$1 Story

Walking off Sunset, I'd turned onto Wilcox when I saw it. A dollar! A shiny new dollar...pristine, unclaimed, on the ground waiting for me. Few feelings match the joy of found money, money without work involved, strings attached, or responsibility quick to follow. Found money is what dreams are made of because with it you can buy the frivolous: french fries, candy, a hat for a dog! It doesn't matter what you choose. What matters is that it's unexpected, and it's your responsibility to immediately celebrate your good fortune by trading it for temporary joy. Filled with exultation, and brimming with hope for the future, I bent my knees ready to scoop that tiny green quilt of dreams. Then, just as my fingers grasped the miraculous visage of General Washington, came they horrible voice.

"Hey buddy, do you have a dollar?" - a reclining homeless man only a step away.

Confused and startled, my defenses were compromised. Clearly I had such an object, denial was implausible. Continuing out of my motion of picking it up, I handed it to the drunkard. I walked onward trying to seek comfort in having done a good thing. Then I'd realized...he'd probably seen it the entire time from his spot on the sidewalk. I wasn't helping a man in need. I was picking up after a guy too lazy to grab money! As my dreams of french fries, candy, and dog hats faded into the ether, I realized I'd traded my the glorious dollar for mere emptiness. That and the hope that some homeless guy would choke at McDonald's.

You Broke It, You Fix It

So my crude understanding of economics is if everyone thinks we are doing o.k. then people will give you money and we all get rich. So it really doesn't seem like that much of shock that now that people are worried that the economy is doing bad it's doing bad. If only there was someway to boost confidence in the market....

Oh I know! How 'bout the president gives a speech and says, "Our entire economy is in danger." This seems to be the equivalant of Chicken Little running around and yelling "the sky is falling!" and then when you stop to look up he kicks you in the balls and runs away. I mean in the end sure the sky may be actually falling, but as you lay on the ground holding a wounded junk pile you would probably wonder if there was a more calm way to handle the problem.

I have to admit though that I am very tempted to side on the "Wall Street should suffer for their mistakes" side of the debate, but in the end were all in the same car. Sure the driver shouldn't have been drinking, but your not going to let him drive off the cliff just to teach him a lesson (Plus we shouldn't have gotten into the car in the first place (the car is foreign oil).).

Thanks for listening to my economic metaphors that rely heavily on violence.

Awesome Kids Jokes I've Been Writing

Lately, I've been writing a lot of awesome kids jokes. Is it because someday I want to write an awesome joke book for kids, or is it because I want to annoy my girlfriend by constantly badgering her with pun-oriented punchlines. The answer is both! Here are some of her "favorites".

Q: What do German air marshals eat for breakfast?
A: Luft-WAFFLES!

Q: How can you tell where a pirate's stashed chickens?
A: EGGS marks the spot!

Q: Why do air condition and cooling salesmen feels so popular?
A: They have many FANS!

Q: Where do mollusks resolve their legal disputes?
A: Small CLAMS court!

In the comments, try writing a kids joke of your own, or talk about the jokes you tell that annoy your loved ones!

Tips on How to save Money on a New-ish Computer!

Have you tried turning it off and then on again?

Buy used!

Why spend hundreds of dollars on a new computer when your friend’s friend from work, who’s totally into computers by the way, is going to sell his old computer that he built himself! It’s a wonderful plan that I tried and totally didn’t backfire! For a mere $300 I got a massive ‘tricked out’ computer with a fan so loud, it keeps my girlfriend up at night!

Tech Problems?

You can fix it yourself! Since you bought a custom built computer there really isn’t much in the way of tech support. But your friend’s friend from work is totally available to help you out with any problems you might have. At least that’s what he told me, he hasn’t really responded to any of my e-mails.

There’s always Best Buy.

The Geek Squad was really helpful when, after a few months, massive hardware problems kept my computer from even starting. I took it in to geek squad (still waiting for the ‘manufacturer’ to call or Email me). They unscrewed a few things and plugged them back in and it started working again! They didn’t even charge me! I took it home and started working on my screenplay with a renewed fervor.

Then the screen went jagged, and the speakers screamed a horrific metallic screech at me until I finally pulled the plug on the thing.

President Baby

One of FunBox's good friends and star of 'Astounding Tales of the Hunt' Asterios Kokkinos, has just put up quite an entertaing look at so called Hollywood Pitchfests. These are events where people pay many to get feed back on their scripts from 'real producers.' He wanted to see if he pitched some of the worst movies ever if the producers would blow smoke up his butt or tell him the truth. The results are a true delight. The name of his site (and the title of one of the best pitches) is President Baby. Check this shit out.

Real American Heroes Help You Defeat Little Sisters

The good side of being an older brother is that any time there's a dispute you win. The bad side? Well, any time there's a dispute you tend to get in trouble for it: "He started it!" you say. "Yes but you're older and should know better." "I had it first," is your argument. "Sure" mom says, "but remember you're oldest and you should learn to share more." "I barely touched him!" "I bet," comes the skeptical reply "and even so, you're older so you're stronger."

I won a single fight without a talking to as the oldest, and for that I'd like to thank GI Joe. I was around ten years old. As my younger brother Tim and I were playing, our younger sister, Becky, decided to follow. Presumably we were discussing something important. Probably some sort of high level, secret kid business that should Becky have discovered would have compromised sibling national security, or domestic tranquility. I don't know what our secrets were, but I'm sure President Bush would have understood the need for keeping our little sister in the dark. He probably would have done what we did too, which was to immediately run around the house to find somewhere away from her. The problem though was that little sisters catch on quick...and they can run too.

After several laps, we hit upon a scheme to discourage pursuit. We'd borrow from the fighter jet scenes of GI Joe. Earlier we'd learned that the best way to win a dog fight was to fly directly into a cliff and pull up at the last second. Cobra's reactions were slower than those of the Joes. They wouldn't pull up in time and the maneuvers always resulted in a fiery crash of the Joe enemies followed by a chorus of heroic "YO JOE!" celebration.

Minutes later, we were adopting the cliff maneuver. I ran directly towards a wall, and like Barry Sanders, juked away just in time. Tim did the same, although surely with a bit less grace. In another part of the house now, we knew our youngest sister was trying the maneuver. CRASH! Then came the yelps for a parental figure.

Tim and I high-fived. We'd done it. Mom wasn't thrilled but our defense was rock solid. "We didn't touch her mom. In fact...we weren't even in the same room." She couldn't say a darn thing and we cleverly left out the part about our cartoon heroes so she wouldn't reconsider our tv-watching privileges.

Like George Bush, we valiantly defended ourselves from a dangerous outside aggressor. And like our friends Duke, Roadblock, and Flint we were finally able to celebrate: Yo Joe!

When Hadrons Collide

Well as it turns out (and FunBox predicted) the Large Hadron Collider did not kill us all with tiny black holes. I feel sorry though for the people who died last night unrelated deaths. I am sure that when the got to the after world they were all excited to see everyone they know there also killed by science. All they get though is an after life of dissapointment.
"Hey Grandma. Where's everybody else?"
"Everybody who?"
"You know, everbody. Cause the world ended. I must have been killed by a tiny black hole."
"No. You got hit by a car."
"Was he killed by a black hole?"
"No. He's fine. He was driving one of those all new Ford Flex."
"Oh."

I know if I died I would want to take everyone on the planet with me.

Best Speech Ever

When life is busy and doesn't allow Internet connections all day sometimes you come home having to write a blog but all you can think to do is to google friends you haven't spoken to in a long time. Only one thing can save you, that's finding out that a buddy you used to do standup at dive bars with graduated from Georgetown Law school and gave a speech to his exiting class. Luckily, Mark Nabong did. Here's his speech in all it's glory. It's worth it.

Come see my play!

I know, I know it's amazing.

Here's a little helpful tip the next time you're in a play! When you're wearing one of those little radio microphones next to your skin and you're under hot lights the sweat can mess up the battery pack. That's why you should keep it in a condom (for real). In hindsight though I was a little too gleeful when I explained this to my castmates.

Come see my play!
Once Upon a Mattress
Hoover Theater 651 Glenwood road, Glendale
Opens Spet. 5th runs through 21st
Friday & Saturday Shows @7 PM
Sunday @ 2 PM (With Sign Language Interpreter)

Chatting with FunBox

This time: Paul talks about taking the boss's brother to Six Flags and Matt dishes dirt on Sarah Palin and hard-ons, while Willie thinks we've gabbed your ear off enough.

High Jet Fuel Prices Mean Tough Times for Diddy

Hey remember when money could actually buy stuff? I mean, maybe I could never buy any good stuff, but it was nice being able to throw a couple coins on a fast food counter and get enough extra fries so I could over eat and feel happily sick for the rest of the evening.

I mention this because now it seems even Sean ‘Diddy’ ‘Puffy’ ‘Whatever the hell I’m calling myself these days’ Combs is feeling the pinch. Foxnews.com reports that Diddy’s latest YouTube video has him hanging at an unnamed airport complaining about fuel prices. Seems like times are so tough the poor guy can’t even afford a private jet for his commute:

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http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,413582,00.html

"Gas prices are too motherf-----g high," he says in his latest YouTube video. "As you know, I do have my own jet, but I've been having to fly back and forth to L.A. pursuing my acting career . Now, if I'm flying back and forth twice a month, that's like $200,000, $250,000 round trip. F--- that. I'm back on American Airlines."

Diddy made a plea for some free oil.

"Give a shout out to all my Saudi Arabia brothers and sisters and all the brothers and sisters in all the countries that have oil — if you could please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it," Diddy says, showing his commercial jet boarding pass to the camera.

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First off, I kinda like the idea that Diddy assumes everyone in Saudia Arabia can just pull giant drums of jet fuel out of their pockets and that they’re willing to just up and ship them to any hip hop mogul that asks. I also like that later in the article he implies that his need to fly commercial is proof that rising gas prices should be an election issue. We’ll see which candidate gets the Diddy-bounce this November.

Here’s what I don’t get though. I’ve seen his “I Want to Work For Diddy,” show. Why not use that pseudo-slave army of his as a form of alternative energy? They might not like powering his private jet by walking treadmills like the dinosaurs did in “The Flintstones,” but it’s better for the environment and hey: “It’s a living.”