Movies we'll be seeing soon

With Hollywood already making films based on children's books, comics, video games, board games, toys, TV shows, other movies, card games, and astrological events, I didn't think it was possible that there was anything left to rip stories from and repackage as two hours of moving pictures. Then I went to Vegas and saw Hollywood's next frontier: slot machines. Here are a few films I think we'll all be watching soon:

Sun & Moon
Since the beginning of time, Sun and Moon have been bitter rivals. In their last epic struggle, a cocky Sun set the Lunar System ablaze as he managed to win up to 50 free games. Now, as the Great Cycle passes, a blue Moon patiently masses his Mayan armies and plots revenge.



Whales of Ca$h
John Whales just inherited some cash. A lot of cash! Suddenly he's a jerk and a braggart, wearing a top hat everywhere he goes, and using a bag with a dollar sign in lieu of a wallet. But when his pal Crabby overdoses at one of his famous parties, and buds Clam and Squid are too afraid after the incident to even talk with him. John soon learns that it takes more than cash to buy back friendship.



Game King: Multi-Denomination
The Unseen Game King is back seeking retribution for his last defeat 10,000 years ago. Can Robert Crayton, a linguist from Oxford, unlock the mysterious transmissions coming from the Multi-Denomination, a place in space-time far beyond our universe, to discover the secret to defeating the mighty Game King in his lust for vengeance? In this world, there's no room for error, as malfunction voids all plays.

I'm Sorry, But I Need a Vacation From My List of People to Destroy

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of problems with my list of people to destroy and I think it’s time to take a breather. Now before you protest, I already know what you’ll say: “whether slighted by a boss, jilted by a lover, or merely cut off in traffic, it’s just plain healthy to refrain from speaking, to compress all my negative emotions into a tiny ball of pure hatred, and let it fester: boiling in my stomach until it explodes in a vicious tidal wave of fury which obliterates all those who have fed it’s savage hunger.” And yeah, you may be right. The thing is though, life’s been giving me a lot of “list of people to destroy” lemons these days, and I’m having the darndest time making “list of people to destroy" lemonade.

Yesterday was the last straw. I spent a good fourteen hours or so carving an enemy’s deepest secrets into living rock only to finally realize I’d typoed (or I guess carve-od) his name. I’m sitting there going: “Crap, I don’t have time to buff this out,” and I realized my only choice was to chip the word “oops” below my mistake and hope nobody’s offended. I’ve been stressed about it ever since.

I’ve been making lots of mistakes like this lately, and I think they stem from having too many elaborate Machiavellian schemes going on at the same time. To put it bluntly, it's hard keeping track of the destruction of this many people and the work is suffering because of it. Ever set in motion an elaborate scheme to humiliate someone’s “one true love,” and then become so distracted with other ploys, that upon your return you realize they’ve already broken up like a week ago? Well this guy has! The only thing worse is concocting multiple clever ways to blast scores of enemies into the flaming pits of darkness and then to find they’ve all died of natural causes. Crap I’m getting frustrated!

So that’s why I’m making this official announcement to all my friends and enemies. I’ve decided to kick back and go on a of “list of people to destroy” sabbatical for a while. I really need some “me” time, and when it comes down to it, there are lots of places and things I’d like to destroy as well. Don’t worry, though. I’m sure I’ll be back soon to destroy every last one of you. In the meantime, I wish you all well. If you could do me just one favor: please don’t break up or go off dying on me.