The Importance of Being an Assistant

If you have any aspirations at all about working in the entertainment industry you will probably spend some time as an assistant. One of the things you will notice as an assistant in Hollywood is that everything is important. “Shit, Julia they still haven’t delivered that three-hole paper! Get them on the phone and don’t let them hang up until you get a straight answer from those assholes!” or “Where are the good forks! The meeting is in 5 minutes and I’m not going to have it with these shitty plastic forks!” Another thing you might notice is that your definition for what counts as a good joke will alter drastically, “We took Jeff’s precious tricolor highlighter and… get this… hid it! He’s going to be looking for that fucking thing forever *snicker snicker*!”

Also people swear a lot.

The End of Comic Book Movies

Batman, Iron Man, Hulk, Wanted....with so many of this summer’s movies being based on comic books, the film industry now appears to be running out of comic books to borrow from and is forced to turn to other types recreational of print. Here’s a preview of next summer’s top films:


Michael Bay’s: Let’s Get Ready To Color
Massive amounts of coloring-action here. Bay spent over 25 million dollars on sea green, and brick red alone! Nick Nolte stars as a a cop in Crayola Town who can’t stay on the same page with his department. When the mob shreds his partner in a crayon sharpener, he has to go “outside the lines.”

The Passion of the CrossWord
Jesus Is beaten up like...a lot. Then they give him a crossword puzzle that kills him. Then he comes back to life and solves it. God wins! Suck it heathens!

Sense and Sudoku
Clint Eastwood directs this heartwarming tale as Robert Redford and Maryl Streep, both aging an lamenting their loss of mathematical and cognitive abilities, form a bond over sudokus gone by. Is it love or a little bit of dementia that will ultimately teach them that one plus one equals one?

Word Search for Atlantis
In this National Treasure spin off, Nicholas Cage discovers an ancient 60 foot tall box of Honey Nut Cheerios who’s word search yields the secret location to Atlantis. Can he get to the bottom of this mystery, solve the puzzle, and find the prize inside?

Headbutt!

Ouch!

When did movies decide that the Headbutt was the ultimate martial arts technique that when done right none could defend against? Think about it! How many times have you seen a guy not knocked out by a headbutt? None! How many guys have you seen survive a nuclear explosion? A couple, right?! Like Indianna Jones and the Crappy Movie of I Wish I Didn’t Spend Ten Dollars On.

Nothing works like a Headbutt. “There he is! Shoot him!” (Guy dives out of the way, bullets spark around him.) “Alright, that didn’t work. Let’s blow up the building instead!” (Guy leaps forward as the building explodes behind him). “Alright let’s try a headbutt.” Checkmate! ... or should I say Headbutt!

Headbutts are unstoppable in movies, they’re like hovercrafts. “Oh no here comes the hovercraft! How are we going to get away?” “Quick, jump into this lake” No good! The hovercraft is undeterred by the change in terrain! It’s the same deal with headbutts!

Have you ever seen a real headbutt? Real headbutts are a horrifying! Most of the time it hurts both people about equally, it’s a ghastly bloody affair and I hate to see it glamorized in film!

An American Girl: Why Kit Kittredge Creeps Me out.

As I have been driving around town lately, I have spotted on several occasions the poster for "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl." For those of you who don't know, this movie is based on the popular American Girl line of dolls. Each doll focuses on a particular time period in American history. Apparently Kit comes from the terrifyingly creepy part.
Does this poster freak anyone else out? Every time her cold lifeless eyes stare at me I get chills. And it's not that I have anything against Abigail Breslin. I loved her in "Little Miss Sunshine." So what was wrong with this poster that it made me want to cut out my eyes rather than look at it again?

I took a closer look.


Death! Kit Kittredge uses her binoculars to seek out the death of all of humanity! Run! Run! Before she sends her hell hound after you!

Indiana’s Whip and Other Great Films with Unusual Weapons

Indiana Jones has a whip in his new movie, and he uses that whip to fight guns. And oh yeah guys, spoiler alert on this one, the whip totally beats the guns by whipping them out of the bad guy's hands! Here are some other adventure movies and how they make use of unusual or alternative weapons.

Yukon Dave and the Fiefdom of Lost Blimps
In Fiefdom, Yukon faces The Lords of the Underground, all of whom have missiles. Lucky for Davey that he has his trusty belt sander. Final score: Missiles: Zero, Belt Sander: Victorious.

Insomniators
Hopelessly trapped in the land between consciousness and dream, Dan Rothman, must fight the evil that is inside him (as represented by several big snakes who always want to bite him) good thing he has his trusty mace and mobile gallows.

Red Demon: Night Hunter
George Takei defeats the devil using the power of love.

When Harry Met Sally: The Voyage Home
During the third pirate attack, Sally wields a giant pelican’s beak to swallow the Pirate King. Meanwhile, Billy Crystal uses his magic pen to draw things which fall on people’s heads like in the cartoons.

Full House: The Motion Picture

The well of new and fresh ideas has dried up long ago, or at least it has if you are a film producer. With more and more small screen classics making the jump to the big screen (Sex in the City, Fraggle Rock, Speed Racer, The A-Team) Funbox would like to present its contribution to this trend –

Full House: The Motion Picture

Daniel Tanner had it all; A loving wife, three beautiful daughters, and he was about to crack the biggest scandal of his reporting career. But exposing the truth comes with a price, and now the mayor and the Triad gangsters who fund his corruption are out to take Daniel and his family down before his story can see the light of day. When Daniel comes home to find his wife murdered and his three daughters kidnapped, the cops turn a blind eye and Daniel has no choice but to turn to his drug addled wannabe rock star brother-in-law Jesse for help. Meanwhile, the three Tanner girls, D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle, desperately try to escape the Triads with the help of the hilarious taxi driver, “Uncle Joey” who finds himself caught up in the middle of a harrowing adventure that none of them will ever forget.

What this Summer's Blockbusters can Teach us About Ourselves -

Iron Man

Plot: While in captivity, industrialist Tony Stark (Downey) creates a high-tech suit of armor which he first uses to fight his way to freedom, and then to prevent a dark-minded scientific genius from carrying out his nefarious plot against humankind.

Meaning: The amour represents man’s desire to keep a distance from his fellow man, while Robert Downey Jr. represents man’s desire for men.

Made of Honor

Plot: Tom (Dempsey) is a consummate ladies' man. Hannah (Monaghan) is his best friend and the one constant in his life. But when Hannah leaves town for a six-week business trip, allowing Tom to realize his love for her runs deeper than he ever knew, how does he deal with conveying his feelings -- especially when she returns with an engagement ring on her finger, and a request for him to be in her wedding?

Meaning: With the modern world’s gender roles continuing to blur as we progress in this technological age, this film address the brand new issue of can men and woman just be friends? In the end, they prove that men and women must bone if they want to talk to each other.

What Happens in Vegas…

Plot: Joy (Diaz) and Jack (Kutcher) meet while on a Las Vegas bender, where their drunken nuptials are only part of a larger problem: What to do when Jack wins $3 million with Joy's quarter, and they are forced to spend six months as wife and husband if they are to see a penny of their winnings.

Meaning: Greed should never supplant the needs of the ones emotional self. Material goods can not provide the happiness that forced marriage can.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Plot: The Pevensie children return to Narnia one year after their first adventure in the magical land. Soon after entering the kingdom, however, they learn that 1,000 years has passed here, and all is not well since an evil king ascended to the throne. The children and allies both, old and new, band together to help restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, Prince Caspian (Barnes).

Meaning: Imagination and the willingness to hope are often seen as childish, but it is these qualities that allow children to overcome diverse obsticales. As adults we too could do with a dose of optimism in the face of adversity. Also, Jesus is a lion.

Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot: Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones (Ford) is called back into action to stop a Soviet plot to uncover and use ancient artifacts in order to take over the world.

Meaning: Hiding the past away will not help us have a secure future. We must uncover our own personal “relics” and gain control over what curses they might have imposed upon our lives. Only then will we have the strength to punch our own personal “Soviet Spies” in the face.

Sex and the City

Plot: Set four years after we last saw the ladies, Carrie (Parker), Samantha (Cattrall), Miranda (Nixon), and Charlotte (Davis) negotiate their friendships, romances, and careers in New York City. At the center of it all is Carrie's pending nuptials to Mr. Big (Noth).

Meaning: Ask your girlfriend. She’ll explain it to you.

The Incredible Hulk

Plot: Geneticist Bruce Banner (Norton) takes flight in order to understand -- and hopefully cure -- that the condition that turns him into a monster. Complicating his situation is the military initiative that wants him captured and controlled, as well as the arrival of a more-deadly nemesis: The Abomination.

Meaning: Life deserves second chances. Sure something may have caused you pain in the past, but that’s no reason not to try again. I mean, it might be good this time. Right?

The Love Guru

Plot: Pitka (Meyers) an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player (Malco) whose wife left him for a rival lover (Timberlake) before the NHL Stanley Cup.

Meaning: The same meaning as Austin Powers.

The Dark Knight

Plot: The Caped Crusader (Bale) teams ups with Gotham's Lieutenant Jim Gordon (Oldman) and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Eckhart) to take on the city's newest villain -- The Joker (Ledger).

Meaning: Escalations of conflict only causes more conflict. The only true way to end a fight is to kill someone (or the person who plays them).

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D

Plot: A geologist (Fraser) on a special mission with his son (Hutcherson) discovers the entrance into a previously unseen world.

Meaning: See you are the Earth, and sometimes you need to journey to the center of yourself. You are also probably full of dinosaurs. The 3-D represents your mother’s love.

* Movie summaries from IMDB.com

Things Overheard at the Iron Man Premiere

“Iron Man! They should call him Iron Suit Man, because it was his suit that was made of iron and not him and I don’t even think he used iron.”

“Did you see Stan Lee’s cameo? He played the soulless man who would do anything for money.”

“I love theater popcorn!”

“I should have waited to watch that on YouTube when it’s a 3 minute montage of explosions set to Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose.’”

“Did you hear they are doing a comic based on the movie?”

“I couldn’t decide who I wanted to kiss more, Iron Man or Tony Stark!”

“Badoo. Pwew! Pwew! Fwoomp! (Runs around like he is flying).”

"George Lucas really took Indiana Jones to a weird place."

“Wow, you can hardly tell that Robert Downey Jr. no longer has a drug problem.”

“I was disappointed. That had nothing to do with the song “Iron Man.”

“That movie just made me more excited for the upcoming Hulk movie!”

Big Shots

There is no denying it, FunBox is becoming a big deal. So big in fact that we have to start considering that very important question. Who will play us in the FunBox motion picture the most certainly chronicle our rise to stardom, tragic but inevitable fall, our even more inevitable return to stardom, and our struggles as we took the system head on and won, changing the world forever one heart at a time.

So start debating. Who should play Matt, Paul, and Will in the FunBox movie?