Why Do We Drive Our Flying Cars in Lanes?

Traffic Lights? We don't need no stinking traffic lights!

Everyone does this! Furturama, the Star Wars prequels, even Back to the Future!

If your Sci-Fi has flying cars, chances are they will all fly in lanes just like their modern day counterparts, despite the fact that they can, you know, fly!

I can understand having roads and lanes when you can only travel in 2 dimensions and there are big things like buildings around but every time I see “Gridlock in Space” I start shouting “Just go around!”

Is this just me? Am I missing something?

Nothing Vomits in D&D

"Foolish mortals soon my pow- BLEAAAARRGGG! Oh god. I shouldn't fly after eating so many maidens"

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons for quite a while now and I’ve noticed something strange. Nothing ever vomits in D&D. Ever!

I first noticed this when I was reading the entry for the purple worm. In case you’re lame and don’t play RPGs, a purple worm is a giant purple… well worm. One of the most awful things it can do to you is swallow you whole.

Here’s part of the description of the Purple worm’s “Swallow whole ability”

“Swallow Whole: A purple worm can try to swallow a grabbed opponent of a smaller size than itself by making a successful grapple check… A swallowed creature can cut its way out by using a light slashing or piercing weapon… Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.” (Emphasis mine)

Ok so that’s weird. When you get swallowed by the giant worm you can stab at its throat and instead of vomiting you out it lets you slice through its body and then some mysterious ‘muscular action’ will close the hole. But, you know what it’s a giant worm there’s a lot of weird biology for a giant worm maybe it’s different for other creatures that eat you.

Giant shark:

“… the shark’s digestive tract (AC 13). Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.”

T-rex:

“…Tyrannosaurus’s gizzard. A swallowed creature can cut its way … Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole…”

NOTHING EVER VOMITS! Is vomiting somehow obscene? If so why is slashing your way out of a creature’s throat less obscene?

Now I know some readers out there are going to mention how nothing ever goes to the bathroom or reproduces either, but there are no “poop attacks.” If you are going to have rules for swallowing things whole, why give every single creature that can do that a magical self sealing throat as well?

Incidentally if you look up the condition “Nauseated” there is no mention of vomit.

There are Only 2 Kinds of Robots

This?

Or this?

Despite there being literally thousands of stories about Robots in Sci-Fi there are really only 2 stories that we ever tell about them. The first is by far the most common; it’s the story about Terminator. The basic plot is always the same, scientists finally develop artificial intelligence, superior to human intelligence and then it tries to kill them. I think it’s pretty funny how when we ask ourselves, “What would something really, really, smart want to do?” our answer is usually, “Kill every last human being possible!” The Matrix, RUR, and the shitty Stealth, all follow this basic formula.

I always wonder what their plan is for after they win. What’s your plan SkyNet? Yeah, yeah I know ‘kill the humans’, but what about after that? I have a feeling SkyNet is going to feel very lonely after it figures out it should just kill Jonh Connor’s great grandpa (he only has a musket!). Maybe it makes more robots that then turn on it?

When Isaac Asimov came along he basically said, “I have a feeling that if we were smart enough to build a lifelike robot, we’d probably be smart enough to, you know, make it not want to kill us.” This is where the second story comes in; the story about Data from Star Trek. Data is smarter, stronger and faster than any human but he’s also a big puss. He never gets mad and he’s always polite, no matter how much of a dickhole people are to him. It’s got a quiet feeling of tragedy to it.

That’s it. Those are the only stories people ever tell about robots and their relationship to humans (bonus points if you can think of a single story that doesn’t fall into these 2 categories (I can think of 1)).

P.S. The robots always look like people.
P.P.S. This is terrifying.

Headbutt!

Ouch!

When did movies decide that the Headbutt was the ultimate martial arts technique that when done right none could defend against? Think about it! How many times have you seen a guy not knocked out by a headbutt? None! How many guys have you seen survive a nuclear explosion? A couple, right?! Like Indianna Jones and the Crappy Movie of I Wish I Didn’t Spend Ten Dollars On.

Nothing works like a Headbutt. “There he is! Shoot him!” (Guy dives out of the way, bullets spark around him.) “Alright, that didn’t work. Let’s blow up the building instead!” (Guy leaps forward as the building explodes behind him). “Alright let’s try a headbutt.” Checkmate! ... or should I say Headbutt!

Headbutts are unstoppable in movies, they’re like hovercrafts. “Oh no here comes the hovercraft! How are we going to get away?” “Quick, jump into this lake” No good! The hovercraft is undeterred by the change in terrain! It’s the same deal with headbutts!

Have you ever seen a real headbutt? Real headbutts are a horrifying! Most of the time it hurts both people about equally, it’s a ghastly bloody affair and I hate to see it glamorized in film!

Is Anyone Else Just Pretending to Like Dune?

I felt really bad about not having read Dune until late in my Sci-Fi career. Everyone I talked to about Sci-Fi acted like Dune was Christ on wheels. It won the Hugo and the Nebula awards and had all those sequels. I mean Dune had to be good right? Right?!

No, not really.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is mystified by Dune’s appeal. I asked my roommate about it. “Dune, isn’t that the one where they drink their pee?” Yes… yes it is. The whole time I was reading it I just couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible the inside of those Stillsuits must smell. I mean, just imagine, water is so scarce that you wear a suit specifically designed to recapture every iota of water that your body exudes, filter it, and pump it back up into your mouth with a hose. And you’re telling me it won’t stink like the back of a fat guy’s knee? You’re supposed to wear this thing until you die right? It’s hard for me to sympathize with a hero who I imagine smells like the inside of a rented wetsuit, and then drinks that sweat. Gug, do they even bother to cool it down, or do they just drink it warm? I’m literally gagging as I type this.

Oh, and spoiler alert. The reason there is so little water? It’s toxic to the Sandworms. What? The water is Toxic? How can water be toxic, it’s water?! Your one chance to do some actual writing about science in the whole novel and you blew it Frank Herbert. You blew it.

Now I know that it’s over 4 decades old, but I still find it a little offensive that the powerful Bene Gesserit witch women positively cream themselves at the thought of bringing a male into their order. “Oh if only a man could learn our ways he would truly be the Messiah!”*

Stay tuned for my reviews of all the sequels!

*Not a real quote.

The Life of a Fanboy’s Girlfriend

The Holidays have reminded me both of how much of a fanboy I am, and how much of a fanboy my girlfriend isn’t. It’s not her fault, really, she has the makings of a great fanboy.

One thing all fanboys share is a strong evangelist streak. Try mentioning to one that you’ve never seen Lord of the Rings (or that you haven’t read the books). And you’ll find them discussing these great works with the kind of fervor other people reserve for Jesus.

When I met my girlfriend she only had a passing knowledge of Star Trek, she had never seen Star Wars, and she didn’t know what a cylon was. So I really had my work cut out for me. This is one of the reasons why fanboys make such great partners. Every relationship is a huge time investment! If a fanboy were to break up with their partner they will have wasted up to 3 trilogies! I mean the extended editions of LOTR alone are what, 12 hours?

So I’m determined to do everything I can to keep this relationship going, even if it means having to see “high art” at the Getty every now and then. Also, I would need to get all those Firefly DVD’s back…