Satan's Living Room

So to finally settle all the forum arguments once and for all:

Yes, that was FunBox's very own Will on Fox's Hell's Kitchen last night.

Do you hear that knocking? That's stardom banging on our door. Why don't I just go let him in. Oh look, he brought his best friends fame and fortune too.

"Hey guys, I bet if I complain we'll totally get on TV."

It was a fun night. Gordon was yelling in the kitchen and we weren't getting served. Basically how you would expect service to go in Hell's Kitchen. The less fun part was all the tables around us got food. We were left to sit there and much on bread (very good bread mind you). All about the room were moans of "mmm, this is so good. I've never had _____ this good before." You could hear all our hearts shatter simultaneously when we heard Gordon bellow from the kitchen "Shut it Down!"

We had been there five hours and only had eaten a couple morsels of bread. When the room was clearing out though, we noticed that on the empty table next to ours was sitting a virtually untouched piece of cake. We quickly looked at each other wondering if we dared, but the hunger in our eyes said it all. We reached over and grabbed the cake and hurriedly tore it to shreds carefully avoiding the spot where the previous owner had sampled. Delicious.

The episode can viewed on Hulu. My scene is about 26 minutes in.

My first Job in Hollywood

It’s my first job in Hollywood; and it’s exactly the way I imagined it!

INT. BACKLOT SET - DAY

Happy 1950’s style music is playing. The Director, MR. JOHNSON is roaming the Set making sure everything is Just right for the big scene.

MR. JOHNSON
Hm, looks like we could use a few more rainbows in that dream machine! Don’t you think so Jimmy!

JIMMY
(Salutes)
Yes sir Mister Johnson!

MR. JOHNSON
(To another P.A.)
Hey and don’t you think this place could use just a little more fairy dust?

P.A.
(Gives a thumbs up)
Whatever you say Mr. J!

MR. JOHNSON
And how are we doing on that tinsel?

ME
Oh actually the Tinsel guys just called
they said they were going to be about 15 minutes late.

MR. JOHNSON
OH FUCKING TYPICAL! THIS IS FUCKING TYPICAL! WHERE’S SAM! IF I DON’T SEE SOME GODDAMN TINSEL IN THE NEXT 2 MINUTES SOMBODY’S GOING TO BE OUT OF A FUCKING JOB!

FADE OUT.

Insert - 10 HOURS LATER...

We see an exhausted Me slowly walking out to the parking lot. Dejectedly I get on a unicorn and ride it out of the studio and onto the Highway. It is packed with other unicorns and moving very slowly. There is a lot of unicorn smog.

Hey you! Let’s get famous together!

These days, probably the most important thing in the world when judging a person is whether or not that individual is famous. The famed are better than the rest of us, and are thus allowed live by a different set of rules.

Then there’s you and me: one cares if we’re hired, or fired, or tossed out of an airplane. No one would mind if we were attacked by bears, or eaten by sharks, and if you and I happened upon some sort of mythical beast and it devoured our flesh? Well people wouldn’t give a friggen rat’s ass about that either. Because we’re not famous, and no one gives a damn about us and our not-fame!

That’s right. You and I are the furthest thing possible from famous, and thus don’t even merit the air we breathe. In fact, I’ve been holding my breath a lot lately. Have you? I know! We’re supposed to nowadays, because otherwise we’d be taking up all that air for the famous, and you and I definitely don’t fit into that category. Have you been cutting back on water too? I haven’t seen us in a flashy magazine. Photographers don’t hide in our bushes and harass our loved ones. So it seems we’re not important. I think there’s like a law where we have to practice conservation to preserve our limited resources for the famous community: community to which we most definitely do NOT belong.

Come to think of it, not being famous also means we’re also probably not supposed to be dreaming. Who’s to say there’s not a set amount of dreams to go around? If that’s the case, won’t we get in trouble if any of our nonfamous hopes, goals, or wishes get in the way of the big important exciting ones of the famed set? Won’t we get yelled at if our struggles for meaning, happiness, and love interfere in any way with a famous person’s exactly identical but infinitely more important ones?

So yeah, I guess you and I only have two options. We could refrain from living our own lives and make extra sure to fixate upon theirs, all the while knowing the famous are the best people possible and acknowledging that they are like us only more special, more human, and more sculpted of divine. Or we could go with my other plan.

I was thinking: let’s just go kill somebody. Killers are like the most famous people of all! And if anyone deserves fame it’s us. So how bout it? Let’s just go kill somebody. It’s about time that we got special too!