The Brewster plan to save a nation

While republicans and democrats can't agree on the contents of a stimulus package, both sides want it to come about quickly, and more importantly, they hope the money distributed isn't saved, or used to replace other money that would have been spent. They want it in the economy immediately. FunBox has the solution: The Brewster's Millions Stimulus Package.

Remember Richard Pryor? That guy was awesome. And in 1985 he was in an awesome movie called Brewster's Millions. Basically, Brewster's long lost eccentric rich dude uncle dies. The will says Brewster has 30 days to spend $30 Million dollars. If successful, he'll inherit ten times the money.

So here's the deal. Let's take that $819 billion, divvy it up and give $1 million to 819,000 luck Brewster-Americans. Now there are a few conditions Brewster has to deal with and they'd also apply to our plan. Brewsters can't have new assets at the end of the month. This means they can' just buy cool shit and hang out with their stuff. They have to be out in society spending money! Injecting it into buisneses and individuals who'd likely respend it.

Brewsters can only solicit services and hire people offering actual value, and can't just give it away, gamble it, or buy things to destroy. That means no just laundering it through your friend, and no wasted materials.

So what does that mean? It means Party City USA! Brewster was a cool dude. He joins the mayoral election, throws killer champagne parties, and hires the Yankees to scrimmage his minor league team. For those of us unable to be brewsters ourselves we'll surly get to enjoy the fall out of all these parties, and all this good will going around.

A million for many, champign for all, and the greatest month of partying that this country has ever had. The Brewster Plan will not just entertain us, it'll save us.

Write to your congressman now.

Obama Wins, Small Talk Dies

Well, we did it America. We elected Obama President, but at what cost? For months now, all of us have depended on this election to provide ample conversation with coworkers, hair dressers, dentists, and the neighbor who you don't know his name but you always see him at the mailbox. Now its all over. Small talk has died.

At least if McCain had won, the bitching and moaning would have carried us through to Christmas. Now however, we are left with no choice but to talk about how inexpensive gas is and the terrible economy. That's just a recipe for awkward silence.

"Man, gas prices are so low."
" Yeah well, good thing, with the economy so bad."
"Yeah, my brother got laid off last week."
"Oh Really?"
"Yeah"
"..."
"See ya later."

How horrible is that? All we can do now is remember back to a simplier times when converstions went like this:
"Obama 08!"
"Woooooo!"
"Wooooo!"
"Woooooo!"
"Fuckin' Palin."

Barack Obama, “Don’t fuck this up for me America”

"I need you to not fuck this up America."

In a heartfelt address to supporters in Iowa yesterday, Senator Barack Obama urged Americans to “Not fuck this up for me.” He continued, “I believe we have a righteous wind at our backs and that people are ready for a change. It would be an immense tragedy if we were to fail because someone photo shopped a picture of me shaking hands with Osama Bin Laden or something.”

Obama elaborated on other possible scenarios that might cause him to lose the upcoming presidential race because of what he calls the politics of fear, “In the next few days you’ll probably hear some more wild allegations, like that I’m not technically an American citizen because I was born in Kenya, or that I slept with a prostitute during my senate term, or you’ll hear some Nostradamus quote like, oh I don’t know, ‘He will be of two races and will bring the great city in the west to ruin, consuming the land in fire.’”

At this last statement some members of the crowd clearly became agitated and Obama addressed them directly, “That’s not even a real quote! I made it up just now. See, this is what I’m talking about!” Obama urged his supporters to “Just do me a favor and Check out Snopes.com before you send an email to 100 of your friends with a header like ‘Obama = Antichrist?!?!?!’ Can you do that for me America? Can you be cool?”

Don’t Vote Please

I remember when my 3rd grade history teacher impressed on me the importance of voting. “It doesn’t matter what you vote for as long as you vote!” Now that I’m a little older, I see how very wrong she was.

I think both Republicans and Democrats can agree that it’s a mistake to “get out the vote.” Sure I like it now that it’s going well for the Democrats, but remember 2000 and 2004 when a whole lot of evangelicals suddenly decided that it was time to get politically involved? That sucked!

Don’t get me wrong I vote for anything. I voted for state controller John Chiang even though I was running against him! But that’s because I actually care about the issues. The last thing we need is a whole bunch of politically uneducated people making snap decisions in the voting booth.

Only vote if you are going to vote the way I do. If you are undecided, don’t vote, (you are clearly dumb). If you are an asshole, don’t vote. If you want a candidate you can have a beer with, don’t vote (same as the asshole one). Stop encouraging people to vote, unless you know beforehand that they are going to vote: Yes, no, no, yes, yes, Barack Obama.

Chiang 2012!

Holy Crazy!

This weekend I was starting to think the Presidential race was getting pretty crazy. I mean here you have one candidate who seems to be opening a gaping lead based on not taking an real positions regarding the fact that all of our money is melting and the guy has VP who only talks about moose, abortions, and how her opponent is a racist because he's black. Good job America.

Then my brother, Tim, sent me a copy of his Bonneville County sample ballot and I realized Idaho is even more America. And by America I mean crazy. Check out their candidates for Senate: Larocco...Marmon...Rammell...hey that's a cool name. What a second! Guy who used to be Marvin Richardson what happened? I know you didn't just change your name to take advantage of an incredibly conservative state and the fact that often times these ballots are hard to read. So what the hell makes a Marvin Richardson into a dude named Pro Life? It is a nickname? Do you get paid to be alive? Or did you just switch in high school because it was easier to fill out on the SATs? Anyway, sorry Tim's not voting for you. He met Larry LaRocco at Beerfest.

OMG LOL Hillary + Obama '08?

Inside this month's Voter Beat:

Shhhh! Can you keep a secret? Mike Huckabee can’t! He couldn’t wait to spill ALL of his love secrets to Voter Beat! Does Mike believe in love at first sight? What does he look for in a crush? Does his wife approve of his girlfriends? He answers all these burning questions and more in this month’s issue, and he's also signed a tank top for one lucky reader! Can you say Oh My(ike) Huckabee?

Ever wanted a chance to go behind scenes at with John McCain as he speaks at a Disabled American Veteran’s Hall? Look inside! One lucky reader will hit the campaign trail with John, where they’ll “get out the vote,” and get to make hundreds of phone calls every day! Plus John spills secrets about his experience in a Vietnamese POW camp, and tells us why his parents embarrass him! (Even though they’re long dead!)

How bout more cool prizes? Hillary Clinton signed a program from her Augsburg College debate with Barack Obama! Plus, I know you’ve definitely dreamed of being a superdelegate right? Well, then you’ll definitely want to enter our “Be a Superdelegate for a Day,” contest. One lucky reader will get to go to the national party convention of their choice and get the star treatment before they cast their vote for America’s future. Get all the deets on how to win in the magazine!

It’s no secret that Barack Obama is probably the most famous 40-something in Washington D.C. How does he stay grounded? How does he make time for his friends. Does he have any pets? These questions and more answered inside!

The Stars and Bars

The other day I saw a truck with a “God bless America bumper sticker” next to the Ol' Stars and Bars (the Confederate Flag) and I have to say it struck me a s a bit of an incongruity. “Hey what's the best country in the world? USA!... Hey, remember that time we almost stopped the USA from existing? That was great, we came so close!”

I'm sure we've all seen the Huckabee quote “We tell them 'you're going to tell us what to do with our flag? We'll tell you what to do with the pole.” Our flag? Our flag Huckabee?! Apparently Huckabee is still a confederate. Now I don't want this to come off as a standard Liberal screed against The South, I want this to come off as standard liberal screed about the confederate flag. I can already hear my southern friends “It's not about slavery, it's about State's rights.” Hmm... State's rights to do what exactly? To own fucking SLAVES that's what! Do you really think these people give a shit about federalism, or the supremacy clause? Whew.. got a little heated there... Ok.. ok...

Ok, let's see if I understand your position, guy who flies the Confederate flag, and please correct me if I'm wrong. You feel marginalized (and rightly so, the standard depiction of a white southerner is of an uneducated, racist, hayseed). You want something about The South that you can be proud of. What was something The South, and just The South, did particularly well? Kicking ass that's what! The Civil War! Of course! The South had fewer men and fewer resources, yet in battle after battle they managed to often route the superior numbers of the North. Ok? Do I grasp the gist of your position? You fought well? Southerners aren't Pussies; is that what you're saying? See if you can grasp the gist of my position. Do you see how maybe, oh I don't know, say black people for example, might be a little offended about a flag that represented keeping them as property? Do you see how, just maybe, Non-Southern Americans might be a bit peeved to think that you are still rooting for the violent overthrow of the Federal Govenrment? Can you agree that perhaps, just perhaps, It might offend Northerners to think that in your heart of hearts you wish you could have a DO-OVER OF THE BLOODIEST WAR IN AMERICAN HISTORY? Or do you still want to tell me where I can stick the pole?

Easy Listening The Vote: A Brief History

Easy Listening the Vote is a not for profit, non-partisan organization, founded in 1998 as a way to encourage participation in the political process among young people between the ages of 35 and 75. Easy Listening the Vote's mission is foster political awareness through use of The Beautiful Music, and artists such as Les Baxter, Gordon Lightfoot, and Dan Fogelberg.

1998: Easy Listening the Vote forms in response to the passage of SB 1455, a Senate Bill instituting a three day waiting period before citizens are able to purchase various light of tone instruments such as the lush strings and the Hammond Organ.

2000: Easy Listening the Vote registers over 435,000 new voters, and is credited with a inspiring a 20% increase in youth turnout among voters aged 35 to 75.

2001: Easy Listening the Vote creats and distributs over one million free copies of "Easy Listen the System: A Guide to Health Care for Young Americans Aged 35 to 75," a pamphlet on health issues affecting young people in the second and third quart century of their lives.

2004: Easy Listening the Vote takes to sea in the Mix 93 "Vote or Boat," schooner, and registers over 10,000 voters, many of whom are fishing or taking part in yacht racing.

2008: Politicians vie for invites to Easy Listening's November "The Soft Sounds of Election," concert, where Engelbert Humperdinck, Harry Connick Jr., and Barry Manilow are scheduled to appear.

Running for Office

Now, I know what you're thinking, why would someone as successful and good looking as me risk it all for a chance to become California's State Controller? Running for office is always risky, especially when you have to run against a strong incumbent like John Chiang. Is it because I have a strong sense of Civic Duty? Is it because I crave power, whatever the cost? Is it because I want to rule the eighth-largest economy in the world and make sure the state’s $100 billion budget is spent properly, while helping to administer more than $300 billion in state pension funds and serve on 76 state boards and commissions? No.

The answer is I want to kiss people's babies.

Plump babies, skinny babies, cute babies, babies with Reye's syndrome, all of them! I can't help myself. At first I tried paying for it, but people seem to be less willing to accept the standard "kiss your baby for money" deal. That's when the idea struck me. Who gets to kiss all the babies they want? People running for State Controller. Vote for me.

FunBox taps its foot for Senator Craig.

FunBox is proud to stand with Senator Craig under this barrage of homoerotic accusations. For those of us who know Senator Larry Craig, this is not an issue of sexuality, but rather a condemnation of his use of an extra wide stance in the bathroom. We are confident that his foot was not in the adjacent stall as way to solicit man on man toilet sex, but rather to gain the extra leverage he needed to expel his Bms. If you've ever seen Larry in the Senate commissary, you'll know he doesn't eat enough roughage. It's all beef for Larry. He just gobbles down the sausages. He's even got a nickname. Everyone in the Senate calls him 'The Sausage Gobbler.' Or at least the pages do. Probably cause of an inside joke or something….

the great debates of ’08...er ’07 for now i guess

Yesterday we were watching the Republican Debates trying to write jokes about those silly politicians. Holy crap though silly politicians, it sure is hard when you say stuff way eviler than what can even be made up! Representative Tom Tancredo, I'm looking at you the most for this one. That whole thing about defending your idea to get back at terrorists by bombing Mecca? What the Fuck? How could we possibly come up with something even more evil-diculous? Well trust me, we tried.

First it was like "Hey maybe we could say, if too many asteroids come close we'll blow up the moon." It's got a lot going for it. I mean the explosion would probably break the moon up into lots of other angry asteroids ready to strike us despite having wanted to do nothing but be a big ol' glowin' moon beforehand. So that's good. The problem though, is the moon's far away and there's no people on it. I mean it was want to come up with a ridiculous idea, it's got to involve innocent people, not just innocent moons!

Then we were like "Hey, I know, how bout something preemptive" Everyone loves preemptive. And "there's lots of people in Los Angeles what if they attacked Los Angeles?" Since they'd probably have to be a sleeper cell in LA to attack it (like how they did on that show Sleeper Cell) they might live here already. Sleeper Cells get thirsty so Paul suggested we poison the city's water supply. Willie agreed. "It'll kill lots of other people too. Totally ridiculous. Totally evil." Then Matt chimed in saying "if terrorists had bottled water they might not need to get thirsty." Damn! "Or camels," Paul further added. Because he seemed to recall that "most terrorists carry their water in camels, which seems like a fact that would make them easier to spot but instead nope." So that plan was off.

We sat around tossing more ideas, but no one really knew where to get a Death Star, and then the conversation just degraded to us taking turns suggesting we "wreak havoc," with any noun we thought of and then then word "diabolical" placed in front of it. We didn't know most of the things would work though so that was a problem. I mean, "diabolical magnets," and "diabolical oatmeal," sounded pretty darn evil, but their uses were unclear.

Anyway, we gave up on being more evil than the republicans and instead helped write some youtube shorts that'll start airing in a day or so. We'll let you know when they're up. In the meantime, have a good one America, and stay diabolical!