Ask Megatron II

Megatron, is the star of the blockbuster film "Transformers," and leader of the Decepticons. He is also a giant robot from another planet who can change himself into a gun.

Dear Megatron,
I recently broke up with Kevin, my boyfriend, after I learned he was cheating on me. We work together, and when his new girl visits, he seems to enjoy the fact that I’m completely devastated. What should I do?

Alice – Pasadena, CA

Alice,
You need to stand up for yourself. I know it’s hard to cope with the fact that you once trusted him, but sometimes even the wisest of man or machine can make an error. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Adopt a healthy mental state and realize that conquest is made of the ashes of one’s enemies. One day you’ll use his blood to water the fields of your victory.

Hi Megatron,
My boyfriend of 3 months has a hugely stressful management position in a well known company. His mother was recently informed she has a few months to live, and he is going through a messy divorce. I know all these things are important, but I’m staring to feel like I’m not a priority in his life. Any thoughts?

Sarah - Wells Creek, Idaho

Sarah,
You need to remind your boyfriend that everything dies: whether it is a career, a marriage, or a mother. Tell him you’re sick of his endless quest for power, especially at the cost of your own. If he’s reasonable, he’ll get it.

Dear Megatron,
As a child, I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I’ve always known that my wife had multiple partners in her past, but lately I’ve begun to question her about this. I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by asking her about this. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is a strain on our marriage. Please help.

Jason – Orange Falls, Wisconsin

Jason,
These questions show that it is not courage, but fear that compels you. Don’t feel threatened by your wife’s past, for you’ve already crushed it with your bare hands. It is dead. Don’t let your marriage die with it!

An Open Letter to Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him

Dear Michael Bay or Anyone That Knows Him,

After watching your Transformers movie this weekend, we're pretty sure we can write for you. We are currently working on a spec script which we think will be up your alley. Hell Death: Return to Gun Island, is the story of John Helldeath and his return to Gun Island. We're fairly certain you'll enjoy it as it contains explosions at random moments in the plot, very cool lines about said explosions such as "damn you can't buy that shit on ebay!" and various characters who yell a lot and may or may not explode at any point during the film. Below is a scene from our script, which we're sure you'll enjoy. Please contact us about money soon.

Sincerely,
FunBox