Enemy Mode

Screw it, I’m gonna go backwards!

Hey kids! Are you playing a game that all of a sudden you’ve stopped enjoying? Don’t quit, instead just go into Enemy Mode! What’s Enemy Mode you ask? Enemy Mode is where you continue to play and abide by the rules, while still trying to ruin it for everybody.

Playing Mario Kart and you’re way behind? Simply go into Enemy Mode and run the race backwards! You’re sure to be an obstacle and annoyance for everyone!

Poker night and all of a sudden you just ‘don’t feel like playing anymore’? Don’t politely collect your chips and leave the table! That’s the Adult thing to do. Instead switch to Enemy Mode! Make wild bets, tell some players what cards you have and not others, go all-in every hand! As long as you don’t technically break any of the rules you’re in Enemy Mode!

Playing Risk and you realize you’re probably not going to win? Instead of trying your best and playing the game as it’s meant to be played, ally yourself with another player (particularly if it’s a significant other) and try to end the game as quickly as possible by letting them eliminate you! Not only will you be able to end this game quickly, Enemy Mode assures that you probably won’t be asked to play again!

P.S. Sometimes Enemy Mode is actually awesome.

Anti-American Hockey

"Umm, why have they started playing?"

About a week ago I went to my second Hockey game ever. I was excited, no so much for the hockey game, but because I wanted to sing the national anthem. I’d been practicing you see, and I was ready to impress all my friends with my rich Bass voice and ability to harmonize (The fact that singing was the thing I was most excited about might clue you in to why I don’t attend many sporting events).

Like many Democrats, I’ve learned that patriotism isn’t just for the Right anymore. I, along with my fellow liberals, am starting to get over the uncomfortable feelings associated with a shitload of American flags, a giant bald eagle, or a bunch of drunks chanting “USA! USA!” Now I chant right along (semi-ironically of course).

However, after the game started I noticed something odd. I hadn’t gotten the chance to sing the national anthem. “No wait that can’t be right” I thought. I distinctly remembered everyone standing; some with their hands on their hearts, while a little blonde girl sang something. “No, that was God Bless America” I corrected myself “God Bless America is not the national anthem.”

Dear readers, I don’t attend a lot of sporting events, so you are going to have to help me out; do they only sing the national anthem at Baseball games? Did I show up late and miss something? Has God bless America become the new national anthem, or can I go back to feeling unpatriotic?

Hello I am a Cute College Girl Checking my Myspace!

Hello I am a cute college girl checking my Myspace! Please click on me because I am totally real. You can tell I am real because I am not so super hot as to clearly be an advertisement, yet still cute enough to grab your total attention.

Oh, ha ha ha! Something I read on screen made me laugh!

I’ll grip this pillow tightly. Is it because I am cold? Or am I lonely? Either way if you were my real boyfriend you would keep me warm. It’s a real possibility that you would become my boyfriend if you clicked on me.

Don’t I seem fun? Remember when I laughed? I clearly must have a good sense of humor. Look! Below me there is what appears to be a chat screen.

I am typing messages to you!

Why are you not responding? If you don’t click on me how will we ever meet and fall in love?

NO! Don’t check your messages! If you don’t click on me now then when you come back to your home screen I won’t be here any more! I’ll be replaced by ducks with targets on them or an opportunity to get in a boxing match with President Bush! All I ever did was yearn for you! How can you betray me like this?

Hello I am a cute college girl checking my Myspace! Please click on me because I am totally real... WIN AN X-BOX 360!

Things I do to my Girlfriend that I think are Funny but that She Finds Hurtful

1. Gently whispering in her ear, “You know who I love? I’ll give you a hint her name starts with a ‘Y’ and ends with an ‘ou’… That’s right Yoko Takahashou, the Japanese Artist, she’s really, really good.”

2. Pretending to forget her birthday, by throwing her a huge surprise party several months before her actual birthday.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night sobbing and when she asks, “What’s wrong” saying, “I just had this horrible nightmare, we were married and had kids and were spending our lives together.” Then trying to make out with her.

4. Spending a really long time looking at, and gently touching, Male mannequins.

5. Playing house with Susie Milksberg, but when my girlfriend comes over, only wanting to play transformers.

6. Saying, “Maybe we should just snuggle tonight.” And then when we’re spooning start to dry-hump and, when she responds positively, saying “Why is it always about sex with you!”

7. When we’re playing Risk saying, “Ok you can take South America!” but then leaving 4 armies in Venezuela that I’ll never use.

7. Faking a pregnancy.

8. Asking her if she ever “just tried not being a robot, just to see how it felt.”

9. Mis-numbering things.

10. Buying her a power tool as a gift and then when she tries to give it to me saying, “No, that’s a girl’s drill.”

And finally,

11. Asking “Who needs a hug?” and then giving her a hug.

The Ultimate Weapon

I remember I was playing Risk with a girl who had never played before and we were talking about alliances.

“It's pretty simple,” my friend Jake was explaining, “let's say you and I both know that Chris is going to win unless we work together, we agree not to attack one another for the next two turns so that we keep him from winning.”

Then she asked a simple question, a question that on the face of it seemed perfectly innocent, but it would in fact destroy our entire concept of reality, “What happens if I don't? I mean what if I say I won't attack you, but then I do anyway? And take your cards? What happens then?”

For a few moments there was silence. None of us had ever dreampt such a thing was possible. It was as if, while we were fighting each other each trying to see how we could take over Australia, her secret team of scientists had invented Plutonium. “I- I- guess nothing... I mean there's nothing in the rules.” I tried to chime in, for I had a vision of the horror that was to come “It's kind of unsportsmanlike... I mean we probably won't want to play Risk with you again.”

She was unmoved “Oooh, you mean you won't make me play this boring-three-hour-long-game with you guys again?! Ooooh nooo what a tragedy- I'm attacking Siam.”

And just like that, the first treaty was broken. The face of warfare was forever altered (in Risk) all our old strategies were obsolete (in Risk) and the valor of the glory days was lost to the pages of history (in Risk).

Long story short, she totally won.