Food is Weird

I mentioned eating cow tongue to an associate the other day, and they commented "That's weird." I struck back with, "Eating food is weird."

If the concept of devouring the parts and flesh of other organisms, be they living or dead, to sustain your own life doesn't creep you out a little, then...

I don't know what, but the point is, it's creepy.

There are food shows based on hosts or contestants eating the bizarre and unusual (Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman being my fav). One week it cow's testicles, the next week its fermented sea sponges. But at its root is that any more crazy than devouring unripened chicken fetuses with a side of ground up toasted grass that has been fed to a bacteria, aged, and then baked? And that's just eggs and toast.

I think once you make peace with the idea of devouring things, the specifics of what you are eating don't matter so much.

Then again, I do get my nutrients from an IV full of chemicals.

Boba!

DRINK THIS!

In case you don’t know what boba (or ‘bubble tea’ for the round eyes) is, it’s a tea or fruit drink with tapioca balls in it. It’s super num!

I love boba, but I have to wonder who the first person was to say, “Hey this smoothie is great, but you know what would make it even better? If it had something black in it that you had to struggle to suck up through a straw.”*

The other Day I was talking on the phone and my girlfriend mouthed the words “do you want? ...” and then made this ‘sucking gesture’ and bobbed her head up and down. I hurriedly hung up the phone and was all exited, then I found out she meant ‘Do you want to get some Boba?’ I wasn’t even mad! We were going to go get Boba!

How can you not like boba? It’s a drink with Puddin’ in it!

*Translated from Taiwanese

FunBox Burger

Menu from FunBox’s new fast food Restaurant FunBox Burger.

Classic Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin topped with a slice of Vermont cheddar made especially for us in Wisconsin. Served with vine ripened tomatoes and vine ripened lettuce. All topped with our special “Matt Sauce” on a sesame bread holder. This is the burger to eat when you want a burger to eat.

Razz-a-ma-tazz Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin seasoned with all the jazz of New Orleans! This is topped with a slice of 100% certified Angus Mozzarella and smothered in an authentic style Creole Jambalaya sauce. It is topped off with lettuce, grilled onion, and a live deep fried crawdad. Not even a levy could hold you back from this one.

Uncle Sam’s Burger

An all American burger like your grandfather ate! Two half-pound U.S.D.A. certified chuck patties are topped with creamy havarti and Edam cheeses and a fresh mescaline salad with a lemon poppy seed vinaigrette. All this is piled high on grilled rye bread. Served with a side of our White Bean Gazpacho Soup.

Thunderstorm Burger

We call it our Thunderstorm Burger because you are going to get drenched. A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin is topped with over 8 oz. of Barbeque Sauce, Honey Mustard sauce, “Matt Sauce,” Creole Jambalaya sauce, and Mustard Honey sauce. Your choice of a cracked wheat bun or a bowl.

Southwest Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin topped with a slice of Vermont cheddar made especially for us in Wisconsin. Served with vine ripened tomatoes and vine ripened lettuce. All topped with our special “Matt Sauce” on a sesame bread holder. One bite and you will swear you just took a trip to the Southwest!

California Loco Burger

Our ‘crazy’ twist on the California burger. One quarter pound of rib eye and a quarter pound of lamb blended together to make a moist burger that says, “Hey, I’m from California.” We top that off with fresh sliced avocado, home made guacamole, and a Guacamole Flavored Avocado sauce. Served on bread.

FunBox Burger

Just like our classic burger with twice the meat and twice the cheese. This FunBox is about to burst.

Sweet Caroline Burger

Just like our FunBox Burger, but with twice the meat and twice the cheese. You’ll be singing “Sweet Caroline!”

‘Five Alarm’ Alarm Burger

This burger is so hot it is sure to set off your ‘five alarm’ alarm! We blend fresh habanera chilies directly into this quarter pound sirloin burger and top it all off with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, spicy lettuce, ‘Five Alarm’ Chili, three jalapeño poppers, and chipotle mayonnaise. Kiss your fucking mouth goodbye.

Salmonella Tomato Source Found

"Man buying Tomatoes"

After an extensive search the U.S. F.D.A has discovered the source for the recent outbreak of Salmonella that has been affecting 16 different states.

"Moments Before Man Bought Tomatoes"

Satan's Living Room

So to finally settle all the forum arguments once and for all:

Yes, that was FunBox's very own Will on Fox's Hell's Kitchen last night.

Do you hear that knocking? That's stardom banging on our door. Why don't I just go let him in. Oh look, he brought his best friends fame and fortune too.

"Hey guys, I bet if I complain we'll totally get on TV."

It was a fun night. Gordon was yelling in the kitchen and we weren't getting served. Basically how you would expect service to go in Hell's Kitchen. The less fun part was all the tables around us got food. We were left to sit there and much on bread (very good bread mind you). All about the room were moans of "mmm, this is so good. I've never had _____ this good before." You could hear all our hearts shatter simultaneously when we heard Gordon bellow from the kitchen "Shut it Down!"

We had been there five hours and only had eaten a couple morsels of bread. When the room was clearing out though, we noticed that on the empty table next to ours was sitting a virtually untouched piece of cake. We quickly looked at each other wondering if we dared, but the hunger in our eyes said it all. We reached over and grabbed the cake and hurriedly tore it to shreds carefully avoiding the spot where the previous owner had sampled. Delicious.

The episode can viewed on Hulu. My scene is about 26 minutes in.