Gartock: Business Warrior

Deep in the bowels of Well's Fargo's Pasadena Branch Gartock attempts to obtain a job.

Gartock: Well...I can type faster than a bear.

Carl Peters Branch VP: Right...we don't have many bears in the office...can you give me a number of words per minute on that?

Gartock: I file like an eagle!


Carl: Again...no eagles here.

Later...Gartock tries a different tactic.

Gartock: I swear upon my father's blood to obey this covenant.

Carl: That's great but you still don't have collateral

Gartock: What if you sold the blood to a research lab who needed it for plasma?
Carl: I'm sorry but it wouldn't suffice as collateral for the $14000 you're trying to borrow to open an appliance shop.

Gartock: I've had a difficult time repurposing myself to fit this economy.

The Brewster plan to save a nation

While republicans and democrats can't agree on the contents of a stimulus package, both sides want it to come about quickly, and more importantly, they hope the money distributed isn't saved, or used to replace other money that would have been spent. They want it in the economy immediately. FunBox has the solution: The Brewster's Millions Stimulus Package.

Remember Richard Pryor? That guy was awesome. And in 1985 he was in an awesome movie called Brewster's Millions. Basically, Brewster's long lost eccentric rich dude uncle dies. The will says Brewster has 30 days to spend $30 Million dollars. If successful, he'll inherit ten times the money.

So here's the deal. Let's take that $819 billion, divvy it up and give $1 million to 819,000 luck Brewster-Americans. Now there are a few conditions Brewster has to deal with and they'd also apply to our plan. Brewsters can't have new assets at the end of the month. This means they can' just buy cool shit and hang out with their stuff. They have to be out in society spending money! Injecting it into buisneses and individuals who'd likely respend it.

Brewsters can only solicit services and hire people offering actual value, and can't just give it away, gamble it, or buy things to destroy. That means no just laundering it through your friend, and no wasted materials.

So what does that mean? It means Party City USA! Brewster was a cool dude. He joins the mayoral election, throws killer champagne parties, and hires the Yankees to scrimmage his minor league team. For those of us unable to be brewsters ourselves we'll surly get to enjoy the fall out of all these parties, and all this good will going around.

A million for many, champign for all, and the greatest month of partying that this country has ever had. The Brewster Plan will not just entertain us, it'll save us.

Write to your congressman now.

You Broke It, You Fix It

So my crude understanding of economics is if everyone thinks we are doing o.k. then people will give you money and we all get rich. So it really doesn't seem like that much of shock that now that people are worried that the economy is doing bad it's doing bad. If only there was someway to boost confidence in the market....

Oh I know! How 'bout the president gives a speech and says, "Our entire economy is in danger." This seems to be the equivalant of Chicken Little running around and yelling "the sky is falling!" and then when you stop to look up he kicks you in the balls and runs away. I mean in the end sure the sky may be actually falling, but as you lay on the ground holding a wounded junk pile you would probably wonder if there was a more calm way to handle the problem.

I have to admit though that I am very tempted to side on the "Wall Street should suffer for their mistakes" side of the debate, but in the end were all in the same car. Sure the driver shouldn't have been drinking, but your not going to let him drive off the cliff just to teach him a lesson (Plus we shouldn't have gotten into the car in the first place (the car is foreign oil).).

Thanks for listening to my economic metaphors that rely heavily on violence.

Super Mansion Wish List

With the Internet these days, it’s a safe bet we’re all soon be super rich. Why? Because the Internet creates wealth without us having to worry about things like the economy. That’s why it’s important to all of us to start planning what will be in our super mansions. Below is the FunBox list. What is yours?

FunBox Super Mansion Needs List
(may also serve as FunBox's Birthday Wish List)

Trampoline Room – The floor is made entirely of trampoline. Good for moon walk simulations, children’s birthday parties, and courting Romanian gymnast neighbors.

Tunnel System – Mainly a safety precaution. Useful in staging a guerilla campaign should the super mansion’s security be compromised.

Room For Pillow Choosing – 47 different varieties of pillows, many Swedish and so comfortable as to be illegal in the States.

Laser Gun - Cause we don't believe in regular guns.

Sharkquarium – Giant and steel-reinforced. Shaped like a goldfish bowl for kitsch reasons.

Urinal Room - Pee on anything you like without the guilt. Sorry ladies, dudes only!

Blimp Garage – We may be rich but there’s nothing more annoying than paying local blimp parking fees.

Mountainous Terrain – Self-explanatory.

Ice Cream Room – Fully refrigerated room, filled entirely with ice cream “snow”. Guests wear clean suits like those ones those multi-colored dance-y guys had in the old Intel commercials, upon entrance they can use their favorite flavors to make an ice cream man, ice cream angels, or simply have an ice cream fight. Remember not to pack your ice cream balls with toffee or peanuts though: you’ll put an eye out.

Pre-Installed Time Travel Conduits - So we don't have to go through installation when the technology is developed.