Bad Show Reviews

There are few things as wonderful as bad television. The kind of television where you sit there with your friends asking "they actually made that?" And one of the best pieces of television going right now is called Christianmovie.net.

Christianmovie.net, is on "The Word Network" at an indeterminate time on an indeterminate day. I say this because while my DVR is set to record it. Sometimes the show will dissappear for weeks only to show up with another episode just when I thought it was gone for good. Why do I record it you ask? And why do we invite guests to see it? Well let's begin.

The idea behind CMN is that it's a weekly television show designed to showcase, you guessed it, Christan movies. Christian movies are very different from secular movies: namely most Christian movies don't seem to care about: production value, acting, directing, story pacing, writing, or holding a viewer's interest. They do have on thing in commen with normal movies though: length. They're usually about two hours. Unfortunately CMN is only a half hour weekly show. Have you ever spent several months watching a movie? CMN chops up each of their films and gives you a tiny bite to consume each week.

Now every movie show needs a great host, and CMN is no different. It needs a great host, but it HAS Paster Dan. Paster Dan is a portly fellow who inturrupts the film 2-3 times each week to monologue. Despite the regularity of these inturruptions it's fairly obvious that preparation is not a big part of the pastor's ministry. Mostly Dan just improvs about how how much he likes movies saying something like this: "when I was younger I'd go to the movies. They'd be bright and they'd have the candy and the popcorn...and the movies....we need movies....movies are a part of who we are...movies...christian movies. That's why they're so important today."

The previous is not a quote but it's very close to the gist of his ideas. His plan seems to be:

1. Talk about how movies are great.
2. Talk about how he saw some movies one time.
3. Say the phrase "Christian movies" as if all the movies that were good actually were Christian movies which assuredly they were not.

I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish with his plan, but hey he's on television sometimes so more power to the guy.

CMN is a great show for one last reason: in the the middle of the each week's movie episode the movie itself is inturrupted by PREVIEWS of other movies. It's as if the show's saying: "guess what we have a thirty minute time slot to show a two hour movie every week, and we inturrupt it by the ramblings of our fat paster. We're also gonna inturrupt with this!

You will never get through a movie on Christianmovies.net. Not even using your DVR. After four episodes of "Apocolypse" it mysteriously dissapeared to leave us hanging for 4 weeks, only to return with a teaching tale on the dangers of abortion. Which leads to the following dilemma should my girlfriend and I ever become pregnant: if Apocolypse begins and we can't find out if one lone believer can save us all. Is this really a world worth living in? I'm not sure, but I bet that abortion tale will show me the way.

Here's a link the the horrible website if you don't believe me. It's got a picture of Paster Dan:

http://christianmovie.net/

One show that I’m watching that you probably are not watching

One of the problems with trying to get a gig in the entertainment industry is that it tends to make watching popular television remind you of the work you're trying to get away from. That's probably why I've been watching so much Daniel Boone lately.

Daniel Boone is a 1960's adventure show following the exploits of the frontiersman. The show airs on World Harvest Television (WHT) a station whose two goals seem to be to get you to give money to God (you can just mail it to them since they're nice enough to pass it along) and to get you to buy the expensive supplements sold by a vitamin company who seems to be the station's only real advertiser.

A great part of the show actually comes beforehand when an announcer tells us: "The Following Program is an educational informational program designed to reach children 16 and under." I'm not under 16 years old, but if WHT is trying to reach me via Boone's exploits of spying on pirates, pretending to be a ghost in a haunted house, and hunting enough meat for the season, then consider me reached!

My favorite part of the show though is is the introduction. It explains:

Daniel Boone was a man,
Yes, a big man!
With an eye like an eagle
And as tall as a mountain was he!

As the words are sung, Boone throws an ax, which splits a tree and shatters it to spell the words "Daniel Boone". Talk about a big man! I'm not sure he's as big as a mountain, but I've got a pretty good idea he's taking those fancy vitamins World Harvest is selling.

Lessons

Yesterday, as I watched a very special episode of "Perfect Strangers," Cousin Larry went a little too crazy shooting a film about Balki's life. Then, Balki explained why replacing their friends with actors was wrong, and Larry learned the true meaning of friendship.

Unlike Balki and Cousin Larry, most of the people I know actually work in the film industry. Next weekend, I'm doing a project where I replace all those people with friends. I'm hoping when things go poorly I'll learn the true meaning of acting.

How to Murder Someone

So my girlfriend has been watching a lot of daytime TLC and Oxygen. In case you don’t know, TLC stands for ‘The Learning Channel.’ For a channel about learning, I’ve gotta say it sure has a lot of shows about The World’s Fattest Teenagers, and Little People. But one thing I have defiantly been learning is how to murder someone.

Snapped is a show about women who have snapped. By ‘snapped’ the show means ‘have killed their husbands/boyfriends.’ Watching this show is a great How To about murdering. Naturally they don’t actually say, “Police will check your phone records” but they do say, “Police checked her phone records.” After the forth or fifth time you hear about defensive wounds on the husband’s arms and life insurance policies that were taken out only a few days before you start to pick up on some stuff.

So I don’t know if I should be nervous or not, but she’s forgotten about my peanut allergy a few times.

The Importance of Being an Assistant

If you have any aspirations at all about working in the entertainment industry you will probably spend some time as an assistant. One of the things you will notice as an assistant in Hollywood is that everything is important. “Shit, Julia they still haven’t delivered that three-hole paper! Get them on the phone and don’t let them hang up until you get a straight answer from those assholes!” or “Where are the good forks! The meeting is in 5 minutes and I’m not going to have it with these shitty plastic forks!” Another thing you might notice is that your definition for what counts as a good joke will alter drastically, “We took Jeff’s precious tricolor highlighter and… get this… hid it! He’s going to be looking for that fucking thing forever *snicker snicker*!”

Also people swear a lot.

Swingtown: A Show about your Parents Fucking

Apparently we're getting all our images from Perez Hilton now.

Hey! You know what would be great? A show starring people that remind you of old pictures of your parents and it’s about them fucking each other! That’s the premise for the terrible new show, Swingtown.

Ostensibly the show is supposed to explore the strange world of the 70’s and its sexual revolution. At first glance this seems like a great premise, until you realize that we are already living in a second, better, sexual revolution. It’s difficult to get a hard-on about Dads wife swapping, when shows like The L Word, and shit, even Sex in the City, are around.

PILOT: The whole show sounds like a rambling anecdote told by your aunt about that “one crazy night” back in the 70’s. That’s how my cousin Eric was conceived!

Susan Miller (Molly Parker) and husband Bruce (Jack Davenport) are moving. Are they moving to an exotic new world?! No. They are moving to a better house a few blocks away. Susan’s good friend and neighbor Janet (Miriam Shor) is pretty broken up about it. Is it because Janet and Susan are secretly lovers?! No. They’re just good friends and Janet’s going to miss her. Where’s the sex?

Meanwhile, troubled teen Samantha (Brittany Robertson) gets on her bike in the pouring rain, loaded down with a backpack. Is she running away from her train wreck of a mother?! No. Her mom asks her to buy more tin foil at the store, and she does. Tin foil, fascinating!

Samantha is squatting in the empty house the millers are moving into. Susan and Bruce come home feeling frisky. Is Samantha going to creepily watch them having sex?! Are the Millers going to catch this teenager spying on them?! No. They’re interrupted when the doorbell rings. Janet and her husband Roger (Josh Hopkins) show up with leftovers from the barbeque! What a twist!

At least the four of them are headed over to Tom and Trina’s (Grant Show and Lana Parrilla) house. Trina gives Susan a Quaalude. Is she going to get all messed up and make a mistake?! No, it just makes her feel good. Tom and Trina ask the Millers if they want to join their foursome (Finally!). Is this going to destroy their marriage?! Is one of them going to be more into it than the other?! No. It just ‘Strengthens their relationship.’ NOTHING HAPPENS! The most interesting thing is a 4-way that happens off screen.

Oh by the way the Miller’s son BJ (Aaron Howles) catches Samantha sneaking back into his room to retrieve a necklace. When he questions her she says, “Mind your own business.” Um Samantha, you’re the one spying, breaking and entering. Their daughter Laurie (Shanna Collins) decides to break up with her dumb boyfriend to pursue her hunky teacher (Michael Rady) he likes Bob Dylan *swoon.* Laurie is reading Kierkegaard for Cirssakes! She hasn’t figured out that she doesn’t like dumb guys yet?

Verdict: No one is hot (Realistic 70’s style makeup and dress = gross). No one is interesting (Why invent new characters when you can rely on flat overused ones like Troubled teen, Dysfunctional Mom, Unsatisfied wife, Intellectual Girl and Crushable teacher). No one is Gay (yet). You can’t see fucking (it’s on CBS). And nothing happens. B-

I’m just kidding F (Please see me!)

Satan's Living Room

So to finally settle all the forum arguments once and for all:

Yes, that was FunBox's very own Will on Fox's Hell's Kitchen last night.

Do you hear that knocking? That's stardom banging on our door. Why don't I just go let him in. Oh look, he brought his best friends fame and fortune too.

"Hey guys, I bet if I complain we'll totally get on TV."

It was a fun night. Gordon was yelling in the kitchen and we weren't getting served. Basically how you would expect service to go in Hell's Kitchen. The less fun part was all the tables around us got food. We were left to sit there and much on bread (very good bread mind you). All about the room were moans of "mmm, this is so good. I've never had _____ this good before." You could hear all our hearts shatter simultaneously when we heard Gordon bellow from the kitchen "Shut it Down!"

We had been there five hours and only had eaten a couple morsels of bread. When the room was clearing out though, we noticed that on the empty table next to ours was sitting a virtually untouched piece of cake. We quickly looked at each other wondering if we dared, but the hunger in our eyes said it all. We reached over and grabbed the cake and hurriedly tore it to shreds carefully avoiding the spot where the previous owner had sampled. Delicious.

The episode can viewed on Hulu. My scene is about 26 minutes in.

Full House: The Motion Picture

The well of new and fresh ideas has dried up long ago, or at least it has if you are a film producer. With more and more small screen classics making the jump to the big screen (Sex in the City, Fraggle Rock, Speed Racer, The A-Team) Funbox would like to present its contribution to this trend –

Full House: The Motion Picture

Daniel Tanner had it all; A loving wife, three beautiful daughters, and he was about to crack the biggest scandal of his reporting career. But exposing the truth comes with a price, and now the mayor and the Triad gangsters who fund his corruption are out to take Daniel and his family down before his story can see the light of day. When Daniel comes home to find his wife murdered and his three daughters kidnapped, the cops turn a blind eye and Daniel has no choice but to turn to his drug addled wannabe rock star brother-in-law Jesse for help. Meanwhile, the three Tanner girls, D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle, desperately try to escape the Triads with the help of the hilarious taxi driver, “Uncle Joey” who finds himself caught up in the middle of a harrowing adventure that none of them will ever forget.

How to Look Good Naked at Others Expense

I watched two episodes of Lifetimes new series How to Look Good Naked (and like most interesting shows on television, it is a remake of a British show similarly titled). As far as make over shows, its definitely a step in the right direction. The basic idea is the fabulously funny and flamboyant Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame) helps pretty curvaceous woman feel confident in their bodies when society tells them they shouldn’t be. Note that I mentioned pretty woman. So far in the series all the woman have had very pretty faces. Heavy or Skinny there isn’t much you can do if your visage looks like it was shaped with a box cutter.

The show starts with Carson putting a giant headless photo of the woman sporting only undies up on the side of a building and asking passerby’s what they think of her. The answers range from “Hot!” to “That’s what a real woman looks like!” In one episode, the woman being taught to look good naked points out the fact that the show probably edited out the hurtful comments, but the fact remains a lot of people did say nice things about her. It is also definitely true that these woman do reflect more average ideals of women's sensuality then the models and porn stars that are on constant display from normal media (Yes. I subject myself to a constant display of porn stars.) That’s really the best part of this show. It’s o.k. not to be rail thin. It’s o.k to have arms that wiggle a little when you wave. It’s more than o.k. It’s normal.

The show then buys the woman new bras. Apparently the biggest problem for woman today is that everyone of them is wearing the wrong bra. I got to admit it did help them a lot. Some weird bulges and ripples that were happening before disappeared with a size increase. Did you know that the strap is only supposed to support ten percent of a boob's weight? Well, its some number like that. Anyway my point is I’ll be glad to support the rest of it for you. Am I right fellas?

Sorry. I’m reviewing a Lifetime show. I’m allowed one guy moment. Back to business.

New clothes, make up, and hair, and the lady is ready for her fashion shoot. What’s that Carson? You want her to do it naked!?! Shut your fucking mouth! What? She’ll only be naked in the sense that she won’t be wearing anything underneath the fabric that covers the naughty bits, just like clothing would? Oh, o.k. then. So far in the two episodes I’ve seen the “naked” photo shoots had a woman lying on a bed with sheets, and a woman sitting on a chair covered in sheets. I just wonder how many different ways the show will be able to think of to make them tastefully not naked. I’m calling it here folks, beach shoot holding beach balls. Oh yeah, what about the crotch…hmm... a seagull flyin by?

Now to get to my major complaint. The program is about showing women to accept their bodies the way they are because you don’t have to look like a model to be sexy. To help do this they line up 6 other women in order of waist size (also wearing just undies). The main woman has to examine them and place herself in the line. She always places herself at the larger end of the scale. This is when Carson tells her that she is way wrong and should be all the way at smaller end! The woman looks stunned and smiles happily in her new place. She wasn’t as fat as she thought she was and hence can feel good about herself. Wait a minute. What about the woman who is at the end of the line? Should she feel bad about herself because she isn’t as small as the other woman? Will she need her own show where even larger woman are made to stand in line for her? For such a great show this one part seems a major oversight. The only reason why being smaller makes the woman feel better is because of the notion that skinnier is better which is exactly what the rest of the half hour tries to put an end to. I mean, add a couple more women to the smaller side of the line and we have poor self esteem all over again.

But in the end the show accomplishes what it sets out to do, and the women they make over are more confident and for once, happy with themselves the way the are. Confident enough in fact, to ask people staring at a giant nudesque photo of themselves “Do I look good naked.” To which I would answer "I wouldn't know. You are wearing a sheet in the picture. Do you have something where I can see your crotch. Perhaps while you are making eye contact with the camera."

Hollywood Writers’ Strike Replacement Shows

Pimp My Grandfather
Guests trick out old broken-down family members using the latest, most high end medical procedures including: heart valve replacements, blood transfusions, skin grafts, and whatever it was that made Barry Bonds hit all those home runs. Then they're taken to L.A.'s hottest clubs to see who truly is the most pimp grandfather of all.

Death Factor
Contestants who agree to be shot receive a small financial incentive.

Trading Spaces Al Anbar Province
Insurgents and US military forces swap roles for a day, and redecorate each other's bases of operations in an effort to better understand of each other's lifestyles. Instead though, they mostly plant bombs to kill each other for laters.

Feed CC202A
Security camera monitoring the Ralph's parking lot located on 260 South La Brea Avenue.

New Episodes of Mind of Mencia
Despite the strike, Carlos will still be able to continue stealing material from everyone who performs at The Comedy Store.

Botulism Island
Volunteers are marooned on an island where their only resource is dented cans.

NFeLephant
Documentary chronicling one pachyderm's dream to play starting linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. Bobo's followed the sport since being a wee child (weighing just over 400lbs), and vows he'd play the game for peanuts.

Single Family Double Dare
Children without fathers or mothers compete win bicycles, gaming systems, and the love of Marc Summers.

Women in Bikinis Watch Reruns of Cheers: The Show
Expected to be a ratings home run and a major reason why studios will refrain from pursuing good faith negotiations with the writers.