Movies we'll be seeing soon

With Hollywood already making films based on children's books, comics, video games, board games, toys, TV shows, other movies, card games, and astrological events, I didn't think it was possible that there was anything left to rip stories from and repackage as two hours of moving pictures. Then I went to Vegas and saw Hollywood's next frontier: slot machines. Here are a few films I think we'll all be watching soon:

Sun & Moon
Since the beginning of time, Sun and Moon have been bitter rivals. In their last epic struggle, a cocky Sun set the Lunar System ablaze as he managed to win up to 50 free games. Now, as the Great Cycle passes, a blue Moon patiently masses his Mayan armies and plots revenge.



Whales of Ca$h
John Whales just inherited some cash. A lot of cash! Suddenly he's a jerk and a braggart, wearing a top hat everywhere he goes, and using a bag with a dollar sign in lieu of a wallet. But when his pal Crabby overdoses at one of his famous parties, and buds Clam and Squid are too afraid after the incident to even talk with him. John soon learns that it takes more than cash to buy back friendship.



Game King: Multi-Denomination
The Unseen Game King is back seeking retribution for his last defeat 10,000 years ago. Can Robert Crayton, a linguist from Oxford, unlock the mysterious transmissions coming from the Multi-Denomination, a place in space-time far beyond our universe, to discover the secret to defeating the mighty Game King in his lust for vengeance? In this world, there's no room for error, as malfunction voids all plays.

Things I learned this weekend while working the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

*If your girlfriend wants to convince you never to have kids she would do well to help you land a job working the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

*Wrestler John Cena looks like a brick with arms and legs. He will also claim to watch SpongBob if it will help his fledgling movie career.

*Most of film making involves listening to people on walkie talkies asking "what's your twenty?" and carrying heavy things to be used block off seemingly random locations on set.

*Slime is best cleaned with washable children's diapers. It also kind of smells green.

*People who work on movie sets have more tattoos than pirates.

*Pirates would be good film makers because they can carry heavy things.

Stop Takin’ Our Damn Words!

Remember the movie star one-name trend? It seems one day celebrity dieting got so out of hand that the weight of a surname was too much for anyone living in Hollywood's Hills to carry and suddenly stars such as, Brad, Angelina and George were left holding only single name monikers.

Presumably these abbreviations were purely altruistic, as they'd lesson our burdens when talking about important things such as Ocean's Thirteen, and Tomb Raider, and should these single names add confusion to conversations involving non famous Brads: perhaps a son, a mentor, or a life partner, well that was a small price to pay.

Now though, I'm starting to get worried. The one word name trend has spread beyond people and is now sweeping the restaurant industry. Here's a conversation I heard last night when visiting Hollywood:

"Have you eaten at Craft or Ammo?"
"Yeah but I prefer Milk or Eat."
"I've always wanted to try Chocolate, let's go retro progressive and do a Chocolate - Milk thing!"

What if I want milk as a thing to drink or ammo as a means of killing zombies? And frankly I've got a friend named George and he's getting upset that I'm now completely confused by any reference to himself and automatically launch into conversation about ER and Clooney's brief run on the Facts of Life upon hearing his name.

With restaurants and celebs doing this, it's not long before car-makers, trade associations, cable news channels, babies weighing more than five pounds eight ounces, and every-friggen-body-else start claiming hole entire words as their own. You'll ask for "eggs" "benedict" and end up with a debutante from Alabama infected with a very specific form of Lyme disease. The English language will break down as we know it and we won't even be able to shoot each other cause we'll be trying to load our firearms with crap ass eateries located on Highland pushing eighteen dollar broccoli soup.

Anyway, I'm gonna go work on my cave drawings.

President Baby

One of FunBox's good friends and star of 'Astounding Tales of the Hunt' Asterios Kokkinos, has just put up quite an entertaing look at so called Hollywood Pitchfests. These are events where people pay many to get feed back on their scripts from 'real producers.' He wanted to see if he pitched some of the worst movies ever if the producers would blow smoke up his butt or tell him the truth. The results are a true delight. The name of his site (and the title of one of the best pitches) is President Baby. Check this shit out.

Big Shots

There is no denying it, FunBox is becoming a big deal. So big in fact that we have to start considering that very important question. Who will play us in the FunBox motion picture the most certainly chronicle our rise to stardom, tragic but inevitable fall, our even more inevitable return to stardom, and our struggles as we took the system head on and won, changing the world forever one heart at a time.

So start debating. Who should play Matt, Paul, and Will in the FunBox movie?

My first Job in Hollywood

It’s my first job in Hollywood; and it’s exactly the way I imagined it!

INT. BACKLOT SET - DAY

Happy 1950’s style music is playing. The Director, MR. JOHNSON is roaming the Set making sure everything is Just right for the big scene.

MR. JOHNSON
Hm, looks like we could use a few more rainbows in that dream machine! Don’t you think so Jimmy!

JIMMY
(Salutes)
Yes sir Mister Johnson!

MR. JOHNSON
(To another P.A.)
Hey and don’t you think this place could use just a little more fairy dust?

P.A.
(Gives a thumbs up)
Whatever you say Mr. J!

MR. JOHNSON
And how are we doing on that tinsel?

ME
Oh actually the Tinsel guys just called
they said they were going to be about 15 minutes late.

MR. JOHNSON
OH FUCKING TYPICAL! THIS IS FUCKING TYPICAL! WHERE’S SAM! IF I DON’T SEE SOME GODDAMN TINSEL IN THE NEXT 2 MINUTES SOMBODY’S GOING TO BE OUT OF A FUCKING JOB!

FADE OUT.

Insert - 10 HOURS LATER...

We see an exhausted Me slowly walking out to the parking lot. Dejectedly I get on a unicorn and ride it out of the studio and onto the Highway. It is packed with other unicorns and moving very slowly. There is a lot of unicorn smog.

Hey you! Let’s get famous together!

These days, probably the most important thing in the world when judging a person is whether or not that individual is famous. The famed are better than the rest of us, and are thus allowed live by a different set of rules.

Then there’s you and me: one cares if we’re hired, or fired, or tossed out of an airplane. No one would mind if we were attacked by bears, or eaten by sharks, and if you and I happened upon some sort of mythical beast and it devoured our flesh? Well people wouldn’t give a friggen rat’s ass about that either. Because we’re not famous, and no one gives a damn about us and our not-fame!

That’s right. You and I are the furthest thing possible from famous, and thus don’t even merit the air we breathe. In fact, I’ve been holding my breath a lot lately. Have you? I know! We’re supposed to nowadays, because otherwise we’d be taking up all that air for the famous, and you and I definitely don’t fit into that category. Have you been cutting back on water too? I haven’t seen us in a flashy magazine. Photographers don’t hide in our bushes and harass our loved ones. So it seems we’re not important. I think there’s like a law where we have to practice conservation to preserve our limited resources for the famous community: community to which we most definitely do NOT belong.

Come to think of it, not being famous also means we’re also probably not supposed to be dreaming. Who’s to say there’s not a set amount of dreams to go around? If that’s the case, won’t we get in trouble if any of our nonfamous hopes, goals, or wishes get in the way of the big important exciting ones of the famed set? Won’t we get yelled at if our struggles for meaning, happiness, and love interfere in any way with a famous person’s exactly identical but infinitely more important ones?

So yeah, I guess you and I only have two options. We could refrain from living our own lives and make extra sure to fixate upon theirs, all the while knowing the famous are the best people possible and acknowledging that they are like us only more special, more human, and more sculpted of divine. Or we could go with my other plan.

I was thinking: let’s just go kill somebody. Killers are like the most famous people of all! And if anyone deserves fame it’s us. So how bout it? Let’s just go kill somebody. It’s about time that we got special too!

Hollywood Writers’ Strike Replacement Shows

Pimp My Grandfather
Guests trick out old broken-down family members using the latest, most high end medical procedures including: heart valve replacements, blood transfusions, skin grafts, and whatever it was that made Barry Bonds hit all those home runs. Then they're taken to L.A.'s hottest clubs to see who truly is the most pimp grandfather of all.

Death Factor
Contestants who agree to be shot receive a small financial incentive.

Trading Spaces Al Anbar Province
Insurgents and US military forces swap roles for a day, and redecorate each other's bases of operations in an effort to better understand of each other's lifestyles. Instead though, they mostly plant bombs to kill each other for laters.

Feed CC202A
Security camera monitoring the Ralph's parking lot located on 260 South La Brea Avenue.

New Episodes of Mind of Mencia
Despite the strike, Carlos will still be able to continue stealing material from everyone who performs at The Comedy Store.

Botulism Island
Volunteers are marooned on an island where their only resource is dented cans.

NFeLephant
Documentary chronicling one pachyderm's dream to play starting linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. Bobo's followed the sport since being a wee child (weighing just over 400lbs), and vows he'd play the game for peanuts.

Single Family Double Dare
Children without fathers or mothers compete win bicycles, gaming systems, and the love of Marc Summers.

Women in Bikinis Watch Reruns of Cheers: The Show
Expected to be a ratings home run and a major reason why studios will refrain from pursuing good faith negotiations with the writers.