Ghost Caveman

It's Shorter in Dog Years

There’s got to be a statute of limitations for how long you can haunt a place right? I mean you don’t see that many Caveman Ghosts out there do you?

If you really want to haunt a place for a long time you have to be buried, or have died, with a bunch of likeminded people. If enough of you died in the same place you can get a couple extra centuries! Indian burial grounds and old cemeteries from the 1600’s? Totally haunted! But a single dead Indian? 50 Years tops!

Also, it helps if the place you died already looks creepy. That way people will attribute the random gusts of wind, and occasional noises you produce as something a ghost did instead of just the wind. It must suck for the people who were horribly murdered in a nice sunny park.

Your Boring, Boring, True Ghost Stories

Spoooky!

I don’t know about you but I’m always bored by ‘true’ ghost stories, they never end the way they should. It’s never “Suddenly the house started shaking, there was this terrible screaming noise, and BLOOD started pouring forth from the walls!”

No it’s never like that. It’s always “I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked… There was nothing there!” Really?! I saw nothing in my apartment the other day! It’s coming for me now!

I guess part of my problem is that when people tell their particular ghost story ‘that really happened to them’ (or their cousin) the story seems to be full of phrases like “and then I was really scared.” Dude, you’re supposed to be scaring me, not talking about what a sissy you are! Unless the person telling the story winds up being a ghost themselves, and them telling me the ghost story is, in fact, a ghost story in itself, I tend to be unimpressed.

And is it just me or do the Ghosts always do lame things? “And none of us remembered moving that spoon there.” Ghosts, can you please just murder someone for once? Or at least, like, grab a boob! I remember when I was visiting a friend at NYU there was a story going around about a ghost that moved a poster from one side of a room to another. Although if I was a poltergeist that was stuck in a dorm room for all eternity I bet I’d get pretty sick of the same picture of Jimmy Hendrix being posted up every semester too.

I’m also incredibly bored by the ‘little English girl wearing a nighty’ Ghost. How many times have we seen this girl in movies? Let’s not forget these classic lines “Are you mad I am you’re daughter!” “You’re all going to die down here” and “I’m the reaping!” she’s almost as bad as the ‘I look like I did when I was murdered’ ghost. I know you were murdered and everything, but would it kill you to change your shirt?

Maybe you have a ghost story that isn’t lame. If so, please share. Feel free to embellish and exaggerate as much as possible, points for originality.