Holiday Couple Ettiqutte

The Holidays can be a trying time for couples. Fortunately, Funbox is here to give you a few tips to keep your holiday a joyous one. Our Jewish readers will find a Christmas to Hanukkah conversion table at the bottom.

It is generally considered impolite to giggle when your partner mentions "The Yule log."

Always remember to ask if you can help light the Hanukkah candles, and then get all huffy if they say it's too early (it's tradition).

Only the Following "Nogs" are suitable for drinking: Eggnog, Creamnog, and Nognog. The other Nogs: Pinenog, Lardnog, and all Lead-based nogs are just for decoration.

Just remember Santa didn't die on the cross (a common misconception).

While it's cute to tape some mistletoe above a doorway, you're not earning any points by putting it on your dick.

Forgot to buy your loved one a gift? Just remember this simple phrase "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox. We do it on New Years day." This works for both Jews and Gentiles! (Note : do not attempt on actual Russian Orthodox-ers)

Forgot again? "Oh... I thought you knew I was Russian Othodox, our 'New Year' is on the 5th!"

Does your partner's family do that thing at Christmas where they wear those wreathes on their heads, with the candles coming out? That's weird.

If you and your loved one go caroling, give him or her a sly wink every time you come to the "five goooollld rings" part of Twelve days of Christmas, it's a good way to stimulate guilt and/or a premature marriage proposal. And these are both great ways to score major loot!

Conversion Chart:
Christmas = Hanukkah
Hanukkah = Kwanzaa
Christmas Tree = Menorah
Santa Claus = Candles I Guess?
Mistletoe = Potato Pancakes

So, I’ve been re-reading my Plays of Anton Checkov, and I have to say, a lot of the scenes become repetitive. Look at this excerpt from “Three Sisters.”

Kulygin: Ah! Irina my dear wife!

Masha: No, I’m actually Masha.

Kulygin: Oh, sorry I get you two confused. Have you seen my wife?

Masha: I am your wife.

Kulygin: I thought I was in love with the one who always wears Black, or is that Olga?

Masha: That’s Fucking Me!

Kulygin: But I’m a high-school teacher, don’t you wear a teachers outfit in the first scene?

Masha: Well now you’ve got me confused. (Aggravated sigh) I guess we’ll have to look at the cast of characters again.

So it turns out when I read Checkov it sounds like freaking Ionesco (Zing!). It also doesn’t help that they all refer to each other using their patronymic names. “Sergeyevitch! Who the hell is that guy?! (Then I re-read the entire scene before realizing it’s a kooky Russian nickname thing).”