Why Do We Drive Our Flying Cars in Lanes?

Traffic Lights? We don't need no stinking traffic lights!

Everyone does this! Furturama, the Star Wars prequels, even Back to the Future!

If your Sci-Fi has flying cars, chances are they will all fly in lanes just like their modern day counterparts, despite the fact that they can, you know, fly!

I can understand having roads and lanes when you can only travel in 2 dimensions and there are big things like buildings around but every time I see “Gridlock in Space” I start shouting “Just go around!”

Is this just me? Am I missing something?

Nothing Vomits in D&D

"Foolish mortals soon my pow- BLEAAAARRGGG! Oh god. I shouldn't fly after eating so many maidens"

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons for quite a while now and I’ve noticed something strange. Nothing ever vomits in D&D. Ever!

I first noticed this when I was reading the entry for the purple worm. In case you’re lame and don’t play RPGs, a purple worm is a giant purple… well worm. One of the most awful things it can do to you is swallow you whole.

Here’s part of the description of the Purple worm’s “Swallow whole ability”

“Swallow Whole: A purple worm can try to swallow a grabbed opponent of a smaller size than itself by making a successful grapple check… A swallowed creature can cut its way out by using a light slashing or piercing weapon… Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.” (Emphasis mine)

Ok so that’s weird. When you get swallowed by the giant worm you can stab at its throat and instead of vomiting you out it lets you slice through its body and then some mysterious ‘muscular action’ will close the hole. But, you know what it’s a giant worm there’s a lot of weird biology for a giant worm maybe it’s different for other creatures that eat you.

Giant shark:

“… the shark’s digestive tract (AC 13). Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.”

T-rex:

“…Tyrannosaurus’s gizzard. A swallowed creature can cut its way … Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole…”

NOTHING EVER VOMITS! Is vomiting somehow obscene? If so why is slashing your way out of a creature’s throat less obscene?

Now I know some readers out there are going to mention how nothing ever goes to the bathroom or reproduces either, but there are no “poop attacks.” If you are going to have rules for swallowing things whole, why give every single creature that can do that a magical self sealing throat as well?

Incidentally if you look up the condition “Nauseated” there is no mention of vomit.

Dungeon Crawl!

DM: You come to a clearing in the forest; ahead of you see the castle of Jörmung, it is surrounded by a moat. The old ruin is foreboding.

Elf: Hmm, I check around to see if there is any way across the moat.

DM: The moat surrounds the castle completely.

Wizard: Is there a drawbridge?

DM: Yes, it is ancient and rotten.

Wizard: Do I see any way to bring down the drawbridge?

DM: (rolls some dice) …No.

Fighter: Let's Swim across!

Everyone else but DM: NO!

Elf: Have you never played these games before? Jeeze!

Wizard: I say we wait until nightfall, then the elf can use her bow to shoot an arrow with a rope around it in through a window, or something.

General agreement.

Wizard: We all rest until nightfall. Fighter, you stand guard.

Fighter: I still don't see why we just don't swim across…

DM: Night falls in the cursed woods. You hear the distant howling of a wolf.

Fighter: While they are resting... I pee in the moat.

Everyone else but DM: WHAT?! NO! What's wrong with you?

DM: No, you're all resting, remember? You can't stop him.

Fighter: No wait! I mean- I don't pee in the moat!

DM: Too late! A huge water elemental rises from the moat! A swirling vortex of frothing foamy surge rises to its full height and barrels down on you!

Water Elemental: HOW DARE YOU DEFILE ME! YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE WITH YOUR LIFE MORTAL!

DM: (Rolls some dice) Ok Fighter is unconscious and drowning inside the water elemental.

Wizard: Are we awake yet?

DM: Yes, the water elemental is very loud.

Wizard: I cast fireball!

DM: The water elemental roars in pain. Inside the water elemental you can see the unconscious Fighter being scalded by the boiling water.

Wizard: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

Elf: (rolls dice) I fire my +3 arrows at it!

DM: You want to fire your bow at the creature, made out of liquid, that has your friend inside?

Elf: umm…

DM: (Rolls dice) One of your arrows hits the scalded, unconscious, fighter.

Elf: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

DM: The water elemental surges forward, (Rolls dice). Elf in now engulfed inside the water elemental, next to the bleeding, scalded, unconscious, fighter. The Water elemental turns toward Wizard.

Elf: Blurbble! Blubble!

Wizard: Um, hmm. I have a wand of lightning, no that's no good. A wand of cold…Aha! My wand of teleportation! I zap it at the Water elemental!

DM: With a flash of Mystic energy, the water elemental disappears with your friends still swirling about inside of it.

Wizard: Crap.

Wizard: I zap the wand at myself.

DM: You are mystically transported (rolls dice) Back to the town!

Wizard: Sweet! I head over to the blacksmith's!

Online Dating Tips

Nowadays, thanks to the internet, it’s easier than ever to date. Gone are the days of only meeting people in your immediate circle of friends and the grotesque spectacle of nightclubs and bars, you may now specify your ideal mate and search through thousands of people that might be looking for you. Here are some tips to maximize your experience.

1: Be sure to know as much as possible about your astrological ‘sign’
Know what kinds of other signs work with yours and what kinds don’t. It is of the utmost importance that you arbitrarily narrow the playing field. While on a date be sure to mention how compatible your 2 signs are, and say things like, “It’s so like a Taurus to not believe in astrology.” Many websites will not even allow you to leave this section blank, so it’s best to be on board; recognizing this as an outdated superstition will only hurt your chances.

2: Only use extreme close-ups or photoshopped images
Appearance is important so it’s best if you try to hide yours, after all if you were attractive you wouldn’t be on a dating website. Another good strategy is to use a picture that is wildly out of date or that has multiple people in it. Are you the hot guy in a tight shirt catching the Frizbee or the troll who is throwing it? Women should also use pictures of themselves with former boyfriends (it shows you can be in a relationship).

3: Mention how you “Hate Games”
Ladies, don’t you hate games? Tell people how much you hate games so they will know how much you hate games.

4: It doesn’t have to be about dating
A lot of women go on dating websites just to meet friends, but don’t spoil a perfectly good evening by mentioning this to your date. Wait until the night is over then, as he leans in to kiss you, mention that you “have a boyfriend.”

5: Meet in a safe place
Like your/their apartment.

Good Luck!

Is Anyone Else Just Pretending to Like Dune?

I felt really bad about not having read Dune until late in my Sci-Fi career. Everyone I talked to about Sci-Fi acted like Dune was Christ on wheels. It won the Hugo and the Nebula awards and had all those sequels. I mean Dune had to be good right? Right?!

No, not really.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is mystified by Dune’s appeal. I asked my roommate about it. “Dune, isn’t that the one where they drink their pee?” Yes… yes it is. The whole time I was reading it I just couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible the inside of those Stillsuits must smell. I mean, just imagine, water is so scarce that you wear a suit specifically designed to recapture every iota of water that your body exudes, filter it, and pump it back up into your mouth with a hose. And you’re telling me it won’t stink like the back of a fat guy’s knee? You’re supposed to wear this thing until you die right? It’s hard for me to sympathize with a hero who I imagine smells like the inside of a rented wetsuit, and then drinks that sweat. Gug, do they even bother to cool it down, or do they just drink it warm? I’m literally gagging as I type this.

Oh, and spoiler alert. The reason there is so little water? It’s toxic to the Sandworms. What? The water is Toxic? How can water be toxic, it’s water?! Your one chance to do some actual writing about science in the whole novel and you blew it Frank Herbert. You blew it.

Now I know that it’s over 4 decades old, but I still find it a little offensive that the powerful Bene Gesserit witch women positively cream themselves at the thought of bringing a male into their order. “Oh if only a man could learn our ways he would truly be the Messiah!”*

Stay tuned for my reviews of all the sequels!

*Not a real quote.

Spring Means Baseball...

And baseball means fantasy baseball...

Here's FunBox's 2008 fantasy baseball team, Complete with defensive alignments: