4th of July Wrap-Up

***Photo's to be added***

Funbox had a pretty hectic 4th. We started out very traditional, a standard Barbecue. We brought Juggling balls so that Matt could be the 'douche-ie guy at the party.' While there, we were giving off a definite 'we're 30 and Dad's' vibe. I mean, we promised to have a 'board game couples night' (are we going to 'talk about the baby', what is this?)

**Photo to come**

The best part was this tortoise that totally ate like an entire people-sized salad. The tortoise also has a dog that never leaves her (his?) side.

**Picture to come**

Does the dog want to eat the tortoise? Does he want to guard it? Perhaps it's some weird mixture of both Dog emotions.

We had to leave, because we were heading off to what we thought was a swanky Hollywood party to see a film premiere (we were going to schmooze). Here's where it actually was:

**Photo of sketchy looking warehouse**

But the party was sweet. And our friend Asterios was there! We even had an impromptu writing session.

Oh yeah and Wall*E was there being totally high and messed up and scary.

**Fame is bad for him**

Then we left and literally drove through a fireworks display!

The 3rd party was totally college!

**check it out**

There was a moonwalk (smelled like throw-up). We felt like sticking around for a game of 'flip cup' but then realized we weren't nearly 'frat-tacular' enough for the attempt. Besides it was almost 11:30! (bedtime)

Christopher Lowell’s “The Art of War”

A leader leads by example, not by force honey!

Take it from me people; to know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy (that doesn’t mean you have to dress like them though!).

Strategy without tactics is super ultra slow. Tactics without strategy is the noise before the defeat sister!

Make sure to build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across. I know what you’re thinkig, “Gold!” But trust me, it looks fabulous when it’s done.

He who knows when he can fight and when he can’t will be victorious. Sometimes you just got to let him win one ladies!

All warfare is based on deception. That’s why it’s just like my last relationship! I’m terrible!

I can only tell you this one time girls, victorious warriors win first and then go to war, defeated warriors go to war first and then try to win. It just comes across as little bit desperate.

Like my mother always said, to a surrounded enemy, you must leave a way of escape.

It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, know what you like and don’t like. If you’re favorite color is blue, then you gosh darn better have some blue around. At the end of the day war is all about you!

There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare, honey!

Men love it when you pretend inferiority. It will make him putty in your hand and encourage his arrogance on the battlefield.

Oh, How I miss Old Timey Times

I really wish I lived back during History, because back then war used to be a lot more fun. Nowadays, war's all commercial and about killing people, and just getting oil and stuff. But back during History, war used to be a party. Take the Civil War, for example. If you hopped in a time machine and went there, you'd see flags, banners, and musical instruments. Talk about fanfare! I think even the Shriners were stopped by sometimes. You wouldn't know if you were watching a parade or observing the Battle of Antietam!

The general guy would give a pep talk and he'd be like: "Men, you're fighting for your lives. So you'll need your courage and a trumpet." War was mostly just a big junior varsity football game of honor back then, (during History).

I'm glad our leaders didn't live back during History though, because then I'd be scared to be a musician. What if someone didn't like my band? Well then, they'd probably just say my instruments were intended for war, and declare me a threat to national security. "We've discovered stores of drums, and our experts suspect they've been conducting a coronet-testing program for some time!" Also, they would say that the only kind of "King," B.B. could be was a King of Terror.

Still, it would only be dangerous for some musicians. Only certain instruments seem to be associated with violence: drums, flutes, horns…well basically anything that's percussion and all the wind instruments. Except the obo. Because ain't nobody fuckin' with a man who has an obo.

I wonder if they field tested other instruments back then. Like one day you'd be at your village minding your own business and suddenly Vikings would be ravaging the crap out of your hut while banging on xylophones. Or maybe sometime you'd be caravaning with your silk on the Mongolian plains and then Genghis Kahn would suddenly attack you with his ska band.

Rumor has it that Sun Tszu's, "Art of War," was actually inspired by his love for British trip-hop, but I don't know if that's true. All I know is that's why I really wish I lived back during History.

SUSPENSE!

I was sitting at a table looking at a glass of water that was on the table. I picked it up and took a drink of some of the water that was in the glass. Suddenly the door to the restaurant where I was burst open inwards because some people were pushing on it very hard and trying to open it. They succeeded and came into the restaurant. They had guns! One of the men pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. A bullet shot out! Fortunately for me the bullet flew past me and didn’t hit me. He missed!

I lifted up the edge of the table and turned the table over so that if they shot more bullets at me the bullets would hit the table and not hit me. I heard the sound of more bullets hitting the table. It was a good plan to make a shield, but it wouldn’t last for long. Soon the men with guns would come far enough around the table and be able to shoot at me without the table in between us. Who were these men? Why were they trying to kill me? Did it have anything to do with my dark past? These were all questions I didn’t have time to ask myself because at the time I was more worried about not being shot by bullets from guns.

An American Girl: Why Kit Kittredge Creeps Me out.

As I have been driving around town lately, I have spotted on several occasions the poster for "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl." For those of you who don't know, this movie is based on the popular American Girl line of dolls. Each doll focuses on a particular time period in American history. Apparently Kit comes from the terrifyingly creepy part.
Does this poster freak anyone else out? Every time her cold lifeless eyes stare at me I get chills. And it's not that I have anything against Abigail Breslin. I loved her in "Little Miss Sunshine." So what was wrong with this poster that it made me want to cut out my eyes rather than look at it again?

I took a closer look.


Death! Kit Kittredge uses her binoculars to seek out the death of all of humanity! Run! Run! Before she sends her hell hound after you!

Thoughts on the Big Move...

Ever think that life and work were just too stressful? I did. That's why I recently quit my job and moved in with my girlfriend. Some people may find it odd that my plan to resolve stress was become unemployed and then begin living with a chick I've only known for like six months, but keep in mind, we're in love and she has DirecTV

So lately I'd been going through all my stuff and throwing most of it away. Looking back, it's nice to know I spent the past five years living with what I decided this week was mostly garbage. To be fair though, anything can be justified as garbage when the alternative is having to haul it. "Wait, I either pick this up, take it to a car, take it out of the car, and then figure out a new place of it to go, or I can just put it in this brown plastic bag?" " Bye box of pictures of life changing events in my personal history. Sorry, that's just too much carrying!" Actually it's a good thing I don't have a baby or any caged pets. My new place is on the second floor, and I hate carrying things up steps.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm now living stress free and unemployed with a blonde-haired woman I recently met, and the only possessions I still own are a couple of shirts and a filing cabinet. I wish some of my old pants fit in that cabinet.

INTERNET POSTCARD #3

Zion National Park/Bryce Canyon

There sure are a lot of warning signs in national parks. Why shouldn't you climb out onto the cliffs? “Last year a man fell to his death when he climbed onto an outcropping for a picture.” Is it important to keep drinking water because we're in the dessert? “4 months ago a jogger in the canyon died from heat prostration because he didn't drink enough water.” Why shouldn't you feed the animals? “A five year old child was kicked to death by a deer wen he refused to relinquish his sandwich.” “Later the deer had to be shot.” I'm not embellishing these signs, here's one about flash floods. “Anyone caught in this would quickly be battered to death against the rocks. YOU CANNOT SURVIVE THE TORRENT!”

I think I might be detecting a slight pattern here.

What's funny to me is the arms race between the park service and assholes. “Don't feed the animals.” Wasn't good enough, they had to upgrade to, again not kidding, “Ground squirrels have fleas that may carry bubonic plague” There's also an Orwellian civilian spy program in full swing, “$100 Fine for Feeding Animals- Report Violators”

It's only a matter of time before rangers, disguised as plainclothes chipmunks, approach hikers and beg them for peanuts. I always ask Coyotes, “You're not a cop right? You know you have to tell me if you are?”