Barack Obama, “Don’t fuck this up for me America”

"I need you to not fuck this up America."

In a heartfelt address to supporters in Iowa yesterday, Senator Barack Obama urged Americans to “Not fuck this up for me.” He continued, “I believe we have a righteous wind at our backs and that people are ready for a change. It would be an immense tragedy if we were to fail because someone photo shopped a picture of me shaking hands with Osama Bin Laden or something.”

Obama elaborated on other possible scenarios that might cause him to lose the upcoming presidential race because of what he calls the politics of fear, “In the next few days you’ll probably hear some more wild allegations, like that I’m not technically an American citizen because I was born in Kenya, or that I slept with a prostitute during my senate term, or you’ll hear some Nostradamus quote like, oh I don’t know, ‘He will be of two races and will bring the great city in the west to ruin, consuming the land in fire.’”

At this last statement some members of the crowd clearly became agitated and Obama addressed them directly, “That’s not even a real quote! I made it up just now. See, this is what I’m talking about!” Obama urged his supporters to “Just do me a favor and Check out Snopes.com before you send an email to 100 of your friends with a header like ‘Obama = Antichrist?!?!?!’ Can you do that for me America? Can you be cool?”

Voting is Illegal

I know we said that people who disagree with us shouldn't vote, but what about the people who do agree? They should vote! Unfortunately there seems to be all sorts of crazy schemes that go on to try to dissuade people from voting. Usually the approach is spread anonymous rumors and hang posters that state such things as:

If you go to vote and you have an unpaid parking ticket you will be arrested.

Voting has been moved to the 5th.

Voters in your precinct should report to other farther away precincts.

Putting a sign at the edge of cliff with an arrow pointing off the cliff that says vote here.

Hopefully such antics will only result in anvils being dropped on the perpetrators heads.

Lessons

Yesterday, as I watched a very special episode of "Perfect Strangers," Cousin Larry went a little too crazy shooting a film about Balki's life. Then, Balki explained why replacing their friends with actors was wrong, and Larry learned the true meaning of friendship.

Unlike Balki and Cousin Larry, most of the people I know actually work in the film industry. Next weekend, I'm doing a project where I replace all those people with friends. I'm hoping when things go poorly I'll learn the true meaning of acting.

Don’t Vote Please

I remember when my 3rd grade history teacher impressed on me the importance of voting. “It doesn’t matter what you vote for as long as you vote!” Now that I’m a little older, I see how very wrong she was.

I think both Republicans and Democrats can agree that it’s a mistake to “get out the vote.” Sure I like it now that it’s going well for the Democrats, but remember 2000 and 2004 when a whole lot of evangelicals suddenly decided that it was time to get politically involved? That sucked!

Don’t get me wrong I vote for anything. I voted for state controller John Chiang even though I was running against him! But that’s because I actually care about the issues. The last thing we need is a whole bunch of politically uneducated people making snap decisions in the voting booth.

Only vote if you are going to vote the way I do. If you are undecided, don’t vote, (you are clearly dumb). If you are an asshole, don’t vote. If you want a candidate you can have a beer with, don’t vote (same as the asshole one). Stop encouraging people to vote, unless you know beforehand that they are going to vote: Yes, no, no, yes, yes, Barack Obama.

Chiang 2012!

Hey There Delilah Break Up Video

Our latest video is up, and if I do say so myself, it is pretty one:



I think it's about time some one had the nerves to stick it to the Plain White T's. Those jerks and their jerk songs have been getting off for far too long! I bet they never expected their hit song 'Hey There Delilah' to be lambasted by the likes of FunBox Comedy, but that was their mistake. They should change their name to Plain White D's. As in Dese here guys' video got spoofed by FunBox.

Hope you enjoy it.

Stop Takin’ Our Damn Words!

Remember the movie star one-name trend? It seems one day celebrity dieting got so out of hand that the weight of a surname was too much for anyone living in Hollywood's Hills to carry and suddenly stars such as, Brad, Angelina and George were left holding only single name monikers.

Presumably these abbreviations were purely altruistic, as they'd lesson our burdens when talking about important things such as Ocean's Thirteen, and Tomb Raider, and should these single names add confusion to conversations involving non famous Brads: perhaps a son, a mentor, or a life partner, well that was a small price to pay.

Now though, I'm starting to get worried. The one word name trend has spread beyond people and is now sweeping the restaurant industry. Here's a conversation I heard last night when visiting Hollywood:

"Have you eaten at Craft or Ammo?"
"Yeah but I prefer Milk or Eat."
"I've always wanted to try Chocolate, let's go retro progressive and do a Chocolate - Milk thing!"

What if I want milk as a thing to drink or ammo as a means of killing zombies? And frankly I've got a friend named George and he's getting upset that I'm now completely confused by any reference to himself and automatically launch into conversation about ER and Clooney's brief run on the Facts of Life upon hearing his name.

With restaurants and celebs doing this, it's not long before car-makers, trade associations, cable news channels, babies weighing more than five pounds eight ounces, and every-friggen-body-else start claiming hole entire words as their own. You'll ask for "eggs" "benedict" and end up with a debutante from Alabama infected with a very specific form of Lyme disease. The English language will break down as we know it and we won't even be able to shoot each other cause we'll be trying to load our firearms with crap ass eateries located on Highland pushing eighteen dollar broccoli soup.

Anyway, I'm gonna go work on my cave drawings.

Left Behind Series is a Riveting Nonstop Thrillride!

Why is it called the Rapture again?

You have probably asked yourself, ‘what’s the deal’ with Evangelical Christians? “Why can’t they just let everyone have their own beliefs?” you wonder, while you sip your latte and listen to the liberal, leftwing, antichrist run media, with your homosexual friends, on your way to an abortion clinic. “What’s their problem?”

After reading Left Behind I have discovered exactly what their problem is. Their problem is you, or more specifically the fact that you wouldn’t be going to hell right now if you would just give them five minutes to talk to you about Jesus. Would that kill you?

You see, The Bible says “There is no one righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10) I don’t want to get technical but basically this means you’re going to hell. In the novel the protagonist’s daughter questions why a just God would do these kinda awful things (like wanting to send everyone to hell). Her father says, “Careful honey. You think I’m wrong but what if I’m right?”(pg. 165) See, if you question these ideas it’s a pretty good way to let Satan into your heart. Also, you could die any second now. The smart money is on becoming a Christian right now and then working out the details later. And by ‘Details’ we mean ‘figuring out if this actually makes any sense.’

Also in the book: A ton of huge miracles happen, but instead of trying to convert people by saying “Duh! God set the sky on fire, like a week ago, and then everyone who was a ‘real Christian’ mysteriously disappeared, in a very literalist parallel to the book of Revalation!” They think the best way to convert people is to tell them about their own personal life story/decision to come to Christ.

4 Stars!

LoL MaTts

Holy Crazy!

This weekend I was starting to think the Presidential race was getting pretty crazy. I mean here you have one candidate who seems to be opening a gaping lead based on not taking an real positions regarding the fact that all of our money is melting and the guy has VP who only talks about moose, abortions, and how her opponent is a racist because he's black. Good job America.

Then my brother, Tim, sent me a copy of his Bonneville County sample ballot and I realized Idaho is even more America. And by America I mean crazy. Check out their candidates for Senate: Larocco...Marmon...Rammell...hey that's a cool name. What a second! Guy who used to be Marvin Richardson what happened? I know you didn't just change your name to take advantage of an incredibly conservative state and the fact that often times these ballots are hard to read. So what the hell makes a Marvin Richardson into a dude named Pro Life? It is a nickname? Do you get paid to be alive? Or did you just switch in high school because it was easier to fill out on the SATs? Anyway, sorry Tim's not voting for you. He met Larry LaRocco at Beerfest.

How to Murder Someone

So my girlfriend has been watching a lot of daytime TLC and Oxygen. In case you don’t know, TLC stands for ‘The Learning Channel.’ For a channel about learning, I’ve gotta say it sure has a lot of shows about The World’s Fattest Teenagers, and Little People. But one thing I have defiantly been learning is how to murder someone.

Snapped is a show about women who have snapped. By ‘snapped’ the show means ‘have killed their husbands/boyfriends.’ Watching this show is a great How To about murdering. Naturally they don’t actually say, “Police will check your phone records” but they do say, “Police checked her phone records.” After the forth or fifth time you hear about defensive wounds on the husband’s arms and life insurance policies that were taken out only a few days before you start to pick up on some stuff.

So I don’t know if I should be nervous or not, but she’s forgotten about my peanut allergy a few times.

Panty Raid!

If you are a girl stop reading. I mean it.

All right fellas. I am planning a national panty raid. Who wants in?
This Saturday around midnight, find a girl’s house and hang outside her window. Watch her until she falls asleep. As soon as she does, break in. Make sure to yell “Panty Raid!” so she won’t be worried that it’s a burglar. Quickly grab as many panties as you can. If you have trouble finding them, make sure to check the “panty drawer.” That is typically where girls keep their panties. Just in case, it might be a good idea to bring some panties of your own as a back up.

Once you have the panties in your possession, run back outside and quickly strew them about the yard. Strew the crap out of them.

Imagine her face when she sees that her panties are out in public! She will be so embarrassed that you will have time to silently sneak back into the night laughing to yourself about the idea of panties in a yard. (That’s not where the belong!)

For those of you who aren’t in, be cool and don’t tell any girls about it.

Crap. I should have called this blog something else.

Romantic gift dilemmas

This weekend, I was all set to buy my girlfriend a romantic gift but had trouble deciding. She loves chocolates, but then it occurred to me that it's a very fatty desert, and would only contribute to her chances of dying of heart disease. The roses seemed just as bad when I realized it was pretty much saying "hey look, you're special enough that I ripped something delicate from the ground. Hang on to it till it dies much sooner than it would have otherwise."
Jewelry would have been an option but "oh yeah: Blood Diamond."

Apparently, the fastest way to romance is to give a gift that involves destroying something beautiful. If we're killing things for love, why don't we just give our significant others those big mounted moose heads? Or hand 'em a baby that we poached by knocking it off with a bottle of ether? It's like what kind of miracle can I kill to show my girlfriend I care? "Hey hun, I love you here's unicorn blood, you want me to put it over your door or what?"

Call me a romantic, but next Valentine's day I'm planning to light a bald eagle's nest on fire, and when we get married I'm destroying an entire civilization's library of poetry.

Dungeon Crawl!

DM: You come to a clearing in the forest; ahead of you see the castle of Jörmung, it is surrounded by a moat. The old ruin is foreboding.

Elf: Hmm, I check around to see if there is any way across the moat.

DM: The moat surrounds the castle completely.

Wizard: Is there a drawbridge?

DM: Yes, it is ancient and rotten.

Wizard: Do I see any way to bring down the drawbridge?

DM: (rolls some dice) …No.

Fighter: Let's Swim across!

Everyone else but DM: NO!

Elf: Have you never played these games before? Jeeze!

Wizard: I say we wait until nightfall, then the elf can use her bow to shoot an arrow with a rope around it in through a window, or something.

General agreement.

Wizard: We all rest until nightfall. Fighter, you stand guard.

Fighter: I still don't see why we just don't swim across…

DM: Night falls in the cursed woods. You hear the distant howling of a wolf.

Fighter: While they are resting... I pee in the moat.

Everyone else but DM: WHAT?! NO! What's wrong with you?

DM: No, you're all resting, remember? You can't stop him.

Fighter: No wait! I mean- I don't pee in the moat!

DM: Too late! A huge water elemental rises from the moat! A swirling vortex of frothing foamy surge rises to its full height and barrels down on you!

Water Elemental: HOW DARE YOU DEFILE ME! YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE WITH YOUR LIFE MORTAL!

DM: (Rolls some dice) Ok Fighter is unconscious and drowning inside the water elemental.

Wizard: Are we awake yet?

DM: Yes, the water elemental is very loud.

Wizard: I cast fireball!

DM: The water elemental roars in pain. Inside the water elemental you can see the unconscious Fighter being scalded by the boiling water.

Wizard: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

Elf: (rolls dice) I fire my +3 arrows at it!

DM: You want to fire your bow at the creature, made out of liquid, that has your friend inside?

Elf: umm…

DM: (Rolls dice) One of your arrows hits the scalded, unconscious, fighter.

Elf: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

DM: The water elemental surges forward, (Rolls dice). Elf in now engulfed inside the water elemental, next to the bleeding, scalded, unconscious, fighter. The Water elemental turns toward Wizard.

Elf: Blurbble! Blubble!

Wizard: Um, hmm. I have a wand of lightning, no that's no good. A wand of cold…Aha! My wand of teleportation! I zap it at the Water elemental!

DM: With a flash of Mystic energy, the water elemental disappears with your friends still swirling about inside of it.

Wizard: Crap.

Wizard: I zap the wand at myself.

DM: You are mystically transported (rolls dice) Back to the town!

Wizard: Sweet! I head over to the blacksmith's!

Hats

Do you ever wonder how much of life you are missing out of because you are not wearing a hat. And I am not talking about a baseball cap. See that's a cap. When you need to cover your head, you wear a cap. When you need to live, you wear a hat.

If I wore a hat, I could say so many things that clumsy words would fail to convey. If a picture is worth a thousand words, a hat is worth a thousand pictures. With the merest tip of the brim I could communicate volumes. From "hello" to "how ya doin," I could say it all. By going a step farther and lifting the hat off my head I could tell people how honored I was to meet them or ask strangers for assistance in my time of need. When I put the hat back on people would know that it is time. Time for what? Anything. Because when you are wearing a hat life is nothing but possibilites.

It's just a shame hats make my head itch.