Lolcat Christmas Card

Oh Hai!

Thiz is teh Crizmaz Card! Cealing Cat haz blessed the shit out of us this yeer! Mittenz had hir litter, 8 hole Babiez! and she only 8 three ov them! On top of that Puss has ceezburger! Teh only sad newz I has to report is that Puff-Puff haz teh rabies and haz to be put dwn.

-Kthx Bai!

Holiday Traditions

Now that I am out in the world and living on my own, I finally have a chance to create a holiday tradition of my own. Sure I have plenty of holiday traditions already: opening stockings on Christmas Eve, everyone going around in a circle one at a time opening gifts, seeing a crappy action film in the theaters on Christmas Day. They are all great, but they were all handed down to me. It is time to start a new one!

I sat down with a pad to start brainstorming, but it just seemed like to much pressure. In the end I decided to resort to what I always do, a top hat full of holiday words. Three random words were drawn and my new holiday tradition created... kinda. I need help deciding what order the words go in. The words chosen were: Stockings Turkey Carols

1. Carols Turkey Stockings: We make up a story about Aunt Carol's famous turkey stockings which are little puff pastries shape like socks filled with Turkey.

2. Turkey Carols Stockings: Everyone has to make up a Carol about John the Christmas Turkey and who ever makes the best one gets a pair of victory stockings (probably everyone would get a pair to be nice on the holidays).

3. Stocking Turkey Carols: When carolers come a calling, we give them a choice of picking the reward stuffed inside the turkey or stuffed inside the stocking.

So which one do I pick?

Holiday Couple Ettiqutte

The Holidays can be a trying time for couples. Fortunately, Funbox is here to give you a few tips to keep your holiday a joyous one. Our Jewish readers will find a Christmas to Hanukkah conversion table at the bottom.

It is generally considered impolite to giggle when your partner mentions "The Yule log."

Always remember to ask if you can help light the Hanukkah candles, and then get all huffy if they say it's too early (it's tradition).

Only the Following "Nogs" are suitable for drinking: Eggnog, Creamnog, and Nognog. The other Nogs: Pinenog, Lardnog, and all Lead-based nogs are just for decoration.

Just remember Santa didn't die on the cross (a common misconception).

While it's cute to tape some mistletoe above a doorway, you're not earning any points by putting it on your dick.

Forgot to buy your loved one a gift? Just remember this simple phrase "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox. We do it on New Years day." This works for both Jews and Gentiles! (Note : do not attempt on actual Russian Orthodox-ers)

Forgot again? "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox, our 'New Year' is on the 5th!"

Does your partner's family do that thing at Christmas where they wear those wreathes on their heads, with the candles coming out? That's weird.

If you and your loved one go caroling, give him or her a sly wink every time you come to the "five goooollld rings" part of Twelve days of Christmas, it's a good way to stimulate guilt and/or a premature marriage proposal. And these are both great ways to score major loot!

Conversion Chart:
Christmas = Hanukkah
Hanukkah = Kwanzaa
Christmas Tree = Menorah
Santa Claus = Candles I Guess?
Mistletoe = Potato Pancakes

Television’s Lost Holiday Specials

An NBC Heroes Hanukkah
After deciding to go in together on gifts, Sylar and Peter face off on whether to get everyone 8 small presents or one big one that's really nice. Linderman reveals that his famous matzo ball soup is really store bought, and Claire thanks the Lord for the wondrous deeds of her ancestors.

Xena: Warrior Christmas
When Autolycus, the King of Thieves, steals all the presents in Amphipolis, Xena and Joxer attempt to recover the town's gifts. Meanwhile, a centaur hopes to lure Gabrielle under the mistletoe.

CSI: North Pole
Grissim and Sara question a polar bear who claims innocence for a series of seal maulings. Meanwhile, Hodges discovers a secret about his family while dissecting an arctic ground squirrel.

Lighting of the Redwood Forest Tree: A CBS News Report Apology
Chronical of the unfortunate series of network decisions, which ultimately lead to 17 deaths, billions of dollars in property damage, and countless acres of wildlife being destroyed.

3rd Kwanzaa From The Sun
The Solomons discover an alternative to the existing holiday, which "offers an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society." Sally and Harry take Kuumba (he principle of beautifying their community through creativity) too far when they begin painting artistic nudes on garage doors. Tommy ponders types of common ground within his culture.

Two Guys a Girl and a Christmas Wish
The trio wonders if it being a holiday is sufficient excuse for getting faced on nogg and having a threesome.

December "24"
After posing an elf, Jack infiltrates a cell within Santa's Work Shop which hopes to plant nuclear bombs in American chimneys. Chloe hacks into Ebay to purchase Miles the Nintendo Wii on his list, and Audrey worries that Jack will be too busy killing elves to get back for the CTU gift exchange.

America's Favorite Crisco Christmas Commercials: Brought to You by Crisco
Although it remains a popular brand of shortening throughout the year, Crisco particularly shines during the holiday season: whether it's being used to make cookies for Santa, as a means of shedding water from galoshes and snow shovels, or has just been applied as a sexual lubricant late on a "Silent Night."

Mad TV's Sarah Hyland as La'Sarah Wishing Everyone A Merry Krumpmas