Fatalist Thought for the Day:

"As you continue to live, the probability of you dropping something important into the toilet approaches 1."

There are only 2 ways for you to not eventually drop something important into a toilet.

1: Stop living

2: Stop using toilets

In both these cases the cure is worse than the disease!

P.S. is anyone on Myspace anymore? We haven’t gotten a comment in months!

John Helldeath - The Depths of Reason pt. 2

Arms raised in the air, John slowly turns to look the shadowy figure with a gun. Arms also raised in the air, the beautifully deadly librarian Lana also slowly turns to look at the shadowy figure with a gun. John's razor sharp mind whirls a mile a minute trying to figure out who the man behind the barrel of the gun pointing at him could be, for when you make as many enemies as John Helldeath, you learn not to forget a face, but that does little to help when that face is hidden in shadows. John tries to get the mysterious gentlemen to emerge, "Why don't you step out of those shadows and we can handle this like men?" "You mean like how you handled my brother?" "I handle a lot of people's brothers." "I am sure you would remember mine," says the unknow man before he steps into the light revealing his horribly mangled face.

Lana screams at the sight, and John comforts her in his arms. "Oh John! What is it? Its... Its... horrible!" John soothingly, "He's nothing to be scared of." "You should not so lightly ignore the remaining half of the Cartel Brothers, and I believe you still have to pay for my brother's death," Lance Cartel gently strokes his hideous scars, "and for this." With movements almost faster than the human eye, John reaches into Lana's cleavage and pulls out the dagger that was so recently hidden there. With a quick flick the knife burries itself inside Lance Cartel's mangled skull. "Keep the change," says John as the lifeless body drops to the floor. John pulls Lana in close, "Now, where were we before we were so rudely interupted." Lana gives John a wicked smile, "I believe you were about to try to find all my other hidden knives." John leans in to whisper in her ear, "Well Miss McFalcor, I think I'm going to have to look long. And hard." John feels the roundness of Lana's young body fill his hand and he kisses her.

Happy Memorial Day

In honor of Memorial Day, here is a picture of a squirrel in a cemetery with an American flag. If you're from another nation, feel free to imagine that the flag is that of your own nation and that the squirrel is some other small animal native to your soil.

A film for people who have never heard of the Kinsey scale

Apparently, no one in the world in which this film takes place, has heard of the Kinsey Scale. Seriously, if your friends are constantly asking if you are gay, you need better friends.

This movie is a fail.

John Helldeath – The Depths of Reason pt. 1

John grips the handle of the blade, and quickly pulls it out of his shoulder. “I believe this is yours,” John quips as he hands the blade back to the devastatingly gorgeous Lana McFalcor, “You’d figure a librarian would have better aim.” Lana indignantly pushes her horned rimmed glasses back into place before sliding the stiletto knife once again into its hidden sheath nestled in the heaving valley of her bosom. “Maybe I missed on purpose,” bluffs Lana. “Please. We both know you would have done anything to get your hands onto the Eye of Golan, the only thing that can lead you back to your father and my sworn enemy, the evil Dr. McFalcor,” says John as he pulls the fabled jewel out from his pocket. There is little light in the dark backroom of the grenade factory, but what little there is finds the gem and illuminates it with an unearthly glow. “Of course if you had just asked nicely I might have given it to you,” teases John before he starts coughing blood.

Lana rushes to his side, “Oh John, you’re hurt!” “I think you know how to make me feel better.” John passionately kisses Lana. Their torrid embrace knocks free her tight bun, causing her luxurious black hair to fall sensuously around her shoulders. John reaches up to remove Lana’s glasses and finally reveal the hot woman she really is when the sound of gun cocking stops his movements. “I think you will be leaving her glasses on Mr. Helldeath,” threatens a voice from the shadows, “In fact, I think we all might be leaving all our glasses on.”

Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2

Last night I went to The Da Vinci Code 2, or Angels and Demons, which is what they're calling it. I love movies like Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2 because the characters are immersed in a world so exciting and mysterious that I inevitably want to be one of them. There's a lot to choose from in Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2.

First I started wanting to Robert Langdon. He's a symbolist that reads secret books and then is like "oh yeah that fish from 400 years ago? That means the bad guys are at a pinball arcade down the street." I realized I couldn't be him pretty quick though, Robert does a lot of traveling and that gets expensive. I can't rely on my book writing and the occasional free lance job fighting Illuminati to for all that transportation. So that's out.

What about French Chick? I though to myself. French Chick probably has a name and might not even be French, but neither of those things were really important enough to the film's plot for me to remember. What is important though is that she's a super star physicist who harvests anti-matter in quantities so large that it's actually scientificially impossible. What a gig! Not for me though. Mostly she hangs out in Switzerland with the Large Hadron Collider. I like chocholate and all, but I'm not big on skiing, and I'm even less big on being a lady. I'd rather be with the ladies. Am I right guys? High five!

In the end I decided the most realistic job for me would probably be Pope. That guy gets to wear a big ass hat and hang out in the Vatican all day reading it's secret archives. Sure I'd have to travel but those guys always just take up a second collection at church for that, and as for the ladies, I wouldn't have to be Pope till I was an old ass dude. By then I'd probably be to tired for ladies by then. What would tire me out? I'll tell you what: all the ladies I'd get when they found out someday I'd be Pope! Look out ladies. Here comes the Pope!

Ghost Caveman

It's Shorter in Dog Years

There’s got to be a statute of limitations for how long you can haunt a place right? I mean you don’t see that many Caveman Ghosts out there do you?

If you really want to haunt a place for a long time you have to be buried, or have died, with a bunch of likeminded people. If enough of you died in the same place you can get a couple extra centuries! Indian burial grounds and old cemeteries from the 1600’s? Totally haunted! But a single dead Indian? 50 Years tops!

Also, it helps if the place you died already looks creepy. That way people will attribute the random gusts of wind, and occasional noises you produce as something a ghost did instead of just the wind. It must suck for the people who were horribly murdered in a nice sunny park.

Bad Show Reviews

There are few things as wonderful as bad television. The kind of television where you sit there with your friends asking "they actually made that?" And one of the best pieces of television going right now is called Christianmovie.net.

Christianmovie.net, is on "The Word Network" at an indeterminate time on an indeterminate day. I say this because while my DVR is set to record it. Sometimes the show will dissappear for weeks only to show up with another episode just when I thought it was gone for good. Why do I record it you ask? And why do we invite guests to see it? Well let's begin.

The idea behind CMN is that it's a weekly television show designed to showcase, you guessed it, Christan movies. Christian movies are very different from secular movies: namely most Christian movies don't seem to care about: production value, acting, directing, story pacing, writing, or holding a viewer's interest. They do have on thing in commen with normal movies though: length. They're usually about two hours. Unfortunately CMN is only a half hour weekly show. Have you ever spent several months watching a movie? CMN chops up each of their films and gives you a tiny bite to consume each week.

Now every movie show needs a great host, and CMN is no different. It needs a great host, but it HAS Paster Dan. Paster Dan is a portly fellow who inturrupts the film 2-3 times each week to monologue. Despite the regularity of these inturruptions it's fairly obvious that preparation is not a big part of the pastor's ministry. Mostly Dan just improvs about how how much he likes movies saying something like this: "when I was younger I'd go to the movies. They'd be bright and they'd have the candy and the popcorn...and the movies....we need movies....movies are a part of who we are...movies...christian movies. That's why they're so important today."

The previous is not a quote but it's very close to the gist of his ideas. His plan seems to be:

1. Talk about how movies are great.
2. Talk about how he saw some movies one time.
3. Say the phrase "Christian movies" as if all the movies that were good actually were Christian movies which assuredly they were not.

I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish with his plan, but hey he's on television sometimes so more power to the guy.

CMN is a great show for one last reason: in the the middle of the each week's movie episode the movie itself is inturrupted by PREVIEWS of other movies. It's as if the show's saying: "guess what we have a thirty minute time slot to show a two hour movie every week, and we inturrupt it by the ramblings of our fat paster. We're also gonna inturrupt with this!

You will never get through a movie on Christianmovies.net. Not even using your DVR. After four episodes of "Apocolypse" it mysteriously dissapeared to leave us hanging for 4 weeks, only to return with a teaching tale on the dangers of abortion. Which leads to the following dilemma should my girlfriend and I ever become pregnant: if Apocolypse begins and we can't find out if one lone believer can save us all. Is this really a world worth living in? I'm not sure, but I bet that abortion tale will show me the way.

Here's a link the the horrible website if you don't believe me. It's got a picture of Paster Dan:

http://christianmovie.net/

Swine Flu! (Really? A Swine Flu Blog?)

Man. Swine Flu? Am I right? Enough of that bullshit disease!

Time for FunBox to predict the next big pandemics.

• Pig Cold
  
• Porcine Pox
  
• Oink Fever
  
• Black Boar Plague
  
• Snout'ngitis

After we run through those it will be the other barnyard critters turn:

• Chickenrexia
  
• Cowncer

and of course: 

• The Sheeps
  

Nice Outfits

This weekend, we shot four videos in which Willie and Matt, dressed like the above photo, dubbed themselves Baldric and Balthazar, and spent the entire time tormenting Paul. Once edited, the videos will provide a lot of insight into any murders Paul commits in his future.

Mafia Phone Support

When Senator Larson awakens to find a deer head in his bed he can't quite remember which mafia he's offended....

For more fun visit:
http://twitter.com/funboxcomedy
http://funboxcomedy.com

You can call me Jack, Mr. Pibb was my father.

Don’t you hate it when you go to the movies and they don’t have Dr. Pepper?

“We have Mr. Pibb.”

“Mr. Pibb?! He doesn’t even have a master’s degree!”