The Importance of Being an Assistant

If you have any aspirations at all about working in the entertainment industry you will probably spend some time as an assistant. One of the things you will notice as an assistant in Hollywood is that everything is important. “Shit, Julia they still haven’t delivered that three-hole paper! Get them on the phone and don’t let them hang up until you get a straight answer from those assholes!” or “Where are the good forks! The meeting is in 5 minutes and I’m not going to have it with these shitty plastic forks!” Another thing you might notice is that your definition for what counts as a good joke will alter drastically, “We took Jeff’s precious tricolor highlighter and… get this… hid it! He’s going to be looking for that fucking thing forever *snicker snicker*!”

Also people swear a lot.

Stupid Fairy Tale Legal System

I recently bought a large bag of apples which I keep at work. Lately however, I've begun to suspect that my boss is eating them. I don't want to ask him because my suspicions could be wrong, and after all, they're only apples. I mean it's not like they're made of silver or something.

Yesterday, I was thinking maybe I could just slip a poison apple into the bag and that'd be a good way to find out if he's guilty. Then I realized, when he bit into it, he'd probably just fall asleep and turn into a princess. A handsome prince would come save him and they'd both end up living in a total plush castle.

So poison's out. There's no way I want him scoring a handsome prince outta eating my friggin apples.