Bad Show Reviews

There are few things as wonderful as bad television. The kind of television where you sit there with your friends asking "they actually made that?" And one of the best pieces of television going right now is called Christianmovie.net.

Christianmovie.net, is on "The Word Network" at an indeterminate time on an indeterminate day. I say this because while my DVR is set to record it. Sometimes the show will dissappear for weeks only to show up with another episode just when I thought it was gone for good. Why do I record it you ask? And why do we invite guests to see it? Well let's begin.

The idea behind CMN is that it's a weekly television show designed to showcase, you guessed it, Christan movies. Christian movies are very different from secular movies: namely most Christian movies don't seem to care about: production value, acting, directing, story pacing, writing, or holding a viewer's interest. They do have on thing in commen with normal movies though: length. They're usually about two hours. Unfortunately CMN is only a half hour weekly show. Have you ever spent several months watching a movie? CMN chops up each of their films and gives you a tiny bite to consume each week.

Now every movie show needs a great host, and CMN is no different. It needs a great host, but it HAS Paster Dan. Paster Dan is a portly fellow who inturrupts the film 2-3 times each week to monologue. Despite the regularity of these inturruptions it's fairly obvious that preparation is not a big part of the pastor's ministry. Mostly Dan just improvs about how how much he likes movies saying something like this: "when I was younger I'd go to the movies. They'd be bright and they'd have the candy and the popcorn...and the movies....we need movies....movies are a part of who we are...movies...christian movies. That's why they're so important today."

The previous is not a quote but it's very close to the gist of his ideas. His plan seems to be:

1. Talk about how movies are great.
2. Talk about how he saw some movies one time.
3. Say the phrase "Christian movies" as if all the movies that were good actually were Christian movies which assuredly they were not.

I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish with his plan, but hey he's on television sometimes so more power to the guy.

CMN is a great show for one last reason: in the the middle of the each week's movie episode the movie itself is inturrupted by PREVIEWS of other movies. It's as if the show's saying: "guess what we have a thirty minute time slot to show a two hour movie every week, and we inturrupt it by the ramblings of our fat paster. We're also gonna inturrupt with this!

You will never get through a movie on Christianmovies.net. Not even using your DVR. After four episodes of "Apocolypse" it mysteriously dissapeared to leave us hanging for 4 weeks, only to return with a teaching tale on the dangers of abortion. Which leads to the following dilemma should my girlfriend and I ever become pregnant: if Apocolypse begins and we can't find out if one lone believer can save us all. Is this really a world worth living in? I'm not sure, but I bet that abortion tale will show me the way.

Here's a link the the horrible website if you don't believe me. It's got a picture of Paster Dan:

http://christianmovie.net/

Year in Review 2008

January 3 - very youthful, almost seductively supple. Oozing with echoes of cocoa, molasses, and sweet baking spice. Clearly made for a long run, when it will develop more nuanced secondary flavors and aromas.

March 23 - very enjoyable with hints of clove and peach, neither weak nor cloyingly potent.

July 21 - excellent. a little sweet with nutty traces; lean-bodied and verged on effervescence. An excellent day to enjoy with mild cheeses, pizza, and burgers.

December 2 - enjoyable, but not quite as complex or engaging as one would expect during a typical December, as it was less intense. Joined by a pleasant toffee note.

A Review of Twilight

Girls pissed their pants every time one of these people did anything.

So I saw Twilight last night (opening night 12:01 show) and that of course means that I saw it with about 350 teenage girls. In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I haven’t read the books so I was really confused about why every time a new character would appear on the screen a ton of girls totally lost their shit.

I mean they completely freaked out. I felt like I was at a Beatles concert back when the Beatles were cool. This one character, a young Indian man, got a tremendous amount of swooning literally every time he appeared on screen. So I thought, “Oh he must be an important character.” Nope! He never did anything for the whole movie! My friend, (who has read the books) explained to me, “oh later on, in the third book, he’s like a huge part of it.”

The movie was actually pretty good. I’ll have a video review up soon.

P.S. my favorite part of the whole thing was the usher standing outside talking about how there were a billion teenage girls and a few creepy old guys. I overheard him saying to his friend “Don’t you know what jail is?!”

Alone in the Dark: A Really, Really Awful Game

Oh no fire! I’d better slowly amble down this hallway.

Hey do you guys remember games that went a little something like this?

>You are in the Vivarium. There is a door to the north.
North

> There is a door to the north.
Go North

>I don’t know how to go that!
Walk north.

>I don’t understand.
Open.

>Open what?

Open door! (Asshole)

>You open the door. You are in a closet. There is a key here. You die of Starvation. THE END.

That’s what playing Alone in the Dark feels like. You know that there’s a fun adventure in there somewhere, but there’s no way in hell you’ll ever find it because you’re too busy slowly walking off a ledge! You know what I mean about slowly walking of a ledge right? I’m talking about those infuriating parts of a game where you stand on a ledge that you’re clearly supposed to jump across. You try to jump, but instead your character stupidly steps off the ledge and whirls around to catch himself at the last moment, climbing up, so you can try it all over again. “Hmm… Maybe if I get a running start… Fall! Whirl! Catch! Climb back up. Shut off console. Write angry game review.”

It’s just the worst game; every single thing you try to do is impeded by poor controls. The building you are in erupts in flames and starts collapsing, but your character seems unperturbed, slowly walking away. “Is there a ‘run’ button that I’m not pushing? Ah there it is! No, no, that’s a ‘slowly jog’ button.” I know what you’re thinking ‘But Funbox don’t you know that unnecessarily slow protagonists stupidly bumbling about are a great way to build tension?” No actually, we didn’t know that.

F+

Swingtown: A Show about your Parents Fucking

Apparently we're getting all our images from Perez Hilton now.

Hey! You know what would be great? A show starring people that remind you of old pictures of your parents and it’s about them fucking each other! That’s the premise for the terrible new show, Swingtown.

Ostensibly the show is supposed to explore the strange world of the 70’s and its sexual revolution. At first glance this seems like a great premise, until you realize that we are already living in a second, better, sexual revolution. It’s difficult to get a hard-on about Dads wife swapping, when shows like The L Word, and shit, even Sex in the City, are around.

PILOT: The whole show sounds like a rambling anecdote told by your aunt about that “one crazy night” back in the 70’s. That’s how my cousin Eric was conceived!

Susan Miller (Molly Parker) and husband Bruce (Jack Davenport) are moving. Are they moving to an exotic new world?! No. They are moving to a better house a few blocks away. Susan’s good friend and neighbor Janet (Miriam Shor) is pretty broken up about it. Is it because Janet and Susan are secretly lovers?! No. They’re just good friends and Janet’s going to miss her. Where’s the sex?

Meanwhile, troubled teen Samantha (Brittany Robertson) gets on her bike in the pouring rain, loaded down with a backpack. Is she running away from her train wreck of a mother?! No. Her mom asks her to buy more tin foil at the store, and she does. Tin foil, fascinating!

Samantha is squatting in the empty house the millers are moving into. Susan and Bruce come home feeling frisky. Is Samantha going to creepily watch them having sex?! Are the Millers going to catch this teenager spying on them?! No. They’re interrupted when the doorbell rings. Janet and her husband Roger (Josh Hopkins) show up with leftovers from the barbeque! What a twist!

At least the four of them are headed over to Tom and Trina’s (Grant Show and Lana Parrilla) house. Trina gives Susan a Quaalude. Is she going to get all messed up and make a mistake?! No, it just makes her feel good. Tom and Trina ask the Millers if they want to join their foursome (Finally!). Is this going to destroy their marriage?! Is one of them going to be more into it than the other?! No. It just ‘Strengthens their relationship.’ NOTHING HAPPENS! The most interesting thing is a 4-way that happens off screen.

Oh by the way the Miller’s son BJ (Aaron Howles) catches Samantha sneaking back into his room to retrieve a necklace. When he questions her she says, “Mind your own business.” Um Samantha, you’re the one spying, breaking and entering. Their daughter Laurie (Shanna Collins) decides to break up with her dumb boyfriend to pursue her hunky teacher (Michael Rady) he likes Bob Dylan *swoon.* Laurie is reading Kierkegaard for Cirssakes! She hasn’t figured out that she doesn’t like dumb guys yet?

Verdict: No one is hot (Realistic 70’s style makeup and dress = gross). No one is interesting (Why invent new characters when you can rely on flat overused ones like Troubled teen, Dysfunctional Mom, Unsatisfied wife, Intellectual Girl and Crushable teacher). No one is Gay (yet). You can’t see fucking (it’s on CBS). And nothing happens. B-

I’m just kidding F (Please see me!)

Teenie Tones™ : A Second Look

On Monday April 28, 2008 we here at FunBox had posted a candid appraisal of a musical act that performed at a local mall. There was an immediate and intense outcry against what had been deemed a “harsh” review. Claims were made that we, a comedy site on the internet, had perverted something intended as pure and innocent entertainment for children, into something perverted. After numerous requests to remove the posting or risk legal action, we quickly capitulated and took down the offending material. One of the core values that we hold dear at FunBox, is to listen to any complaint and do what they want. Who are we to have our own opinion? As one of the bibles says, “it is the braying donkey that gets fed.” So here is our revised review of the newest sensation in singing marionettes, the Teenie Tones™.

Photo Curtesy of our own Funbox Reporters

Teenie Tones™:
A review of the show so great it makes me want to kill myself because I know life cannot possibly get any better.

What would you say if I told you there was a planet that was far far away called Muzar? What if I told you it was inhabited by nine children who communicate through music? Now, what if I told you that those intergalactic kids are rock star puppets and they are going to fly on their Starship Harmony (that runs on clapping) and come visit a mall near you? If you are like me you would look around and ask to see God because hey, this must be heaven (more like heavFun)! But luckily you don’t have to die to experience this miracle, all you have to do is be fortunate enough to attend a Teeny Tones™ show! With inspired lyrics set to soul stirring music, these delightfully care free puppets rock their way through some of the most wonderful entertainment ever created ever. With so much negativity bombarding our children everyday, this wholesome group of puppet performers is just what every parent should feel obliged to take their children to. I have heard reports that a handicapped child went to a Teenie Tones™ show and left walking. The best part is that the fun doesn’t have to stop at the mall, the benevolent people behind the show have put together an assortment of tapes and shirts that will almost definitely help stop any child from becoming a homeless drug addict. Feel free to comment below with which Teenie Tones™ is your favorite! Mine is La-Le!

Is Anyone Else Just Pretending to Like Dune?

I felt really bad about not having read Dune until late in my Sci-Fi career. Everyone I talked to about Sci-Fi acted like Dune was Christ on wheels. It won the Hugo and the Nebula awards and had all those sequels. I mean Dune had to be good right? Right?!

No, not really.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is mystified by Dune’s appeal. I asked my roommate about it. “Dune, isn’t that the one where they drink their pee?” Yes… yes it is. The whole time I was reading it I just couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible the inside of those Stillsuits must smell. I mean, just imagine, water is so scarce that you wear a suit specifically designed to recapture every iota of water that your body exudes, filter it, and pump it back up into your mouth with a hose. And you’re telling me it won’t stink like the back of a fat guy’s knee? You’re supposed to wear this thing until you die right? It’s hard for me to sympathize with a hero who I imagine smells like the inside of a rented wetsuit, and then drinks that sweat. Gug, do they even bother to cool it down, or do they just drink it warm? I’m literally gagging as I type this.

Oh, and spoiler alert. The reason there is so little water? It’s toxic to the Sandworms. What? The water is Toxic? How can water be toxic, it’s water?! Your one chance to do some actual writing about science in the whole novel and you blew it Frank Herbert. You blew it.

Now I know that it’s over 4 decades old, but I still find it a little offensive that the powerful Bene Gesserit witch women positively cream themselves at the thought of bringing a male into their order. “Oh if only a man could learn our ways he would truly be the Messiah!”*

Stay tuned for my reviews of all the sequels!

*Not a real quote.

How to Look Good Naked at Others Expense

I watched two episodes of Lifetimes new series How to Look Good Naked (and like most interesting shows on television, it is a remake of a British show similarly titled). As far as make over shows, its definitely a step in the right direction. The basic idea is the fabulously funny and flamboyant Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame) helps pretty curvaceous woman feel confident in their bodies when society tells them they shouldn’t be. Note that I mentioned pretty woman. So far in the series all the woman have had very pretty faces. Heavy or Skinny there isn’t much you can do if your visage looks like it was shaped with a box cutter.

The show starts with Carson putting a giant headless photo of the woman sporting only undies up on the side of a building and asking passerby’s what they think of her. The answers range from “Hot!” to “That’s what a real woman looks like!” In one episode, the woman being taught to look good naked points out the fact that the show probably edited out the hurtful comments, but the fact remains a lot of people did say nice things about her. It is also definitely true that these woman do reflect more average ideals of women's sensuality then the models and porn stars that are on constant display from normal media (Yes. I subject myself to a constant display of porn stars.) That’s really the best part of this show. It’s o.k. not to be rail thin. It’s o.k to have arms that wiggle a little when you wave. It’s more than o.k. It’s normal.

The show then buys the woman new bras. Apparently the biggest problem for woman today is that everyone of them is wearing the wrong bra. I got to admit it did help them a lot. Some weird bulges and ripples that were happening before disappeared with a size increase. Did you know that the strap is only supposed to support ten percent of a boob's weight? Well, its some number like that. Anyway my point is I’ll be glad to support the rest of it for you. Am I right fellas?

Sorry. I’m reviewing a Lifetime show. I’m allowed one guy moment. Back to business.

New clothes, make up, and hair, and the lady is ready for her fashion shoot. What’s that Carson? You want her to do it naked!?! Shut your fucking mouth! What? She’ll only be naked in the sense that she won’t be wearing anything underneath the fabric that covers the naughty bits, just like clothing would? Oh, o.k. then. So far in the two episodes I’ve seen the “naked” photo shoots had a woman lying on a bed with sheets, and a woman sitting on a chair covered in sheets. I just wonder how many different ways the show will be able to think of to make them tastefully not naked. I’m calling it here folks, beach shoot holding beach balls. Oh yeah, what about the crotch…hmm... a seagull flyin by?

Now to get to my major complaint. The program is about showing women to accept their bodies the way they are because you don’t have to look like a model to be sexy. To help do this they line up 6 other women in order of waist size (also wearing just undies). The main woman has to examine them and place herself in the line. She always places herself at the larger end of the scale. This is when Carson tells her that she is way wrong and should be all the way at smaller end! The woman looks stunned and smiles happily in her new place. She wasn’t as fat as she thought she was and hence can feel good about herself. Wait a minute. What about the woman who is at the end of the line? Should she feel bad about herself because she isn’t as small as the other woman? Will she need her own show where even larger woman are made to stand in line for her? For such a great show this one part seems a major oversight. The only reason why being smaller makes the woman feel better is because of the notion that skinnier is better which is exactly what the rest of the half hour tries to put an end to. I mean, add a couple more women to the smaller side of the line and we have poor self esteem all over again.

But in the end the show accomplishes what it sets out to do, and the women they make over are more confident and for once, happy with themselves the way the are. Confident enough in fact, to ask people staring at a giant nudesque photo of themselves “Do I look good naked.” To which I would answer "I wouldn't know. You are wearing a sheet in the picture. Do you have something where I can see your crotch. Perhaps while you are making eye contact with the camera."