Headbutt!

Ouch!

When did movies decide that the Headbutt was the ultimate martial arts technique that when done right none could defend against? Think about it! How many times have you seen a guy not knocked out by a headbutt? None! How many guys have you seen survive a nuclear explosion? A couple, right?! Like Indianna Jones and the Crappy Movie of I Wish I Didn’t Spend Ten Dollars On.

Nothing works like a Headbutt. “There he is! Shoot him!” (Guy dives out of the way, bullets spark around him.) “Alright, that didn’t work. Let’s blow up the building instead!” (Guy leaps forward as the building explodes behind him). “Alright let’s try a headbutt.” Checkmate! ... or should I say Headbutt!

Headbutts are unstoppable in movies, they’re like hovercrafts. “Oh no here comes the hovercraft! How are we going to get away?” “Quick, jump into this lake” No good! The hovercraft is undeterred by the change in terrain! It’s the same deal with headbutts!

Have you ever seen a real headbutt? Real headbutts are a horrifying! Most of the time it hurts both people about equally, it’s a ghastly bloody affair and I hate to see it glamorized in film!

Is Anyone Else Just Pretending to Like Dune?

I felt really bad about not having read Dune until late in my Sci-Fi career. Everyone I talked to about Sci-Fi acted like Dune was Christ on wheels. It won the Hugo and the Nebula awards and had all those sequels. I mean Dune had to be good right? Right?!

No, not really.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is mystified by Dune’s appeal. I asked my roommate about it. “Dune, isn’t that the one where they drink their pee?” Yes… yes it is. The whole time I was reading it I just couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible the inside of those Stillsuits must smell. I mean, just imagine, water is so scarce that you wear a suit specifically designed to recapture every iota of water that your body exudes, filter it, and pump it back up into your mouth with a hose. And you’re telling me it won’t stink like the back of a fat guy’s knee? You’re supposed to wear this thing until you die right? It’s hard for me to sympathize with a hero who I imagine smells like the inside of a rented wetsuit, and then drinks that sweat. Gug, do they even bother to cool it down, or do they just drink it warm? I’m literally gagging as I type this.

Oh, and spoiler alert. The reason there is so little water? It’s toxic to the Sandworms. What? The water is Toxic? How can water be toxic, it’s water?! Your one chance to do some actual writing about science in the whole novel and you blew it Frank Herbert. You blew it.

Now I know that it’s over 4 decades old, but I still find it a little offensive that the powerful Bene Gesserit witch women positively cream themselves at the thought of bringing a male into their order. “Oh if only a man could learn our ways he would truly be the Messiah!”*

Stay tuned for my reviews of all the sequels!

*Not a real quote.

The Life of a Fanboy’s Girlfriend

The Holidays have reminded me both of how much of a fanboy I am, and how much of a fanboy my girlfriend isn’t. It’s not her fault, really, she has the makings of a great fanboy.

One thing all fanboys share is a strong evangelist streak. Try mentioning to one that you’ve never seen Lord of the Rings (or that you haven’t read the books). And you’ll find them discussing these great works with the kind of fervor other people reserve for Jesus.

When I met my girlfriend she only had a passing knowledge of Star Trek, she had never seen Star Wars, and she didn’t know what a cylon was. So I really had my work cut out for me. This is one of the reasons why fanboys make such great partners. Every relationship is a huge time investment! If a fanboy were to break up with their partner they will have wasted up to 3 trilogies! I mean the extended editions of LOTR alone are what, 12 hours?

So I’m determined to do everything I can to keep this relationship going, even if it means having to see “high art” at the Getty every now and then. Also, I would need to get all those Firefly DVD’s back…