Online Dating Tips

Nowadays, thanks to the internet, it’s easier than ever to date. Gone are the days of only meeting people in your immediate circle of friends and the grotesque spectacle of nightclubs and bars, you may now specify your ideal mate and search through thousands of people that might be looking for you. Here are some tips to maximize your experience.

1: Be sure to know as much as possible about your astrological ‘sign’
Know what kinds of other signs work with yours and what kinds don’t. It is of the utmost importance that you arbitrarily narrow the playing field. While on a date be sure to mention how compatible your 2 signs are, and say things like, “It’s so like a Taurus to not believe in astrology.” Many websites will not even allow you to leave this section blank, so it’s best to be on board; recognizing this as an outdated superstition will only hurt your chances.

2: Only use extreme close-ups or photoshopped images
Appearance is important so it’s best if you try to hide yours, after all if you were attractive you wouldn’t be on a dating website. Another good strategy is to use a picture that is wildly out of date or that has multiple people in it. Are you the hot guy in a tight shirt catching the Frizbee or the troll who is throwing it? Women should also use pictures of themselves with former boyfriends (it shows you can be in a relationship).

3: Mention how you “Hate Games”
Ladies, don’t you hate games? Tell people how much you hate games so they will know how much you hate games.

4: It doesn’t have to be about dating
A lot of women go on dating websites just to meet friends, but don’t spoil a perfectly good evening by mentioning this to your date. Wait until the night is over then, as he leans in to kiss you, mention that you “have a boyfriend.”

5: Meet in a safe place
Like your/their apartment.

Good Luck!

Things I do to my Girlfriend that I think are Funny but that She Finds Hurtful

1. Gently whispering in her ear, “You know who I love? I’ll give you a hint her name starts with a ‘Y’ and ends with an ‘ou’… That’s right Yoko Takahashou, the Japanese Artist, she’s really, really good.”

2. Pretending to forget her birthday, by throwing her a huge surprise party several months before her actual birthday.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night sobbing and when she asks, “What’s wrong” saying, “I just had this horrible nightmare, we were married and had kids and were spending our lives together.” Then trying to make out with her.

4. Spending a really long time looking at, and gently touching, Male mannequins.

5. Playing house with Susie Milksberg, but when my girlfriend comes over, only wanting to play transformers.

6. Saying, “Maybe we should just snuggle tonight.” And then when we’re spooning start to dry-hump and, when she responds positively, saying “Why is it always about sex with you!”

7. When we’re playing Risk saying, “Ok you can take South America!” but then leaving 4 armies in Venezuela that I’ll never use.

7. Faking a pregnancy.

8. Asking her if she ever “just tried not being a robot, just to see how it felt.”

9. Mis-numbering things.

10. Buying her a power tool as a gift and then when she tries to give it to me saying, “No, that’s a girl’s drill.”

And finally,

11. Asking “Who needs a hug?” and then giving her a hug.

Does it Count as Cheating?

Funbox gets asked a lot of questions about romance and relationships and with todays new world full of cyber-internet, open marriages, and new ideas about gender, it's sometimes hard to know what "counts as cheating." That's why we've decided to post a guide to help you through the gray areas.

Pornography: NOT CHEATING
Most men (whether gay or straight) look at pornography, and nowadays most women understand that, however if your partner mentions how they hate pornography (i.e. "It promotes violence against women!"), it's important to nod in agreement and talk about how you "just never got into it, I guess."

Reading Erotica: CHEATING
'Cause it's more about feelings.

Noticing other Men/Women: NOT CHEATING
No one expects their partner to "go blind" after a serious relationship starts. But it's important that when your partner notices you noticing, that you say something disparaging about the person you were just admiring i.e. "Her eyes are fat."

Handshakes: SEE CHART
It's surprising how many questions we get regarding whether it's ok to shake someone else's hand when you are in a serious relationship. Use this handy chart for reference.

• If they are taller than you or are menstruating (ask beforehand): CHEATING
• If they are shorter than you: NOT CHEATING
• If they are same height/Bisexual: HUG INSTEAD

Cyberdating/Cybersex: NOT CHEATING
It's ok to have 1 cyber-relationship in addition to your regular relationship. Unless you met your current partner on line, in which case you may only have sex with 1 other person who you have met in a non-Internet setting.

Tickle Fights: NOT CHEATING
Totally acceptable as long as the other person is going "HA HA HA! STOP! I'm gonna pee!" and not "Mmmm. Oh. (blushing furiously) *gasp!* Oh god, I'm gonna pee!"

Poker Night with the Guys: CHEATING
Or it might as well be for all the trouble I get in to for it!

Incest: NOT CHEATING
All families do this.

Being Friends with the Opposite Sex: CHEATING
"Just friends?! Yeah right!" (Gays exempt).

On a Date with Funbox

Even though Funbox is listed as “Single” on Myspace it still likes to go on dates, here’s the recap of our most recent one!

Funbox doesn’t like to kiss and tell so we’ll keep our date (Who we totally scored with, by the way!) anonymous, lets call her “Kelly.” Funbox showed up at Kelly’s house promptly at 8 and waited in the parlor, chatting with Kelly’s dad. “So what do you boys do for a living?” Funbox is kind of in between things right now, due to the writer’s strike, so we decided to change the subject by accidentally knocking over a vase. Kelly sure looked pretty, and she said that our cologne smelled, “like vinyl or something” which prompted a lot of elbowing amongst us (A long debate over whether to use cologne or not had been settled when everyone agreed that we had to “smell the same” and we all made sure to apply an equal 4 tablespoons).

The real trouble started once we got to dinner. Our original seating plan had only been agreed upon after 2 and ½ hours of vigorous debate and a dice based variant of rock-paper-scissors. Funbox finally agreed that Kelly would sit facing the window “So she could check her makeup in the reflection.” But when we got to the diner she wanted to sit facing the restaurant. Funbox is very chivalrous but we hadn’t brought our dice! Short story long, we took turns sitting to the left and across from Kelly and making excuses to leave the table, with a plan for 12 minute rotations. Dinner conversation was very stimulating, and we made sure to tell Kelly so by paying her complements like, “That’s a good point,” “I couldn’t agree more” and “I find this dinner conversation very stimulating!”

It’s important to make your date feel comfortable and not offend her, so during the movie we all watched Kelly closely and only laughed when she did, and we made sure to ask every 15 minutes if she wanted anything from the concession stand. Then it was time to head home. We told Kelly we had had a wonderful evening and that we hoped we could all do it again sometime. She said she’d “let us know” and then gave us a kiss on the cheek! We’re going to marry her!