FunBox Blog

"Do you want some Ice Cream?"

2009-07-02T10:29:00.001-07:00

Did you Guys Crap in My Trash Can?

2009-06-25T10:58:00.001-07:00

New FunBox Video out Today!

In ep. 01, of "The Many Adventures of Baldric and Balthazar," Paul teaches his house guests the finer points of using the bathroom.

Please Subscribe!

Stay Tuned for a new episode next week!

"Did you Guys Crap in my Trash Can?"

2009-06-25T10:36:00.001-07:00

Thanks to a vortex, Paul is visited by two fops from the past.

Joke

2009-06-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

Doctors were astounded this month as high school student Jessica Terry diagnosed her own case Crohn's Disease while studying slides in her high school science class....

...Unfortunately her HMO doesn't cover high schools so now she owes Ms. Welch $48,000 out of pocket.

Scientific American Covers

2009-06-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if you know this, but there are only 3 covers to the magazine Scientific American. One is a picture of a Black Hole or Starry region of space with a grid superimposed on it (to represent our universe) with a provocative caption like “Strange Space: Could our Universe be shaped like a Condom?”

The second has a Neanderthal or old looking skull and the caption says something like, “Shadows of the Past: New evidence suggests our ancestors may have leased apartments.”

And the third is a picture of a cell or Double Helix and the caption is always “KILLER CELLS: New Ways to fight Superbugs!” verbatim.

Very occasionally they have a mushroom cloud and the caption is unrelated “World’s first nano-guitar built.” Those are weird.

John Helldeath: The Depths of Reason pt. 4

2009-06-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

John Helldeath could barely think with the high velocity winds whipping around him. Yet, John Helldeath was never a man for thinking when action could get the job done. His time was short, as the ground below him was growing closer, and the airplane that he had been dropped out of, farther. All he needed to do was find a way to break the binding that held him securely to the chair, and then slow his descent so he could land safely. He maybe had thirty seconds before he would be just another stain on Mother Earth's face. "Think damn it!" he yelled to himself.

A plan formulated in his head. "Perfect!" thought John, "But won't old Mr. Pennyworth be disappointed that I won't be needing his funeral services yet another time." John smiled to himself picturing the old funeral director's sour face at seeing Helldeath survive another mission. Mr. Pennyworth had given John a lifetime supply of black suits in exchange for promising to have his funeral with him. It would be the funeral of the decade and ensure big business for the stingy Mr. Pennyworth. With precision timing and pinpoint accuracy, John put his plan into effect. After landing safely, John brushed off his complimentary black suit and smiled.

Movies we'll be seeing soon

2009-06-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

With Hollywood already making films based on children's books, comics, video games, board games, toys, TV shows, other movies, card games, and astrological events, I didn't think it was possible that there was anything left to rip stories from and repackage as two hours of moving pictures. Then I went to Vegas and saw Hollywood's next frontier: slot machines. Here are a few films I think we'll all be watching soon:

Sun & Moon
Since the beginning of time, Sun and Moon have been bitter rivals. In their last epic struggle, a cocky Sun set the Lunar System ablaze as he managed to win up to 50 free games. Now, as the Great Cycle passes, a blue Moon patiently masses his Mayan armies and plots revenge.

Whales of Ca$h
John Whales just inherited some cash. A lot of cash! Suddenly he's a jerk and a braggart, wearing a top hat everywhere he goes, and using a bag with a dollar sign in lieu of a wallet. But when his pal Crabby overdoses at one of his famous parties, and buds Clam and Squid are too afraid after the incident to even talk with him. John soon learns that it takes more than cash to buy back friendship.

Game King: Multi-Denomination
The Unseen Game King is back seeking retribution for his last defeat 10,000 years ago. Can Robert Crayton, a linguist from Oxford, unlock the mysterious transmissions coming from the Multi-Denomination, a place in space-time far beyond our universe, to discover the secret to defeating the mighty Game King in his lust for vengeance? In this world, there's no room for error, as malfunction voids all plays.

John Helldeath: The Depths of Reason pt. 3

2009-06-10T17:42:00.001-07:00

John Helldeath’s head is pounding like a machine gun is firing non stop in his cerebral cortex. He winces as his eyes adjust to the bright lights of… where is he? The last thing he remembers is kissing Lana – the kiss! He can still taste the quickly departing flavor of Brazil nuts on his lips, the signature trace of knockout lipstick. Reaching up to wipe it off, he finds his hands tightly bound behind his back using his own shirt. He struggles against the knots, his bare muscles bulging and glistening from the strain, but it is no use. John silently curses his excellent tastes and the high quality of manufacture in his shirt. He can’t stay angry though, that’s just the price he is willing to pay for buying American made products.

“Stop bothering to struggle John. I believe you will find it to be quite without merit,” quips the devastatingly hot Lana McFalcor. “I should never have trusted you Lana McFalcor,” sneers John. “That’s Lana McFalcor Cartel,” corrects Lana! “No! It can’t be.” “That’s right John Helldeath, you might have thought you knew everything about me, but I hope now that it’s clear that you do not. You see, when my father Dr. McFalcor went missing, the only person willing to help me was Derek Cartel, brother to Lance Cartel, and my future dead husband! You have no idea how hard it was for me to watch you kill my brother in-law Lance Cartel moments ago, but it was all worth it as now I will be finally able to find my father and have revenge on you.” Lana dangles the sparkling Eye of Golan in front of John. Furious he curses her, “You stole the Eye of Golan while I was passed out! Damn you!” “It’s time for us to say goodbye John Helldeath,” Lana tells John with a hint of remorse in her voice. She leans in close, “This is for my dead husband.” Lana slaps John hard across his face, “and this is for my father.” Lana kiss John on his lips with tongue, “Goodbye John.” Lana goes to the side of the room and pulls a lever. The floor slowly begins to open up. John quickly realizes that he is in an airplane and he is about to fall to his death!

To be continued…

FunBox for your ears

2009-06-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hey remember that time Matt saved an old lady from falling down the stairs and then she yelled at him for being a Jew? Well Matt does, and he told us all about it today as FunBox is interviewed on Ten Minutes with Andrew and JJ. We're featured on their podcast every day this week so check it out!

http://www.andrewandjj.com/

It is the Nature of Intelligent Life to Destroy Itself

2009-06-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

I got that quote from Wikipedia’s page on the Fermi Paradox.

Since we only have one example, it’s impossible to know how likely it is for intelligence to evolve on an earthlike planet. But maybe the reason we haven’t yet found intelligent life elsewhere in the cosmos is because smart things quickly kill themselves off.

Think of how close we came to killing every human being on the planet during the Cuban Missile Crisis. That was when only two countries had nukes. As technology improves it’s only going to get easier to manufacture such weapons.

Also we might drown in our own waste.

… Ok no more reading Atomic Rockets, The End of Faith, and Wikipedia after 11:30 for me.

Fatalist Thought for the Day:

2009-05-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

"As you continue to live, the probability of you dropping something important into the toilet approaches 1."

There are only 2 ways for you to not eventually drop something important into a toilet.

1: Stop living

2: Stop using toilets

In both these cases the cure is worse than the disease!

P.S. is anyone on Myspace anymore? We haven’t gotten a comment in months!

John Helldeath - The Depths of Reason pt. 2

2009-05-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

Arms raised in the air, John slowly turns to look the shadowy figure with a gun. Arms also raised in the air, the beautifully deadly librarian Lana also slowly turns to look at the shadowy figure with a gun. John's razor sharp mind whirls a mile a minute trying to figure out who the man behind the barrel of the gun pointing at him could be, for when you make as many enemies as John Helldeath, you learn not to forget a face, but that does little to help when that face is hidden in shadows. John tries to get the mysterious gentlemen to emerge, "Why don't you step out of those shadows and we can handle this like men?" "You mean like how you handled my brother?" "I handle a lot of people's brothers." "I am sure you would remember mine," says the unknow man before he steps into the light revealing his horribly mangled face.

Lana screams at the sight, and John comforts her in his arms. "Oh John! What is it? Its... Its... horrible!" John soothingly, "He's nothing to be scared of." "You should not so lightly ignore the remaining half of the Cartel Brothers, and I believe you still have to pay for my brother's death," Lance Cartel gently strokes his hideous scars, "and for this." With movements almost faster than the human eye, John reaches into Lana's cleavage and pulls out the dagger that was so recently hidden there. With a quick flick the knife burries itself inside Lance Cartel's mangled skull. "Keep the change," says John as the lifeless body drops to the floor. John pulls Lana in close, "Now, where were we before we were so rudely interupted." Lana gives John a wicked smile, "I believe you were about to try to find all my other hidden knives." John leans in to whisper in her ear, "Well Miss McFalcor, I think I'm going to have to look long. And hard." John feels the roundness of Lana's young body fill his hand and he kisses her.

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

In honor of Memorial Day, here is a picture of a squirrel in a cemetery with an American flag. If you're from another nation, feel free to imagine that the flag is that of your own nation and that the squirrel is some other small animal native to your soil.

A film for people who have never heard of the Kinsey scale

2009-05-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently, no one in the world in which this film takes place, has heard of the Kinsey Scale. Seriously, if your friends are constantly asking if you are gay, you need better friends.

This movie is a fail.

John Helldeath – The Depths of Reason pt. 1

2009-05-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

John grips the handle of the blade, and quickly pulls it out of his shoulder. “I believe this is yours,” John quips as he hands the blade back to the devastatingly gorgeous Lana McFalcor, “You’d figure a librarian would have better aim.” Lana indignantly pushes her horned rimmed glasses back into place before sliding the stiletto knife once again into its hidden sheath nestled in the heaving valley of her bosom. “Maybe I missed on purpose,” bluffs Lana. “Please. We both know you would have done anything to get your hands onto the Eye of Golan, the only thing that can lead you back to your father and my sworn enemy, the evil Dr. McFalcor,” says John as he pulls the fabled jewel out from his pocket. There is little light in the dark backroom of the grenade factory, but what little there is finds the gem and illuminates it with an unearthly glow. “Of course if you had just asked nicely I might have given it to you,” teases John before he starts coughing blood.

Lana rushes to his side, “Oh John, you’re hurt!” “I think you know how to make me feel better.” John passionately kisses Lana. Their torrid embrace knocks free her tight bun, causing her luxurious black hair to fall sensuously around her shoulders. John reaches up to remove Lana’s glasses and finally reveal the hot woman she really is when the sound of gun cocking stops his movements. “I think you will be leaving her glasses on Mr. Helldeath,” threatens a voice from the shadows, “In fact, I think we all might be leaving all our glasses on.”

Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2

2009-05-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to The Da Vinci Code 2, or Angels and Demons, which is what they're calling it. I love movies like Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2 because the characters are immersed in a world so exciting and mysterious that I inevitably want to be one of them. There's a lot to choose from in Angels and Demons the Da Vinci Code 2.

First I started wanting to Robert Langdon. He's a symbolist that reads secret books and then is like "oh yeah that fish from 400 years ago? That means the bad guys are at a pinball arcade down the street." I realized I couldn't be him pretty quick though, Robert does a lot of traveling and that gets expensive. I can't rely on my book writing and the occasional free lance job fighting Illuminati to for all that transportation. So that's out.

What about French Chick? I though to myself. French Chick probably has a name and might not even be French, but neither of those things were really important enough to the film's plot for me to remember. What is important though is that she's a super star physicist who harvests anti-matter in quantities so large that it's actually scientificially impossible. What a gig! Not for me though. Mostly she hangs out in Switzerland with the Large Hadron Collider. I like chocholate and all, but I'm not big on skiing, and I'm even less big on being a lady. I'd rather be with the ladies. Am I right guys? High five!

In the end I decided the most realistic job for me would probably be Pope. That guy gets to wear a big ass hat and hang out in the Vatican all day reading it's secret archives. Sure I'd have to travel but those guys always just take up a second collection at church for that, and as for the ladies, I wouldn't have to be Pope till I was an old ass dude. By then I'd probably be to tired for ladies by then. What would tire me out? I'll tell you what: all the ladies I'd get when they found out someday I'd be Pope! Look out ladies. Here comes the Pope!

Ghost Caveman

2009-05-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's Shorter in Dog Years

There’s got to be a statute of limitations for how long you can haunt a place right? I mean you don’t see that many Caveman Ghosts out there do you?

If you really want to haunt a place for a long time you have to be buried, or have died, with a bunch of likeminded people. If enough of you died in the same place you can get a couple extra centuries! Indian burial grounds and old cemeteries from the 1600’s? Totally haunted! But a single dead Indian? 50 Years tops!

Also, it helps if the place you died already looks creepy. That way people will attribute the random gusts of wind, and occasional noises you produce as something a ghost did instead of just the wind. It must suck for the people who were horribly murdered in a nice sunny park.

Bad Show Reviews

2009-05-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

There are few things as wonderful as bad television. The kind of television where you sit there with your friends asking "they actually made that?" And one of the best pieces of television going right now is called Christianmovie.net.

Christianmovie.net, is on "The Word Network" at an indeterminate time on an indeterminate day. I say this because while my DVR is set to record it. Sometimes the show will dissappear for weeks only to show up with another episode just when I thought it was gone for good. Why do I record it you ask? And why do we invite guests to see it? Well let's begin.

The idea behind CMN is that it's a weekly television show designed to showcase, you guessed it, Christan movies. Christian movies are very different from secular movies: namely most Christian movies don't seem to care about: production value, acting, directing, story pacing, writing, or holding a viewer's interest. They do have on thing in commen with normal movies though: length. They're usually about two hours. Unfortunately CMN is only a half hour weekly show. Have you ever spent several months watching a movie? CMN chops up each of their films and gives you a tiny bite to consume each week.

Now every movie show needs a great host, and CMN is no different. It needs a great host, but it HAS Paster Dan. Paster Dan is a portly fellow who inturrupts the film 2-3 times each week to monologue. Despite the regularity of these inturruptions it's fairly obvious that preparation is not a big part of the pastor's ministry. Mostly Dan just improvs about how how much he likes movies saying something like this: "when I was younger I'd go to the movies. They'd be bright and they'd have the candy and the popcorn...and the movies....we need movies....movies are a part of who we are...movies...christian movies. That's why they're so important today."

The previous is not a quote but it's very close to the gist of his ideas. His plan seems to be:

1. Talk about how movies are great.
2. Talk about how he saw some movies one time.
3. Say the phrase "Christian movies" as if all the movies that were good actually were Christian movies which assuredly they were not.

I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish with his plan, but hey he's on television sometimes so more power to the guy.

CMN is a great show for one last reason: in the the middle of the each week's movie episode the movie itself is inturrupted by PREVIEWS of other movies. It's as if the show's saying: "guess what we have a thirty minute time slot to show a two hour movie every week, and we inturrupt it by the ramblings of our fat paster. We're also gonna inturrupt with this!

You will never get through a movie on Christianmovies.net. Not even using your DVR. After four episodes of "Apocolypse" it mysteriously dissapeared to leave us hanging for 4 weeks, only to return with a teaching tale on the dangers of abortion. Which leads to the following dilemma should my girlfriend and I ever become pregnant: if Apocolypse begins and we can't find out if one lone believer can save us all. Is this really a world worth living in? I'm not sure, but I bet that abortion tale will show me the way.

Here's a link the the horrible website if you don't believe me. It's got a picture of Paster Dan:

http://christianmovie.net/

Swine Flu! (Really? A Swine Flu Blog?)

2009-05-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Man. Swine Flu? Am I right? Enough of that bullshit disease!

Time for FunBox to predict the next big pandemics.

Pig Cold
Porcine Pox
Oink Fever
Black Boar Plague
Snout'ngitis

After we run through those it will be the other barnyard critters turn:

Chickenrexia
Cowncer

and of course:

The Sheeps

Nice Outfits

2009-05-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend, we shot four videos in which Willie and Matt, dressed like the above photo, dubbed themselves Baldric and Balthazar, and spent the entire time tormenting Paul. Once edited, the videos will provide a lot of insight into any murders Paul commits in his future.

Mafia Phone Support

2009-05-01T16:34:00.001-07:00

When Senator Larson awakens to find a deer head in his bed he can't quite remember which mafia he's offended....

For more fun visit:
http://twitter.com/funboxcomedy
http://funboxcomedy.com

You can call me Jack, Mr. Pibb was my father.

2009-05-01T15:01:00.001-07:00

Don’t you hate it when you go to the movies and they don’t have Dr. Pepper?

“We have Mr. Pibb.”

“Mr. Pibb?! He doesn’t even have a master’s degree!”

Podcast Fun!

2009-04-27T15:24:00.000-07:00

All this week, Paul is guesting on the very funny podcast "Ten Minutes with Andrew and J.J."

http://www.andrewandjj.com/

Visit their site and hear the guys talk about grilled cheese, chicken beaks, and that poor guy who got shot in the head with 34 nails!

Targov: the Warrior with a Business Degree

2009-04-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

We join our warriors high on the wind swept plains of Mongolia.

Chief Nartock: Come, men! Victory will be ours. Their warriors will fall before our swords, the children will weep, and their women will be raped!

Targov: Um, excuse.

Chief Nartock (rubs his eyes): Yes. Targov. What is it?

Targov: Thank you Chief. I just thought that this might be an ideal time to rethink some of internal strategy so that we might capitalize on future growth by utilizing our own current potential.

Chief Nartock: Umm...

Targov: Bare with me for just a second. (Passes out nicely bound packets to the warriors.) Now you can see on page three how our productivity has been severly marginilize by not fully reintegrating our available workforce. But using our enemies and their children as slave labor instead of liquidating them -

High Priest Tarmoot: But it is their spirits that we feast upon to give us strength!

Targov: Not anymore. I just signed us an indorsement deal with Johansens Bottled Spirit, the strength of the undead with out all the mess. We just have to etch their logo onto our swords and I'm sure the gods will favor us with high returns.

Chief Nartock: Enough Targov! We will enslave them. I don't care as long as I still get to rape their women.

Targov: Actually Cheif, we did some market research and it seems people much prefer the term "Hostile Merger." Also instead of swords, we will know by using "Danger Sticks," and our horse will be called - (Chief Nartock cuts off Targov's head)

Gartock: Business Warrior

2009-04-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

Deep in the bowels of Well's Fargo's Pasadena Branch Gartock attempts to obtain a job.

Gartock: Well...I can type faster than a bear.

Carl Peters Branch VP: Right...we don't have many bears in the office...can you give me a number of words per minute on that?

Gartock: I file like an eagle!

Carl: Again...no eagles here.

Later...Gartock tries a different tactic.

Gartock: I swear upon my father's blood to obey this covenant.

Carl: That's great but you still don't have collateral

Gartock: What if you sold the blood to a research lab who needed it for plasma?
Carl: I'm sorry but it wouldn't suffice as collateral for the $14000 you're trying to borrow to open an appliance shop.

Gartock: I've had a difficult time repurposing myself to fit this economy.