John Helldeath: The Depths of Reason pt. 4

John Helldeath could barely think with the high velocity winds whipping around him. Yet, John Helldeath was never a man for thinking when action could get the job done. His time was short, as the ground below him was growing closer, and the airplane that he had been dropped out of, farther. All he needed to do was find a way to break the binding that held him securely to the chair, and then slow his descent so he could land safely. He maybe had thirty seconds before he would be just another stain on Mother Earth's face. "Think damn it!" he yelled to himself.

A plan formulated in his head. "Perfect!" thought John, "But won't old Mr. Pennyworth be disappointed that I won't be needing his funeral services yet another time." John smiled to himself picturing the old funeral director's sour face at seeing Helldeath survive another mission. Mr. Pennyworth had given John a lifetime supply of black suits in exchange for promising to have his funeral with him. It would be the funeral of the decade and ensure big business for the stingy Mr. Pennyworth. With precision timing and pinpoint accuracy, John put his plan into effect. After landing safely, John brushed off his complimentary black suit and smiled.

John Helldeath: The Depths of Reason pt. 3

John Helldeath’s head is pounding like a machine gun is firing non stop in his cerebral cortex. He winces as his eyes adjust to the bright lights of… where is he? The last thing he remembers is kissing Lana – the kiss! He can still taste the quickly departing flavor of Brazil nuts on his lips, the signature trace of knockout lipstick. Reaching up to wipe it off, he finds his hands tightly bound behind his back using his own shirt. He struggles against the knots, his bare muscles bulging and glistening from the strain, but it is no use. John silently curses his excellent tastes and the high quality of manufacture in his shirt. He can’t stay angry though, that’s just the price he is willing to pay for buying American made products.

“Stop bothering to struggle John. I believe you will find it to be quite without merit,” quips the devastatingly hot Lana McFalcor. “I should never have trusted you Lana McFalcor,” sneers John. “That’s Lana McFalcor Cartel,” corrects Lana! “No! It can’t be.” “That’s right John Helldeath, you might have thought you knew everything about me, but I hope now that it’s clear that you do not. You see, when my father Dr. McFalcor went missing, the only person willing to help me was Derek Cartel, brother to Lance Cartel, and my future dead husband! You have no idea how hard it was for me to watch you kill my brother in-law Lance Cartel moments ago, but it was all worth it as now I will be finally able to find my father and have revenge on you.” Lana dangles the sparkling Eye of Golan in front of John. Furious he curses her, “You stole the Eye of Golan while I was passed out! Damn you!” “It’s time for us to say goodbye John Helldeath,” Lana tells John with a hint of remorse in her voice. She leans in close, “This is for my dead husband.” Lana slaps John hard across his face, “and this is for my father.” Lana kiss John on his lips with tongue, “Goodbye John.” Lana goes to the side of the room and pulls a lever. The floor slowly begins to open up. John quickly realizes that he is in an airplane and he is about to fall to his death!

To be continued…

John Helldeath - The Depths of Reason pt. 2

Arms raised in the air, John slowly turns to look the shadowy figure with a gun. Arms also raised in the air, the beautifully deadly librarian Lana also slowly turns to look at the shadowy figure with a gun. John's razor sharp mind whirls a mile a minute trying to figure out who the man behind the barrel of the gun pointing at him could be, for when you make as many enemies as John Helldeath, you learn not to forget a face, but that does little to help when that face is hidden in shadows. John tries to get the mysterious gentlemen to emerge, "Why don't you step out of those shadows and we can handle this like men?" "You mean like how you handled my brother?" "I handle a lot of people's brothers." "I am sure you would remember mine," says the unknow man before he steps into the light revealing his horribly mangled face.

Lana screams at the sight, and John comforts her in his arms. "Oh John! What is it? Its... Its... horrible!" John soothingly, "He's nothing to be scared of." "You should not so lightly ignore the remaining half of the Cartel Brothers, and I believe you still have to pay for my brother's death," Lance Cartel gently strokes his hideous scars, "and for this." With movements almost faster than the human eye, John reaches into Lana's cleavage and pulls out the dagger that was so recently hidden there. With a quick flick the knife burries itself inside Lance Cartel's mangled skull. "Keep the change," says John as the lifeless body drops to the floor. John pulls Lana in close, "Now, where were we before we were so rudely interupted." Lana gives John a wicked smile, "I believe you were about to try to find all my other hidden knives." John leans in to whisper in her ear, "Well Miss McFalcor, I think I'm going to have to look long. And hard." John feels the roundness of Lana's young body fill his hand and he kisses her.

John Helldeath – The Depths of Reason pt. 1

John grips the handle of the blade, and quickly pulls it out of his shoulder. “I believe this is yours,” John quips as he hands the blade back to the devastatingly gorgeous Lana McFalcor, “You’d figure a librarian would have better aim.” Lana indignantly pushes her horned rimmed glasses back into place before sliding the stiletto knife once again into its hidden sheath nestled in the heaving valley of her bosom. “Maybe I missed on purpose,” bluffs Lana. “Please. We both know you would have done anything to get your hands onto the Eye of Golan, the only thing that can lead you back to your father and my sworn enemy, the evil Dr. McFalcor,” says John as he pulls the fabled jewel out from his pocket. There is little light in the dark backroom of the grenade factory, but what little there is finds the gem and illuminates it with an unearthly glow. “Of course if you had just asked nicely I might have given it to you,” teases John before he starts coughing blood.

Lana rushes to his side, “Oh John, you’re hurt!” “I think you know how to make me feel better.” John passionately kisses Lana. Their torrid embrace knocks free her tight bun, causing her luxurious black hair to fall sensuously around her shoulders. John reaches up to remove Lana’s glasses and finally reveal the hot woman she really is when the sound of gun cocking stops his movements. “I think you will be leaving her glasses on Mr. Helldeath,” threatens a voice from the shadows, “In fact, I think we all might be leaving all our glasses on.”

An Open Letter to Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him

Dear Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him,

After watching your Transformers movie this weekend, we're pretty sure we can write for you. We are currently working on a spec script which we think will be up your alley. Hell Death: Return to Gun Island, is the story of John Helldeath and his return to Gun Island. We're fairly certain you'll enjoy it as it contains explosions at random moments in the plot, very cool lines about said explosions such as "damn you can't buy that shit on ebay!" and various characters who yell a lot and may or may not explode at any point during the film. Below is a scene from our script, which we're sure you'll enjoy. Please contact us about money soon.

Sincerely,
FunBox