Movies we'll be seeing soon

With Hollywood already making films based on children's books, comics, video games, board games, toys, TV shows, other movies, card games, and astrological events, I didn't think it was possible that there was anything left to rip stories from and repackage as two hours of moving pictures. Then I went to Vegas and saw Hollywood's next frontier: slot machines. Here are a few films I think we'll all be watching soon:

Sun & Moon
Since the beginning of time, Sun and Moon have been bitter rivals. In their last epic struggle, a cocky Sun set the Lunar System ablaze as he managed to win up to 50 free games. Now, as the Great Cycle passes, a blue Moon patiently masses his Mayan armies and plots revenge.



Whales of Ca$h
John Whales just inherited some cash. A lot of cash! Suddenly he's a jerk and a braggart, wearing a top hat everywhere he goes, and using a bag with a dollar sign in lieu of a wallet. But when his pal Crabby overdoses at one of his famous parties, and buds Clam and Squid are too afraid after the incident to even talk with him. John soon learns that it takes more than cash to buy back friendship.



Game King: Multi-Denomination
The Unseen Game King is back seeking retribution for his last defeat 10,000 years ago. Can Robert Crayton, a linguist from Oxford, unlock the mysterious transmissions coming from the Multi-Denomination, a place in space-time far beyond our universe, to discover the secret to defeating the mighty Game King in his lust for vengeance? In this world, there's no room for error, as malfunction voids all plays.

A film for people who have never heard of the Kinsey scale

Apparently, no one in the world in which this film takes place, has heard of the Kinsey Scale. Seriously, if your friends are constantly asking if you are gay, you need better friends.

This movie is a fail.

Let’s Go to Germany Where We Can Make Shitty Movies for Free!

Hey that looks terrible!

Ok, So if you guys already know who Uwe Boll is, then I apologize for posting a “Hey have you guys heard of these Lolcatz?” –type blog. But if you don’t, you are in for a treat!

Here is a list of Fun facts about Uwe Boll

1. Uwe Boll is a German director who makes terrible, terrible movies based on videogames.

2. His film In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Cost $60 million to produce.

3. It made $10 million.

4. When critics, almost unanimously, pan his films he challenges them to boxing matches (for real!) or calls them “retards.”

5. For some reason he holds a doctorate.

6. He’s able to finance his films because, in his own words “[T]he reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

7. He’s currently working on a film entitled Darfur.

…wait what? That’s a terrible joke Funbox, not cool!

No FOR REAL!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi884080921/

Taken

This weekend I saw the Liam Nieson movie "Taken," in case you haven't seen "Taken," it's the movie where Liam Nieson's daughter is kidnapped into the international sex trade, and then Liam Nieson gets all angry and says

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

"Taken," was such an awesome movie that it got three applause breaks in the AMC Burbank Theater that evening. I think it's because of awesome lines like:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

Anyway, what you should do is go see "Taken," and if you feel like it, leave a comment on this blog. What you shouldn't do though is kidnap Liam Nieson's daughter, and listen to his voice on the other end of his daughter's phone line. He's just going to tell you:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

…and no matter who you are, that's not a fun Friday night.

A Review of Twilight

Girls pissed their pants every time one of these people did anything.

So I saw Twilight last night (opening night 12:01 show) and that of course means that I saw it with about 350 teenage girls. In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I haven’t read the books so I was really confused about why every time a new character would appear on the screen a ton of girls totally lost their shit.

I mean they completely freaked out. I felt like I was at a Beatles concert back when the Beatles were cool. This one character, a young Indian man, got a tremendous amount of swooning literally every time he appeared on screen. So I thought, “Oh he must be an important character.” Nope! He never did anything for the whole movie! My friend, (who has read the books) explained to me, “oh later on, in the third book, he’s like a huge part of it.”

The movie was actually pretty good. I’ll have a video review up soon.

P.S. my favorite part of the whole thing was the usher standing outside talking about how there were a billion teenage girls and a few creepy old guys. I overheard him saying to his friend “Don’t you know what jail is?!”

Trailers should be the Feature

So I have been thinking about this for a while and I think it's a pretty good plan. Lets get rid of all feature length movies and just have trailers. I am just sick of movies not living up to all the potential that the trailer implies they have. The best part of movies is always what I think is going to happen in my head. The trailer shows two guys throwing a bear out of moving train with a voice saying "No Holds Bear Action" and I think that bear must have been an assassin! But then you go see the movie and it was just that the bear didn't have a ticket. Lame. When you watch a trailer the movie gets to be as awesome as you want it to be. (And I'm pretty good at making movies so they are awesome.)

Plus you can just recut the the trailer to match whatever movie you might be in the mood for. Comedy? Just show the parts with guys falling down. Romance? Show the parts where the girl helps the guy back up. Action? Show the evil dude pouring oil on the floor and the hero running full speed into it. Kids? Show the hero's puppy jumping from a helicopter. Adult? Show the puppy landing in a nude girl's arms.

Plus less time to eat popcorn means less carbs, and we could all use less carbs.

The Importance of Being an Assistant

If you have any aspirations at all about working in the entertainment industry you will probably spend some time as an assistant. One of the things you will notice as an assistant in Hollywood is that everything is important. “Shit, Julia they still haven’t delivered that three-hole paper! Get them on the phone and don’t let them hang up until you get a straight answer from those assholes!” or “Where are the good forks! The meeting is in 5 minutes and I’m not going to have it with these shitty plastic forks!” Another thing you might notice is that your definition for what counts as a good joke will alter drastically, “We took Jeff’s precious tricolor highlighter and… get this… hid it! He’s going to be looking for that fucking thing forever *snicker snicker*!”

Also people swear a lot.

The End of Comic Book Movies

Batman, Iron Man, Hulk, Wanted....with so many of this summer’s movies being based on comic books, the film industry now appears to be running out of comic books to borrow from and is forced to turn to other types recreational of print. Here’s a preview of next summer’s top films:


Michael Bay’s: Let’s Get Ready To Color
Massive amounts of coloring-action here. Bay spent over 25 million dollars on sea green, and brick red alone! Nick Nolte stars as a a cop in Crayola Town who can’t stay on the same page with his department. When the mob shreds his partner in a crayon sharpener, he has to go “outside the lines.”

The Passion of the CrossWord
Jesus Is beaten up like...a lot. Then they give him a crossword puzzle that kills him. Then he comes back to life and solves it. God wins! Suck it heathens!

Sense and Sudoku
Clint Eastwood directs this heartwarming tale as Robert Redford and Maryl Streep, both aging an lamenting their loss of mathematical and cognitive abilities, form a bond over sudokus gone by. Is it love or a little bit of dementia that will ultimately teach them that one plus one equals one?

Word Search for Atlantis
In this National Treasure spin off, Nicholas Cage discovers an ancient 60 foot tall box of Honey Nut Cheerios who’s word search yields the secret location to Atlantis. Can he get to the bottom of this mystery, solve the puzzle, and find the prize inside?

Headbutt!

Ouch!

When did movies decide that the Headbutt was the ultimate martial arts technique that when done right none could defend against? Think about it! How many times have you seen a guy not knocked out by a headbutt? None! How many guys have you seen survive a nuclear explosion? A couple, right?! Like Indianna Jones and the Crappy Movie of I Wish I Didn’t Spend Ten Dollars On.

Nothing works like a Headbutt. “There he is! Shoot him!” (Guy dives out of the way, bullets spark around him.) “Alright, that didn’t work. Let’s blow up the building instead!” (Guy leaps forward as the building explodes behind him). “Alright let’s try a headbutt.” Checkmate! ... or should I say Headbutt!

Headbutts are unstoppable in movies, they’re like hovercrafts. “Oh no here comes the hovercraft! How are we going to get away?” “Quick, jump into this lake” No good! The hovercraft is undeterred by the change in terrain! It’s the same deal with headbutts!

Have you ever seen a real headbutt? Real headbutts are a horrifying! Most of the time it hurts both people about equally, it’s a ghastly bloody affair and I hate to see it glamorized in film!

Indiana’s Whip and Other Great Films with Unusual Weapons

Indiana Jones has a whip in his new movie, and he uses that whip to fight guns. And oh yeah guys, spoiler alert on this one, the whip totally beats the guns by whipping them out of the bad guy's hands! Here are some other adventure movies and how they make use of unusual or alternative weapons.

Yukon Dave and the Fiefdom of Lost Blimps
In Fiefdom, Yukon faces The Lords of the Underground, all of whom have missiles. Lucky for Davey that he has his trusty belt sander. Final score: Missiles: Zero, Belt Sander: Victorious.

Insomniators
Hopelessly trapped in the land between consciousness and dream, Dan Rothman, must fight the evil that is inside him (as represented by several big snakes who always want to bite him) good thing he has his trusty mace and mobile gallows.

Red Demon: Night Hunter
George Takei defeats the devil using the power of love.

When Harry Met Sally: The Voyage Home
During the third pirate attack, Sally wields a giant pelican’s beak to swallow the Pirate King. Meanwhile, Billy Crystal uses his magic pen to draw things which fall on people’s heads like in the cartoons.

Full House: The Motion Picture

The well of new and fresh ideas has dried up long ago, or at least it has if you are a film producer. With more and more small screen classics making the jump to the big screen (Sex in the City, Fraggle Rock, Speed Racer, The A-Team) Funbox would like to present its contribution to this trend –

Full House: The Motion Picture

Daniel Tanner had it all; A loving wife, three beautiful daughters, and he was about to crack the biggest scandal of his reporting career. But exposing the truth comes with a price, and now the mayor and the Triad gangsters who fund his corruption are out to take Daniel and his family down before his story can see the light of day. When Daniel comes home to find his wife murdered and his three daughters kidnapped, the cops turn a blind eye and Daniel has no choice but to turn to his drug addled wannabe rock star brother-in-law Jesse for help. Meanwhile, the three Tanner girls, D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle, desperately try to escape the Triads with the help of the hilarious taxi driver, “Uncle Joey” who finds himself caught up in the middle of a harrowing adventure that none of them will ever forget.

What this Summer's Blockbusters can Teach us About Ourselves -

Iron Man

Plot: While in captivity, industrialist Tony Stark (Downey) creates a high-tech suit of armor which he first uses to fight his way to freedom, and then to prevent a dark-minded scientific genius from carrying out his nefarious plot against humankind.

Meaning: The amour represents man’s desire to keep a distance from his fellow man, while Robert Downey Jr. represents man’s desire for men.

Made of Honor

Plot: Tom (Dempsey) is a consummate ladies' man. Hannah (Monaghan) is his best friend and the one constant in his life. But when Hannah leaves town for a six-week business trip, allowing Tom to realize his love for her runs deeper than he ever knew, how does he deal with conveying his feelings -- especially when she returns with an engagement ring on her finger, and a request for him to be in her wedding?

Meaning: With the modern world’s gender roles continuing to blur as we progress in this technological age, this film address the brand new issue of can men and woman just be friends? In the end, they prove that men and women must bone if they want to talk to each other.

What Happens in Vegas…

Plot: Joy (Diaz) and Jack (Kutcher) meet while on a Las Vegas bender, where their drunken nuptials are only part of a larger problem: What to do when Jack wins $3 million with Joy's quarter, and they are forced to spend six months as wife and husband if they are to see a penny of their winnings.

Meaning: Greed should never supplant the needs of the ones emotional self. Material goods can not provide the happiness that forced marriage can.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Plot: The Pevensie children return to Narnia one year after their first adventure in the magical land. Soon after entering the kingdom, however, they learn that 1,000 years has passed here, and all is not well since an evil king ascended to the throne. The children and allies both, old and new, band together to help restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, Prince Caspian (Barnes).

Meaning: Imagination and the willingness to hope are often seen as childish, but it is these qualities that allow children to overcome diverse obsticales. As adults we too could do with a dose of optimism in the face of adversity. Also, Jesus is a lion.

Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot: Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones (Ford) is called back into action to stop a Soviet plot to uncover and use ancient artifacts in order to take over the world.

Meaning: Hiding the past away will not help us have a secure future. We must uncover our own personal “relics” and gain control over what curses they might have imposed upon our lives. Only then will we have the strength to punch our own personal “Soviet Spies” in the face.

Sex and the City

Plot: Set four years after we last saw the ladies, Carrie (Parker), Samantha (Cattrall), Miranda (Nixon), and Charlotte (Davis) negotiate their friendships, romances, and careers in New York City. At the center of it all is Carrie's pending nuptials to Mr. Big (Noth).

Meaning: Ask your girlfriend. She’ll explain it to you.

The Incredible Hulk

Plot: Geneticist Bruce Banner (Norton) takes flight in order to understand -- and hopefully cure -- that the condition that turns him into a monster. Complicating his situation is the military initiative that wants him captured and controlled, as well as the arrival of a more-deadly nemesis: The Abomination.

Meaning: Life deserves second chances. Sure something may have caused you pain in the past, but that’s no reason not to try again. I mean, it might be good this time. Right?

The Love Guru

Plot: Pitka (Meyers) an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player (Malco) whose wife left him for a rival lover (Timberlake) before the NHL Stanley Cup.

Meaning: The same meaning as Austin Powers.

The Dark Knight

Plot: The Caped Crusader (Bale) teams ups with Gotham's Lieutenant Jim Gordon (Oldman) and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Eckhart) to take on the city's newest villain -- The Joker (Ledger).

Meaning: Escalations of conflict only causes more conflict. The only true way to end a fight is to kill someone (or the person who plays them).

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D

Plot: A geologist (Fraser) on a special mission with his son (Hutcherson) discovers the entrance into a previously unseen world.

Meaning: See you are the Earth, and sometimes you need to journey to the center of yourself. You are also probably full of dinosaurs. The 3-D represents your mother’s love.

* Movie summaries from IMDB.com

Things Overheard at the Iron Man Premiere

“Iron Man! They should call him Iron Suit Man, because it was his suit that was made of iron and not him and I don’t even think he used iron.”

“Did you see Stan Lee’s cameo? He played the soulless man who would do anything for money.”

“I love theater popcorn!”

“I should have waited to watch that on YouTube when it’s a 3 minute montage of explosions set to Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose.’”

“Did you hear they are doing a comic based on the movie?”

“I couldn’t decide who I wanted to kiss more, Iron Man or Tony Stark!”

“Badoo. Pwew! Pwew! Fwoomp! (Runs around like he is flying).”

"George Lucas really took Indiana Jones to a weird place."

“Wow, you can hardly tell that Robert Downey Jr. no longer has a drug problem.”

“I was disappointed. That had nothing to do with the song “Iron Man.”

“That movie just made me more excited for the upcoming Hulk movie!”

Big Shots

There is no denying it, FunBox is becoming a big deal. So big in fact that we have to start considering that very important question. Who will play us in the FunBox motion picture the most certainly chronicle our rise to stardom, tragic but inevitable fall, our even more inevitable return to stardom, and our struggles as we took the system head on and won, changing the world forever one heart at a time.

So start debating. Who should play Matt, Paul, and Will in the FunBox movie?