Romantic gift dilemmas

This weekend, I was all set to buy my girlfriend a romantic gift but had trouble deciding. She loves chocolates, but then it occurred to me that it's a very fatty desert, and would only contribute to her chances of dying of heart disease. The roses seemed just as bad when I realized it was pretty much saying "hey look, you're special enough that I ripped something delicate from the ground. Hang on to it till it dies much sooner than it would have otherwise."
Jewelry would have been an option but "oh yeah: Blood Diamond."

Apparently, the fastest way to romance is to give a gift that involves destroying something beautiful. If we're killing things for love, why don't we just give our significant others those big mounted moose heads? Or hand 'em a baby that we poached by knocking it off with a bottle of ether? It's like what kind of miracle can I kill to show my girlfriend I care? "Hey hun, I love you here's unicorn blood, you want me to put it over your door or what?"

Call me a romantic, but next Valentine's day I'm planning to light a bald eagle's nest on fire, and when we get married I'm destroying an entire civilization's library of poetry.

Thoughts on the Big Move...

Ever think that life and work were just too stressful? I did. That's why I recently quit my job and moved in with my girlfriend. Some people may find it odd that my plan to resolve stress was become unemployed and then begin living with a chick I've only known for like six months, but keep in mind, we're in love and she has DirecTV

So lately I'd been going through all my stuff and throwing most of it away. Looking back, it's nice to know I spent the past five years living with what I decided this week was mostly garbage. To be fair though, anything can be justified as garbage when the alternative is having to haul it. "Wait, I either pick this up, take it to a car, take it out of the car, and then figure out a new place of it to go, or I can just put it in this brown plastic bag?" " Bye box of pictures of life changing events in my personal history. Sorry, that's just too much carrying!" Actually it's a good thing I don't have a baby or any caged pets. My new place is on the second floor, and I hate carrying things up steps.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm now living stress free and unemployed with a blonde-haired woman I recently met, and the only possessions I still own are a couple of shirts and a filing cabinet. I wish some of my old pants fit in that cabinet.

Things Overheard at a Student Art Show

All of the following are real conversations faithfully transcribed.

Please to enjoy:

Stomach

Guy with a Fauxhawk: Next time though, I really want to make it more shocking.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: Well we could always do "Stomach."

Guy with an ironic shirt: What's 'Stomach?'

Guy with a Fauxhawk: That's the one where we use that cement tubing, paint it pink, drill holes in it and lead everyone into a central chamber. And wait until someone realizes that it's a model of a human stomach. As soon as someone says the word 'stomach' we spray water through the holes at them.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: With acid.

Guy with a Fauxhawk: Yeah there's a lot of acid in the water.

Guy with an ironic shirt: And then what happens?

Guy with a Fauxhawk: We go to jail probably.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: It's part of the piece.

Guy with an ionic shirt: I love it.

You've never heard of The Cremaster Cycle?

Boyfriend: This one reminds me of The Cremaster Cycle.

Way cute Girlfriend: Hmm?

Other Girl: I know right? Its like, 'Ok, we get it, you like Matthew Barney.'

Boyfriend: Ha ha. I saw a huge exhibit on that at the Guggenheim actually. It was pretty great. I didn't know it was about testicles though, until I'd been there for about an hour and a half.

Other Girl: Ha ha! It's all about balls dude!

Way cute Girlfriend: What are you guys talking about?

Other Girl: Did you know he's like practically married to Bjork?

Boyfriend: I thought they just lived together.

Other girl: They have a kid I think.

Way cute Girlfriend: Wait, go back, what is this?

Boyfriend: I'm breaking up with you.

An 'A' For Effort

Probably a Teacher: It's too bad we weren't able to get it to spin.

Female Student: I'm surprised how many people were upset by it. It's totally tongue in cheek.

Probably a Teacher: Controversy is good. Controversy sells.

Female student: I guess…Have you ever seen Deepthroat?

Probably a Teacher: You don't want to call something 'beauty, that's a 4 letter word around here- The Watergate thing or the porno?

Female student: Either.

Things I do to my Girlfriend that I think are Funny but that She Finds Hurtful

1. Gently whispering in her ear, “You know who I love? I’ll give you a hint her name starts with a ‘Y’ and ends with an ‘ou’… That’s right Yoko Takahashou, the Japanese Artist, she’s really, really good.”

2. Pretending to forget her birthday, by throwing her a huge surprise party several months before her actual birthday.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night sobbing and when she asks, “What’s wrong” saying, “I just had this horrible nightmare, we were married and had kids and were spending our lives together.” Then trying to make out with her.

4. Spending a really long time looking at, and gently touching, Male mannequins.

5. Playing house with Susie Milksberg, but when my girlfriend comes over, only wanting to play transformers.

6. Saying, “Maybe we should just snuggle tonight.” And then when we’re spooning start to dry-hump and, when she responds positively, saying “Why is it always about sex with you!”

7. When we’re playing Risk saying, “Ok you can take South America!” but then leaving 4 armies in Venezuela that I’ll never use.

7. Faking a pregnancy.

8. Asking her if she ever “just tried not being a robot, just to see how it felt.”

9. Mis-numbering things.

10. Buying her a power tool as a gift and then when she tries to give it to me saying, “No, that’s a girl’s drill.”

And finally,

11. Asking “Who needs a hug?” and then giving her a hug.

Gynoid

Some of you might remember that I work in an office with all robots.

Remember?

About 6 months ago I started dating the receptionist. It’s kind of a cute story how we started dating. I mentioned how it was great that they were finally hiring Androids, “It’s good to see a friendly face, or you know even a face at all!” but instead of taking the complement she got really mad, “I’m a gynoid, not an android! Do I look like I was designed to simulate male appearance and behavior to you?” So the next day to apologize I sent her a card saying, “As a human male I can clearly see that you are feminine.” And she sent me a text saying “I accept your offer of courtship.”

That wasn’t really what I meant by the card, but I figured it was worth a shot, after all it wasn’t like I was having much luck with the human females. Our first date went rather awkwardly, I asked if she wanted to go see a movie only to find out that she’s bolted to the floor. She seemed kind of embarrassed about it but I told her I thought it was sexy. I just waited till the office closed and brought some DVD’s to watch on my laptop (and a Chess set but a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell). Things heated up pretty quickly from there and pretty soon we were sending each other little love notes and NP -complete problems to solve. For our 1 month anniversary I bought her one of those super powerful drills and a battery pack and she said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.

Our relationship has had its rough spots, one time she called me at 4:00AM. “I had the most horrible nightmare, I dreamt that our relationship was equal to the sum of a five digit prime and a perfect cube.” When I asked which of us was the five digit prime she said I was “insensitive.” We made up though and now we have a good hearty laugh whenever I say things like, “Well at least we’re not equal to 75,228.”

I know what you’re thinking, and a lot of my friends have told me that this relationship is doomed but, I still think it’s possible for an office romance to work.

Things we learned while filming a road trip sketch this weekend

A good way to find gorgeous scenery is to look near signs that say "danger rock slides".

When filming a scene where a driver's eyes aren't on the road, the script may call for other riders to feign fear, but often it is very real.

When planning to drive up and down mountains for several hours, consider getting gas first.

A roadside stop suitable for an actor to pretend to pee, isn't necessarily a good place to ACTUALLY pee.

Girlfriends, who haul everyone there in their own car, consent to be filmed in ridiculous costume, or allow you to use their fancy video camera in the rain probably deserve really nice Valentine's presents next year.

Motorcycles tend to ruin audio levels.

No matter how much of a go getter you feel like for waking up early, there's always some asshole already jogging in the mountains.