a means of shedding water from galoshes and snow shovels, or has just been applied as a sexual lubricant late on a "Silent Night."

KRLA 5 Action Balloon

Transcripts of the KRLA 5 Action Balloon in use before it was decommissioned.

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Ron Hailman: We now go on to our continuing coverage of Storm Watch 07, lets check in with Chase Faire high above the city in the KRLA 5 Action Balloon. Chase?

Chase Faire: The storm is in full swing, and from what I can see, and that is not much, it shows no sign of letting up, but it shows definite signs of continuing to fire lightning extremely close to local hot air balloons.

Ron: And how does all of this seem to be affecting traffic.

Chase: Hot Air Balloons should expect to experience a multitude of problems as this low pressure front moves through the area. It really is a terrible time to be inside a balloon.

Ron: No Chase I meant the car traffic.

Chase: Unfortunately the high winds have blown us significantly off course. However boating traffic seems to be light currently.

Ron: Thanks Chase, we’ll check in with you later.

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Ron: A high speed chase between the man suspected of kidnapping young Renee Washington and the Los Angeles Police has erupted in downtown Culver City. We go live to Chase Faire who is on location in the KRLA 5 Action Balloon. Chase?

Chase: It looked like the police were gaining on the suspect when they passed below me minutes ago.

Ron: And where are they headed?

Chase: They were headed south and from how fast the moved out my site range, I would say they were traveling in excess of well over 25 mph.

Ron: Any sign of this coming to a peaceful conclusion.

Chase: We hope to have an update for you as soon as a strong southerly wind happens. Back to you Ron.

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Ron: Hot diggity dog, people love a good hot dog and with the world famous Pink’s offering a 2 for 1 special in honor of their 50th anniversary its no wonder that some of the longest lines this L.A. institution has ever seen are happening right now. For more we go to Chaise Faire in the KRLA 5 Action Balloon. Chase?

Chase: Thanks Ron. From what I can make out the people in line seem relatively happy as there appears to be no action on a grand scale taking place. But what I can say is, even from this height the faint smell of hot dogs is making my mouth water. “Hey toss one up guys!” Ha. Just kidding. Back to you Ron.

Mad TV's Sarah Hyland as La'Sarah Wishing Everyone A Merry Krumpmas

An Open Letter to Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him

Dear Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him,

After watching your Transformers movie this weekend, we're pretty sure we can write for you. We are currently working on a spec script which we think will be up your alley. Hell Death: Return to Gun Island, is the story of John Helldeath and his return to Gun Island. We're fairly certain you'll enjoy it as it contains explosions at random moments in the plot, very cool lines about said explosions such as "damn you can't buy that shit on ebay!" and various characters who yell a lot and may or may not explode at any point during the film. Below is a scene from our script, which we're sure you'll enjoy. Please contact us about money soon.

Sincerely,
FunBox

The Ice Storm

Hey do you guys remember that movie, The Ice storm? It was great, I mean I know it didn't do well in the box office, but I thought it was really poignant. Remember when the dad comes home, and no one even realizes he was gone? That scene really stuck with me.

I remember when I first watched that movie. I was 18 and it was winter of 2000. Someone had rented the DVD. It was really cold and I remember my friends and I were all huddled up together under this ratty old blanket in the basement. I went upstairs to make some popcorn. None of the lights were on and there was only this cool gray light coming in from the blizzard outside. I heard a creak from the basement stairs and then I saw that this girl I had a crush on had followed me up.

I was a little nervous. Neither of us were wearing shoes and I could feel the icy tile under my feet through my socks. We made small talk and hugged ourselves, shivering in the cold, listening to the rhythmic popping. We talked about the movie for a little bit and I remember I made some joke about how I thought it was going to be an action flick. As I went to go take the popcorn out, and she grabbed my arm and said “Wait. Just wait a second.” I never told her this, but that was my first kiss.

Do you have any stories about the first time you watched The Ice Storm?
Maybe you can just retell some stories from the film?

The Ice Storm

We here at FunBox feel for all those trapped in the bitter Ice Storms plaguing the Midwest and would like to dedicate this entry to them. Irony abounds in the fact that those who actually are victims of the storm won’t be able to read this blog because none of them have power. But for the rest of you out there who are still basking in the warm glow and gentle buzz of electricity, enjoy (you might want to open a window and let some cold air in as a show of solidarity).

One winter when I was ten years old, my family had gone out to get groceries, but sometime during the hour or so, a storm hit. Our trip back home became a struggle. Everything was starting to turn to ice, the rain freezing as it hit the ground. It was a grueling one mile per hour race to safety. The last couple turns were especially scary as the car began to fishtail. Well scary for my parents, my sister and I were thrilled… thrilled to death! After what seemed like way to long , we finally made it home. The next challenge loomed before us: getting up the driveway.

I had never thought of our driveway as steep until that day. Things that normally don’t seem that daunting become so when covered in a thick layer of ice. As the tires spun around in vain, my father realized that his first attempt was not going to work. He made all of us pile out into the cold to try again without us holding him back (this is the same argument he would use later after the divorce), but still no luck. His eyes passed over my sister and I considering if our tiny arms would be good for pushing. Thankfully I was a small child and he resigned to park on the street like a commoner.

With the driveway clear we began our slippery ascent. My footing failed and since we had began the climb without the proper tethering equipment, I quickly slipped down the slope. Revelation! Sliding down something is fun! The rest of the day was spent using the doormat as a bobsled while my parents sat inside quietly waiting for the pipes to freeze.

What's your best storm story? (Note: people retelling scenes from the film The Ice Storm will be removed.)

Why I Don’t Have a Dog

I don't have a dog but if I did, he'd be magic so I'd name him Presto. I'd teach Presto all sorts of cool tricks, like how to fetch, to sawing a lady in half, and maybe like levitation. Presto would always have your card although sometimes it'd have doggy slobber on it. "How did you know I had the Ace of Spades Presto? You're a good boy! Such a good boy!" Then you'd have to wash off the slobber.

The thing is though, then Presto would start going to far. He'd make the mailman disappear and hypnotize cats so they'd bring him with treats. He'd be so lazy sometimes. I mean, at least conjure the treats your own darn self. Am I right people? Presto sounds really fun, but I think he's a bit too much of a character for me. Anyways, so that's why I don't have a dog.

Does it Count as Cheating?

Funbox gets asked a lot of questions about romance and relationships and with todays new world full of cyber-internet, open marriages, and new ideas about gender, it's sometimes hard to know what "counts as cheating." That's why we've decided to post a guide to help you through the gray areas.

Pornography: NOT CHEATING
Most men (whether gay or straight) look at pornography, and nowadays most women understand that, however if your partner mentions how they hate pornography (i.e. "It promotes violence against women!"), it's important to nod in agreement and talk about how you "just never got into it, I guess."

Reading Erotica: CHEATING
'Cause it's more about feelings.

Noticing other Men/Women: NOT CHEATING
No one expects their partner to "go blind" after a serious relationship starts. But it's important that when your partner notices you noticing, that you say something disparaging about the person you were just admiring i.e. "Her eyes are fat."

Handshakes: SEE CHART
It's surprising how many questions we get regarding whether it's ok to shake someone else's hand when you are in a serious relationship. Use this handy chart for reference.

• If they are taller than you or are menstruating (ask beforehand): CHEATING
• If they are shorter than you: NOT CHEATING
• If they are same height/Bisexual: HUG INSTEAD

Cyberdating/Cybersex: NOT CHEATING
It's ok to have 1 cyber-relationship in addition to your regular relationship. Unless you met your current partner on line, in which case you may only have sex with 1 other person who you have met in a non-Internet setting.

Tickle Fights: NOT CHEATING
Totally acceptable as long as the other person is going "HA HA HA! STOP! I'm gonna pee!" and not "Mmmm. Oh. (blushing furiously) *gasp!* Oh god, I'm gonna pee!"

Poker Night with the Guys: CHEATING
Or it might as well be for all the trouble I get in to for it!

Incest: NOT CHEATING
All families do this.

Being Friends with the Opposite Sex: CHEATING
"Just friends?! Yeah right!" (Gays exempt).

Live to Regret ep. 4

Click to Enlarge

The Radio Needs to Stop Trying so Hard

It’s always fun to learn about something new. And that’s why driving home from work last week, I was excited to tune my radio dial and hear: “Friday at 5:30! Friday at 5:30! Friday at 5:30! (the radio likes to repeat things). It’s time for a new mashup!”

“Wow a mashup!” I thought. “I’ve never heard one of those. What will they be mashing?” My guess was potatoes, as they’re the most famous mashy things of them all. I listened intently to hear how they’d broadcast a yummy food, and wondered if they’d discovered how to harness the power of carbohydrates to compete with satellite radio. Then the music started.

Ugh! Mashups aren’t delicious at all! Turns out they’re just a bunch of songs played on top of each with some guy who yells at you for not dancing hard enough. What was worse, I was already dancing as hard as I could!

Like we we’re not busy enough already, now we’ve got to listen to all our songs at the same time? And hey Mashup: maybe it isn’t such a good idea to “shake it, shake it, baby, shake it don’t stop,” when I’m already running a red-turning light just to make a left turn on Sepulveda. “No officer, I wasn’t on a cell phone, It’s just they mixed Nine Inch Nails with “Flight of the Bumblebee,” and bunch of vacuum cleaner noises and…” Then the officer starts dancing and he makes me dance and I don’t even know the same moves as him.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m officially off the Mash Mix, and now I’m looking for better things. No more confusing fake-not-potatoes-disappointment for this guy. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll check out that new Tuesday Morning Zoo Show. I just love zebras.