Sauron's Blog

2^nd Age 3441 – ARG! Major setback today! Ring was cut from hand by Isildur! Now I can't take physical form until I get it back. :(

Sigh, I remember the days when I could change my form at will. Turning into a giant wolf would be useful right about now. Now I have to be an “unformed spirit”(lame)... Maybe a giant eye? Tomorrow remember to get started on finding that ring.

3^rd age 2463 – Invaded Moria today! Take that Dwarves! Waking up a Balrog was a stroke of genius!

To do:

1. Find that F'ing Ring!(IMPORTANT)

2. Enslave peoples of Middle Earth.

3. Enslave everything else.

4. Rape Tom Bombadil.

3^rd age 2464 – Sick of dealing with Orcs! Every time I turn my back they kill each other. The other day I lost a whole Regiment when they started fighting over meat!
Note to self: Order more meat for troops.
Nazgul are reliable but they're boring, it's all “We shall cover the land in a second darkness my Lord!” and “What does the Eye Command?” I miss Melkor. Also, the very hills have been screaming (and all I did was torture them!)

3^rd age 2570 - Found a neat Giant Spider (Shelob), I've been feeding it Orcs! Where is that Damn Ring?

January 15^th 3019 – Lost a Balrog today, but on the plus side, I think I killed Mithrandir or “Gandalf” as he's calling himself now.

BTW I think Hobbits have the ring. What the Fuck is a Hobbit?

January 16^th: Looked it up, they're like little men! Should get to work on a ring of power to control them. Let's see that would make 3 for elves, 7 for Dwarves, 9 for men, and that should be... 23 for Hobbits. Hmm, poem sounds less ominous now. In meantime, remember to enslave Hobbiton. War to eradicate men is going well!

March 1^st – WHAAAT! Gandalf the White?! He leveled up?! Bullshit! And what happened to the Balrog?! I thought those Fuckers could fly!

Oooh Brainstorm: Flying Nazgul! Brilliant!

March 25^th – There it is! Finally! Oh and it's right here at Mount Doom, that's convenient. Why would Gandalf send them there? I mean the only thing Mount Doom is good for is making rings of power. All they can do is destroy the ring there, not use it to enslave people. Although I guess if they destroyed the ring that would kill me. Oh SHIT!

The Life of a Fanboy’s Girlfriend

The Holidays have reminded me both of how much of a fanboy I am, and how much of a fanboy my girlfriend isn’t. It’s not her fault, really, she has the makings of a great fanboy.

One thing all fanboys share is a strong evangelist streak. Try mentioning to one that you’ve never seen Lord of the Rings (or that you haven’t read the books). And you’ll find them discussing these great works with the kind of fervor other people reserve for Jesus.

When I met my girlfriend she only had a passing knowledge of Star Trek, she had never seen Star Wars, and she didn’t know what a cylon was. So I really had my work cut out for me. This is one of the reasons why fanboys make such great partners. Every relationship is a huge time investment! If a fanboy were to break up with their partner they will have wasted up to 3 trilogies! I mean the extended editions of LOTR alone are what, 12 hours?

So I’m determined to do everything I can to keep this relationship going, even if it means having to see “high art” at the Getty every now and then. Also, I would need to get all those Firefly DVD’s back…