Bad Show Reviews

There are few things as wonderful as bad television. The kind of television where you sit there with your friends asking "they actually made that?" And one of the best pieces of television going right now is called Christianmovie.net.

Christianmovie.net, is on "The Word Network" at an indeterminate time on an indeterminate day. I say this because while my DVR is set to record it. Sometimes the show will dissappear for weeks only to show up with another episode just when I thought it was gone for good. Why do I record it you ask? And why do we invite guests to see it? Well let's begin.

The idea behind CMN is that it's a weekly television show designed to showcase, you guessed it, Christan movies. Christian movies are very different from secular movies: namely most Christian movies don't seem to care about: production value, acting, directing, story pacing, writing, or holding a viewer's interest. They do have on thing in commen with normal movies though: length. They're usually about two hours. Unfortunately CMN is only a half hour weekly show. Have you ever spent several months watching a movie? CMN chops up each of their films and gives you a tiny bite to consume each week.

Now every movie show needs a great host, and CMN is no different. It needs a great host, but it HAS Paster Dan. Paster Dan is a portly fellow who inturrupts the film 2-3 times each week to monologue. Despite the regularity of these inturruptions it's fairly obvious that preparation is not a big part of the pastor's ministry. Mostly Dan just improvs about how how much he likes movies saying something like this: "when I was younger I'd go to the movies. They'd be bright and they'd have the candy and the popcorn...and the movies....we need movies....movies are a part of who we are...movies...christian movies. That's why they're so important today."

The previous is not a quote but it's very close to the gist of his ideas. His plan seems to be:

1. Talk about how movies are great.
2. Talk about how he saw some movies one time.
3. Say the phrase "Christian movies" as if all the movies that were good actually were Christian movies which assuredly they were not.

I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish with his plan, but hey he's on television sometimes so more power to the guy.

CMN is a great show for one last reason: in the the middle of the each week's movie episode the movie itself is inturrupted by PREVIEWS of other movies. It's as if the show's saying: "guess what we have a thirty minute time slot to show a two hour movie every week, and we inturrupt it by the ramblings of our fat paster. We're also gonna inturrupt with this!

You will never get through a movie on Christianmovies.net. Not even using your DVR. After four episodes of "Apocolypse" it mysteriously dissapeared to leave us hanging for 4 weeks, only to return with a teaching tale on the dangers of abortion. Which leads to the following dilemma should my girlfriend and I ever become pregnant: if Apocolypse begins and we can't find out if one lone believer can save us all. Is this really a world worth living in? I'm not sure, but I bet that abortion tale will show me the way.

Here's a link the the horrible website if you don't believe me. It's got a picture of Paster Dan:

http://christianmovie.net/

Why I'm Looking Forward to the Rapture

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the Rapture, a prophesied Christian event, in which true believers are suddenly whisked away from the Earth and into to Heaven. Now I don't have faith in many things, but one thing I do believe in strongly is that television will probably get a lot better after that happens. Once all those people are gone, we'll be able to swear, depict human sexuality in a realistic manner, and maybe even get "Two and a Half Men," off the air.

It'll also be awesome when all those people get raptured, because their jobs will be "left behind!" I really hope the Rapture happens soon. I want to have health care again.

Praying is for suckers

Lots of people pray when there's a natural disaster. I don't understand that. Don't get me wrong, I understand the wanting to be saved. But you what are you doing? It's pretty obvious what side God's on: he sent a giant hurricane! I'm thinking...if a guy tries to hurricane you...he's probably not a big fan of you. Meanwhile everyone's like: "Know who could get me out of this mess of God sending a giant hurricane on me?...God! I should tell him how great he is!"

That'd be like if General Motors closed down a big factory and the whole town went out and bought them gift baskets saying they were awesome in hopes that they'd magically reverse their decision. That's why when something bad happens I suggest not praying at all...but maybe we should start a union.

Location, Location, Damnation

I watched the first half of “Hell-House” the documentary about the Christian ‘haunted house’ where instead of having ghosts and goblins they have abortions and atheists. The Christian’s haunted house seemed much more disturbing than a regular haunted house. Maybe that’s because regular haunted houses don’t have every other scene end with a rape.

Seriously what is it with Christians! The “family violence” scene features rape, one of the interviewees mentions how the abortion scene was about rape and they have a rave scene where a girl gets handed a date rape drug thinking it is ecstasy. Guess what happens.

By the way none of the Christians knew anything about the things they were portraying. In the “occult” scene instead of having a pentagram, they had the Star of David. The guy who was ‘directing’ the rave scene had no idea about what the drugs were even named. How lame are you if you don’t even know what ecstasy is?

How are we supposed to take them seriously when they warn us about something, when they have no idea what that thing is? “Beware of tigers! I’ve heard that if they look at you, you turn to stone. And I think some of them can fly too!”

I want to have a Haunted House that warns you of the dangers of becoming a Christian: Beeeeewarre! If you go to church too often you will become so un-cool that you won’t even realize people are making a documentary about how lame you are!