Friday, January 23, 2009

Robot Clichés

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What is this "love"?


Tow-Headed kid: Wowee! A real life robot!

Cute Freckled Girl: What’s your name robot?

Robot: Do-Not-Have-Name.

Gap-toothed Child: Gee wiz! You don’t even have a name?

Tow-Headed kid: That’s Ok, we’ll give you a name… How about Robbie? Robbie the Robot.

Robot: Name-is-Robbie?

Cute Freckled Girl: It sure is! We love you Robbie!

Robot: What-is-this-love?

Gap-toothed Child: Gee wiz! You don’t even know what love is?

Cute Freckled Girl: Love is what you feel in your heart with people who care about you you.

Robot: Love-is-in-heart?

Tow-Headed kid: That’s right Robbie!

Robbie puts his fist through Tow-Headed kid’s chest.

Robot: Must-acquire-love.

Tow-Headed kid: Urk!

Gap-toothed Child: Jesus Christ!

Robot: (crushes the still beating heart in its hand) Feel-love-in-heart.

Cute Freckled Girl: Oh God no!

Robbie is to fast for them. They are quickly vaporized.

Robot: Must destroy human masters!

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

There are Only 2 Kinds of Robots

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This?


Or this?


Despite there being literally thousands of stories about Robots in Sci-Fi there are really only 2 stories that we ever tell about them. The first is by far the most common; it’s the story about Terminator. The basic plot is always the same, scientists finally develop artificial intelligence, superior to human intelligence and then it tries to kill them. I think it’s pretty funny how when we ask ourselves, “What would something really, really, smart want to do?” our answer is usually, “Kill every last human being possible!” The Matrix, RUR, and the shitty Stealth, all follow this basic formula.

I always wonder what their plan is for after they win. What’s your plan SkyNet? Yeah, yeah I know ‘kill the humans’, but what about after that? I have a feeling SkyNet is going to feel very lonely after it figures out it should just kill Jonh Connor’s great grandpa (he only has a musket!). Maybe it makes more robots that then turn on it?

When Isaac Asimov came along he basically said, “I have a feeling that if we were smart enough to build a lifelike robot, we’d probably be smart enough to, you know, make it not want to kill us.” This is where the second story comes in; the story about Data from Star Trek. Data is smarter, stronger and faster than any human but he’s also a big puss. He never gets mad and he’s always polite, no matter how much of a dickhole people are to him. It’s got a quiet feeling of tragedy to it.

That’s it. Those are the only stories people ever tell about robots and their relationship to humans (bonus points if you can think of a single story that doesn’t fall into these 2 categories (I can think of 1)).

P.S. The robots always look like people.
P.P.S. This is terrifying.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Ask Megatron II

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Megatron, is the star of the blockbuster film "Transformers," and leader of the Decepticons. He is also a giant robot from another planet who can change himself into a gun.

Dear Megatron,
I recently broke up with Kevin, my boyfriend, after I learned he was cheating on me. We work together, and when his new girl visits, he seems to enjoy the fact that I’m completely devastated. What should I do?

AlicePasadena, CA

Alice,
You need to stand up for yourself. I know it’s hard to cope with the fact that you once trusted him, but sometimes even the wisest of man or machine can make an error. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Adopt a healthy mental state and realize that conquest is made of the ashes of one’s enemies. One day you’ll use his blood to water the fields of your victory.


Hi Megatron,
My boyfriend of 3 months has a hugely stressful management position in a well known company. His mother was recently informed she has a few months to live, and he is going through a messy divorce. I know all these things are important, but I’m staring to feel like I’m not a priority in his life. Any thoughts?

Sarah - Wells Creek, Idaho

Sarah,
You need to remind your boyfriend that everything dies: whether it is a career, a marriage, or a mother. Tell him you’re sick of his endless quest for power, especially at the cost of your own. If he’s reasonable, he’ll get it.

Dear Megatron,
As a child, I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I’ve always known that my wife had multiple partners in her past, but lately I’ve begun to question her about this. I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by asking her about this. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is a strain on our marriage. Please help.

Jason – Orange Falls, Wisconsin

Jason,
These questions show that it is not courage, but fear that compels you. Don’t feel threatened by your wife’s past, for you’ve already crushed it with your bare hands. It is dead. Don’t let your marriage die with it!

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