Boba!

DRINK THIS!

In case you don’t know what boba (or ‘bubble tea’ for the round eyes) is, it’s a tea or fruit drink with tapioca balls in it. It’s super num!

I love boba, but I have to wonder who the first person was to say, “Hey this smoothie is great, but you know what would make it even better? If it had something black in it that you had to struggle to suck up through a straw.”*

The other Day I was talking on the phone and my girlfriend mouthed the words “do you want? ...” and then made this ‘sucking gesture’ and bobbed her head up and down. I hurriedly hung up the phone and was all exited, then I found out she meant ‘Do you want to get some Boba?’ I wasn’t even mad! We were going to go get Boba!

How can you not like boba? It’s a drink with Puddin’ in it!

*Translated from Taiwanese

The Official Blog of the Olympics

Is anyone else disturbed by official Olympic products? At one point they made sense. Atheletic shoes, drinks crammed with electrolytes, snug fitting unitards. These were all things that athletes need so of course there should be one unitard out of all the snug fitting unitards that was the official Olympic unitard. Then McDonald’s got into the act. Well it kinda worked. Athletes have to eat. Nothing helps a person in peak physical condition carbo-load like a food in nugget form. The energy is super compact for faster delivery to the blood stream (i.e. goes straight to the arteries).

But now a day, I am having a hard time justifying why these companies think slapping colored rings on their product will boost sales. Viewership of the Olympics is waning as is, will people really choose what broom to use based on which one is the official sweeping device of the United States Olympic team? Do I need a bail bondsman that inspires global athletic competition? What the Olympics really needs is to strive to uphold the majesty of its storied history, the honor that it is to compete in the Olympic Games. Slapping your logo on toilet cleaners and jams is not a step in the right direction. I’m looking at you Izzy.

Video Game Product Tie Ins

Grand Theft Auto IV has set media records for selling $500 million dollars worth of games in just one week. With video games at the top of the entertainment heap it will only be a matter of time before we seem them widening their net into other products. (Remember Mountain Dew's Halo 3 drink. That shit made playing Halo 3 awesome!) Here are some items we are likely to see in the near future.


Grand Theft Auto Inurance - Sometimes people need to shoot hookers for the mob, and sometimes they need to do it fast. No big surprise that cars get stolen. When they do you're going to be glad you have Grand Theft Auto Insurance.


Devil May Cry Facial Tissue - Sure Devils may cry, but you're a human and you will cry! It's a fact of life. When it happens why not use a tissue soft enough to handle Dante's demon tears?


Metal Gear Solid Deodorant - Sneaking up and murdering people can be a tough job that makes you work up a sweat. If you're not going to let them hear you coming, make sure you don't let them smell you coming.


Call of Duty Toilet Paper - When Duty calls.


Super Moreo Cookies - See because, Mario is a slant rhyme with Oreo and slant rhymes are marketing and comedy gold... Alright you think you're so smart? Why don't you try thinking up a couple!

UltraWater: Slam Your Thirst!

From the makers of HydroRush and Juicequake, comes the ultimate water experience. Introducing UltraWater, hydration has never been like this. You need water, but does water have everything you need? The answer isno to the max. UltraWater takes natural refreshment and adds enough science to kick mother nature into high gear. We start by mining the purest ice crystals from the Glystock Glacier and melting these over a live Volcano (volcano is one of the cleanest burning fuels). This results in a water that is so chemically pure and nutrient rich that the National Water Board has given it its highest rating, 3 stars. From here we add over 72 different vitamins and a 140 minerals that are essential to living in a modern urban world. This results in the heaviest water commercially available. Thirst quenching will be as much of an exercise as your work out. Put out your inner fires while burning serious calories. For the finishing touch that turns water into UltraWater we mix in the fresh essence of Mango, Tangelos, and Persimmons. Every bottle of UltraWater contains 72 percent real fruit juice flavors. The rest is up to you. Fist some UltraWater and slam it in you today!