Let’s Go to Germany Where We Can Make Shitty Movies for Free!

Hey that looks terrible!

Ok, So if you guys already know who Uwe Boll is, then I apologize for posting a “Hey have you guys heard of these Lolcatz?” –type blog. But if you don’t, you are in for a treat!

Here is a list of Fun facts about Uwe Boll

1. Uwe Boll is a German director who makes terrible, terrible movies based on videogames.

2. His film In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Cost $60 million to produce.

3. It made $10 million.

4. When critics, almost unanimously, pan his films he challenges them to boxing matches (for real!) or calls them “retards.”

5. For some reason he holds a doctorate.

6. He’s able to finance his films because, in his own words “[T]he reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

7. He’s currently working on a film entitled Darfur.

…wait what? That’s a terrible joke Funbox, not cool!

No FOR REAL!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi884080921/

Enemy Mode

Screw it, I’m gonna go backwards!

Hey kids! Are you playing a game that all of a sudden you’ve stopped enjoying? Don’t quit, instead just go into Enemy Mode! What’s Enemy Mode you ask? Enemy Mode is where you continue to play and abide by the rules, while still trying to ruin it for everybody.

Playing Mario Kart and you’re way behind? Simply go into Enemy Mode and run the race backwards! You’re sure to be an obstacle and annoyance for everyone!

Poker night and all of a sudden you just ‘don’t feel like playing anymore’? Don’t politely collect your chips and leave the table! That’s the Adult thing to do. Instead switch to Enemy Mode! Make wild bets, tell some players what cards you have and not others, go all-in every hand! As long as you don’t technically break any of the rules you’re in Enemy Mode!

Playing Risk and you realize you’re probably not going to win? Instead of trying your best and playing the game as it’s meant to be played, ally yourself with another player (particularly if it’s a significant other) and try to end the game as quickly as possible by letting them eliminate you! Not only will you be able to end this game quickly, Enemy Mode assures that you probably won’t be asked to play again!

P.S. Sometimes Enemy Mode is actually awesome.

Alone in the Dark: A Really, Really Awful Game

Oh no fire! I’d better slowly amble down this hallway.

Hey do you guys remember games that went a little something like this?

>You are in the Vivarium. There is a door to the north.
North

> There is a door to the north.
Go North

>I don’t know how to go that!
Walk north.

>I don’t understand.
Open.

>Open what?

Open door! (Asshole)

>You open the door. You are in a closet. There is a key here. You die of Starvation. THE END.

That’s what playing Alone in the Dark feels like. You know that there’s a fun adventure in there somewhere, but there’s no way in hell you’ll ever find it because you’re too busy slowly walking off a ledge! You know what I mean about slowly walking of a ledge right? I’m talking about those infuriating parts of a game where you stand on a ledge that you’re clearly supposed to jump across. You try to jump, but instead your character stupidly steps off the ledge and whirls around to catch himself at the last moment, climbing up, so you can try it all over again. “Hmm… Maybe if I get a running start… Fall! Whirl! Catch! Climb back up. Shut off console. Write angry game review.”

It’s just the worst game; every single thing you try to do is impeded by poor controls. The building you are in erupts in flames and starts collapsing, but your character seems unperturbed, slowly walking away. “Is there a ‘run’ button that I’m not pushing? Ah there it is! No, no, that’s a ‘slowly jog’ button.” I know what you’re thinking ‘But Funbox don’t you know that unnecessarily slow protagonists stupidly bumbling about are a great way to build tension?” No actually, we didn’t know that.

F+

Conversations at Home that Were Accidental Haikus

April 17^th Hummingbird sighting:

Look a Hummingbird!
…Aww you missed it. It was great.
It’s back! Right there! Look!

Conversation about milk:

“Are we out of milk?”
“Um, I just bought some last week.”
“I think we’re out.”

How can you not know?
We’re either not out of milk
or we’re out of milk.

The Tao of DK:

In Mario Cart
I always pick Donkey Kong
No one else likes him.

Mega Man Box Art

How much does Mega Man look like a Dad in this picture?

What I love best about the Mega Man box art is how unlike Mega Man, Mega Man is for at least 3 of the titles. They’re still trying to pass the game off as if it’s an awesome Tron-like world Where Mega Man is a slightly pudgy dude with a gun. Look how seriously he’s taking this! We’re not even going to talk about the cover for Mega Man 1.

WTF?!

Don't get me wrong though, these games were sweet, I don’t care what other people say I was totally unphased by the robot made out of a log called ‘Wood Man.’ Leaf shield was awesome and besides it’s no weirder than a robot based on wind.

Yes we know that in the Japanese versions he’s sometimes called Rockman, and we know that this is just the North American art, please don’t try to out-nerd us.

Video Game Product Tie Ins

Grand Theft Auto IV has set media records for selling $500 million dollars worth of games in just one week. With video games at the top of the entertainment heap it will only be a matter of time before we seem them widening their net into other products. (Remember Mountain Dew's Halo 3 drink. That shit made playing Halo 3 awesome!) Here are some items we are likely to see in the near future.


Grand Theft Auto Inurance - Sometimes people need to shoot hookers for the mob, and sometimes they need to do it fast. No big surprise that cars get stolen. When they do you're going to be glad you have Grand Theft Auto Insurance.


Devil May Cry Facial Tissue - Sure Devils may cry, but you're a human and you will cry! It's a fact of life. When it happens why not use a tissue soft enough to handle Dante's demon tears?


Metal Gear Solid Deodorant - Sneaking up and murdering people can be a tough job that makes you work up a sweat. If you're not going to let them hear you coming, make sure you don't let them smell you coming.


Call of Duty Toilet Paper - When Duty calls.


Super Moreo Cookies - See because, Mario is a slant rhyme with Oreo and slant rhymes are marketing and comedy gold... Alright you think you're so smart? Why don't you try thinking up a couple!

An Excerpt from Super Mario Bros. The Novel:

The sweat burned my eyes. Blinking hard I tried to focus. I needed to focus. Only a cold blooded creature could consider a castle full of lava as its home. My overalls felt like they weighed a ton. My movements were all in slow motion. Even my mustache was drenched through. As the heat pressed in from all sides I wanted to give up. From the glint in his red eyes I could tell that's what he was waiting for. If it was just me maybe it would have been O.K. to just curl up and die, but she was counting on me, her and the entire Mushroom Kingdom. If he had laid one hand upon her soft flaxen hair so help me I would...

Damn. I had let my mind wander and he had seen it. A toothy grin spread across Bowser's face as he exhaled. The flaming expulsion from his bowels hurled towards me. He was gloating already that bastard. This was my chance. I summoned all the strength I had left and blindly leapt forward. With my eyes squeezed shut, I felt the intense heat of the fireball pass beneath my feet. I just might do it. I forced my eyes open. Seeing that look on Bowser's face invigorated me more than a thousand cold showers. He knew that death had finally come for him. I started to descend. My thick steel toed boots made contact with the vile lizard's skull. My full weight slammed his head into the stonework bridge. With a sickening crunch it was over. Bowser was dead. There was no time to celebrate or to consider how I was going to wash the reptile brains from my overalls, a crack had formed where we had landed and it was starting to splinter the walkway. I ran. The stones behind me fell away. I heard the sizzle from Bowser's corpse hitting the lava but I did not stop. I ran. I saw her face again. My princess. I jumped as the last piece of the bridge gave way.

My fingers clutched the shiny handle of an ax stuck into the ground at the edge of the precipice. My feet dangled over the remnants of the bridge sinking into the red hot lava. The sweat on my hands was already making my grip falter. I quickly pulled myself up. I pulled the ax out of its mount and carried it with me to the door that lay ahead. With one swing I splintered the lock and pushed the door open. I cool breeze escaped from the darkness with in the cell.

In the corner was a huddled mass. I approach delicately, becoming fully aware of my own stench and filth. I was just an plumber from Brooklyn. How could I even think she could love me? But no, the dirt that stained my clothes, that was from battling the tyrants that had enslaved her people. I reeked of a man fighting to free the woman he loved. She would understand. She always did. Just to touch that hair again. I reach forward. "Princess?" The figure gazed up at me with a thankful but saddened look. "Thank you Mario. But our princess is in another castle!"