Prime Time Twister

The world of prime time television game shows is about to be rocked. I had the greatest idea ever.

PRIME TIME TWISTER!



You get ten strangers and you make them play Twister. Of course they would all have engrossing back stories.

"Meet Tim Parthon. He carves boats out of recycled materials and gives them to kids with cancer."

"This is Jenny Henderson. She has tasted over 100 different kinds of potato chips! When shes not busy reading, she helps kids with cancer."

"Say hi to Mercedes Carson. Mercedes lost her home in a hurricane and hopes to use the winnings of the show to help kids with cancer."

And then they would, you know, twister. Right Blue. Left Hand Green. All that stuff.

The twister board would be all digital with light up pads and complicated sensors that will sound if anyone touches illegally.

Their could even be the "Twister Titans." A group of perfessional gymnasts and circus performers with names like Bendorina and Twistor who would compete in the final ultimate twister round.

oh man. Twister!

Enemy Mode

Screw it, I’m gonna go backwards!

Hey kids! Are you playing a game that all of a sudden you’ve stopped enjoying? Don’t quit, instead just go into Enemy Mode! What’s Enemy Mode you ask? Enemy Mode is where you continue to play and abide by the rules, while still trying to ruin it for everybody.

Playing Mario Kart and you’re way behind? Simply go into Enemy Mode and run the race backwards! You’re sure to be an obstacle and annoyance for everyone!

Poker night and all of a sudden you just ‘don’t feel like playing anymore’? Don’t politely collect your chips and leave the table! That’s the Adult thing to do. Instead switch to Enemy Mode! Make wild bets, tell some players what cards you have and not others, go all-in every hand! As long as you don’t technically break any of the rules you’re in Enemy Mode!

Playing Risk and you realize you’re probably not going to win? Instead of trying your best and playing the game as it’s meant to be played, ally yourself with another player (particularly if it’s a significant other) and try to end the game as quickly as possible by letting them eliminate you! Not only will you be able to end this game quickly, Enemy Mode assures that you probably won’t be asked to play again!

P.S. Sometimes Enemy Mode is actually awesome.

Nothing Vomits in D&D

"Foolish mortals soon my pow- BLEAAAARRGGG! Oh god. I shouldn't fly after eating so many maidens"

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons for quite a while now and I’ve noticed something strange. Nothing ever vomits in D&D. Ever!

I first noticed this when I was reading the entry for the purple worm. In case you’re lame and don’t play RPGs, a purple worm is a giant purple… well worm. One of the most awful things it can do to you is swallow you whole.

Here’s part of the description of the Purple worm’s “Swallow whole ability”

“Swallow Whole: A purple worm can try to swallow a grabbed opponent of a smaller size than itself by making a successful grapple check… A swallowed creature can cut its way out by using a light slashing or piercing weapon… Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.” (Emphasis mine)

Ok so that’s weird. When you get swallowed by the giant worm you can stab at its throat and instead of vomiting you out it lets you slice through its body and then some mysterious ‘muscular action’ will close the hole. But, you know what it’s a giant worm there’s a lot of weird biology for a giant worm maybe it’s different for other creatures that eat you.

Giant shark:

“… the shark’s digestive tract (AC 13). Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.”

T-rex:

“…Tyrannosaurus’s gizzard. A swallowed creature can cut its way … Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole…”

NOTHING EVER VOMITS! Is vomiting somehow obscene? If so why is slashing your way out of a creature’s throat less obscene?

Now I know some readers out there are going to mention how nothing ever goes to the bathroom or reproduces either, but there are no “poop attacks.” If you are going to have rules for swallowing things whole, why give every single creature that can do that a magical self sealing throat as well?

Incidentally if you look up the condition “Nauseated” there is no mention of vomit.

Dungeon Crawl!

DM: You come to a clearing in the forest; ahead of you see the castle of Jörmung, it is surrounded by a moat. The old ruin is foreboding.

Elf: Hmm, I check around to see if there is any way across the moat.

DM: The moat surrounds the castle completely.

Wizard: Is there a drawbridge?

DM: Yes, it is ancient and rotten.

Wizard: Do I see any way to bring down the drawbridge?

DM: (rolls some dice) …No.

Fighter: Let's Swim across!

Everyone else but DM: NO!

Elf: Have you never played these games before? Jeeze!

Wizard: I say we wait until nightfall, then the elf can use her bow to shoot an arrow with a rope around it in through a window, or something.

General agreement.

Wizard: We all rest until nightfall. Fighter, you stand guard.

Fighter: I still don't see why we just don't swim across…

DM: Night falls in the cursed woods. You hear the distant howling of a wolf.

Fighter: While they are resting... I pee in the moat.

Everyone else but DM: WHAT?! NO! What's wrong with you?

DM: No, you're all resting, remember? You can't stop him.

Fighter: No wait! I mean- I don't pee in the moat!

DM: Too late! A huge water elemental rises from the moat! A swirling vortex of frothing foamy surge rises to its full height and barrels down on you!

Water Elemental: HOW DARE YOU DEFILE ME! YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE WITH YOUR LIFE MORTAL!

DM: (Rolls some dice) Ok Fighter is unconscious and drowning inside the water elemental.

Wizard: Are we awake yet?

DM: Yes, the water elemental is very loud.

Wizard: I cast fireball!

DM: The water elemental roars in pain. Inside the water elemental you can see the unconscious Fighter being scalded by the boiling water.

Wizard: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

Elf: (rolls dice) I fire my +3 arrows at it!

DM: You want to fire your bow at the creature, made out of liquid, that has your friend inside?

Elf: umm…

DM: (Rolls dice) One of your arrows hits the scalded, unconscious, fighter.

Elf: (Sharp inhale through teeth) Sorry.

DM: The water elemental surges forward, (Rolls dice). Elf in now engulfed inside the water elemental, next to the bleeding, scalded, unconscious, fighter. The Water elemental turns toward Wizard.

Elf: Blurbble! Blubble!

Wizard: Um, hmm. I have a wand of lightning, no that's no good. A wand of cold…Aha! My wand of teleportation! I zap it at the Water elemental!

DM: With a flash of Mystic energy, the water elemental disappears with your friends still swirling about inside of it.

Wizard: Crap.

Wizard: I zap the wand at myself.

DM: You are mystically transported (rolls dice) Back to the town!

Wizard: Sweet! I head over to the blacksmith's!

Would you Rather

So I saw a board game today that was based on the idea that asking people ‘would you rather’ questions is fun. I can get behind that. Nothing entertains like hypotheticals, but the ones they showed on the box all ran along the lines of ‘Would you rather fart during a job interview or on a first date?’ or ‘Would you rather do something homosexual or kill yourself?’ Not really the stuff of legends. I decided to provide you with some of my own to help spice up your next party.

Would you rather catch your father masturbating to a picture of you or have your mother catch your significant other pooping on your face?

Would you rather blind a deaf person or cut off a one armed man’s remaining arm?

Would you rather tell your significant other that you have herpes or tell your boss that you will murder his family if he ever fires you?

Would you rather have a side salad or a cup of soup?

Would you rather know what day you’re going to die or what your best haircut would be?

Make sure to tell us what your answer would be.