Praying is for suckers

Lots of people pray when there's a natural disaster. I don't understand that. Don't get me wrong, I understand the wanting to be saved. But you what are you doing? It's pretty obvious what side God's on: he sent a giant hurricane! I'm thinking...if a guy tries to hurricane you...he's probably not a big fan of you. Meanwhile everyone's like: "Know who could get me out of this mess of God sending a giant hurricane on me?...God! I should tell him how great he is!"

That'd be like if General Motors closed down a big factory and the whole town went out and bought them gift baskets saying they were awesome in hopes that they'd magically reverse their decision. That's why when something bad happens I suggest not praying at all...but maybe we should start a union.

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients

* 1/2 loaf mayhem
* 1/4 cup chaos
* 3/4 cup bad news
* 5 ounces casualties, thinly sliced
* 6 ounces carnage, cooled
* 3 ounces (about 5 slices) misfortune
* woe (for drizzling)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Slice the mayhem into 10 slices, each about 1/2-inch thick. Brush the mayhem with chaos and arrange it on a baking sheet. Bake mercilessly for 10-15 minutes.

Spread each slice of the mayhem with the bad news then place the casualties on top. Arrange the carnage on top of the casualties. Cut each piece of misfortune in half and place on top of the carnage. Transfer the disaster to a serving platter. Drizzle with woe and serve.

Introduction Etiquette

When meeting new groups for the first time, it’s always a good idea for introductions to be made in order of who should be saved in the event of a natural disaster. That way when such an event occurs, no one is confused as to whether *met* a person first, or if they’re supposed to *save* them first. That’s also why I’m so quick to offer handshakes to strangers.