It is the Nature of Intelligent Life to Destroy Itself

I got that quote from Wikipedia’s page on the Fermi Paradox.

Since we only have one example, it’s impossible to know how likely it is for intelligence to evolve on an earthlike planet. But maybe the reason we haven’t yet found intelligent life elsewhere in the cosmos is because smart things quickly kill themselves off.

Think of how close we came to killing every human being on the planet during the Cuban Missile Crisis. That was when only two countries had nukes. As technology improves it’s only going to get easier to manufacture such weapons.

Also we might drown in our own waste.

… Ok no more reading Atomic Rockets, The End of Faith, and Wikipedia after 11:30 for me.

When Hadrons Collide

Well as it turns out (and FunBox predicted) the Large Hadron Collider did not kill us all with tiny black holes. I feel sorry though for the people who died last night unrelated deaths. I am sure that when the got to the after world they were all excited to see everyone they know there also killed by science. All they get though is an after life of dissapointment.
"Hey Grandma. Where's everybody else?"
"Everybody who?"
"You know, everbody. Cause the world ended. I must have been killed by a tiny black hole."
"No. You got hit by a car."
"Was he killed by a black hole?"
"No. He's fine. He was driving one of those all new Ford Flex."
"Oh."

I know if I died I would want to take everyone on the planet with me.

Your Boring, Boring, True Ghost Stories

Spoooky!

I don’t know about you but I’m always bored by ‘true’ ghost stories, they never end the way they should. It’s never “Suddenly the house started shaking, there was this terrible screaming noise, and BLOOD started pouring forth from the walls!”

No it’s never like that. It’s always “I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked… There was nothing there!” Really?! I saw nothing in my apartment the other day! It’s coming for me now!

I guess part of my problem is that when people tell their particular ghost story ‘that really happened to them’ (or their cousin) the story seems to be full of phrases like “and then I was really scared.” Dude, you’re supposed to be scaring me, not talking about what a sissy you are! Unless the person telling the story winds up being a ghost themselves, and them telling me the ghost story is, in fact, a ghost story in itself, I tend to be unimpressed.

And is it just me or do the Ghosts always do lame things? “And none of us remembered moving that spoon there.” Ghosts, can you please just murder someone for once? Or at least, like, grab a boob! I remember when I was visiting a friend at NYU there was a story going around about a ghost that moved a poster from one side of a room to another. Although if I was a poltergeist that was stuck in a dorm room for all eternity I bet I’d get pretty sick of the same picture of Jimmy Hendrix being posted up every semester too.

I’m also incredibly bored by the ‘little English girl wearing a nighty’ Ghost. How many times have we seen this girl in movies? Let’s not forget these classic lines “Are you mad I am you’re daughter!” “You’re all going to die down here” and “I’m the reaping!” she’s almost as bad as the ‘I look like I did when I was murdered’ ghost. I know you were murdered and everything, but would it kill you to change your shirt?

Maybe you have a ghost story that isn’t lame. If so, please share. Feel free to embellish and exaggerate as much as possible, points for originality.

I'm Sorry, But I Need a Vacation From My List of People to Destroy

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of problems with my list of people to destroy and I think it’s time to take a breather. Now before you protest, I already know what you’ll say: “whether slighted by a boss, jilted by a lover, or merely cut off in traffic, it’s just plain healthy to refrain from speaking, to compress all my negative emotions into a tiny ball of pure hatred, and let it fester: boiling in my stomach until it explodes in a vicious tidal wave of fury which obliterates all those who have fed it’s savage hunger.” And yeah, you may be right. The thing is though, life’s been giving me a lot of “list of people to destroy” lemons these days, and I’m having the darndest time making “list of people to destroy" lemonade.

Yesterday was the last straw. I spent a good fourteen hours or so carving an enemy’s deepest secrets into living rock only to finally realize I’d typoed (or I guess carve-od) his name. I’m sitting there going: “Crap, I don’t have time to buff this out,” and I realized my only choice was to chip the word “oops” below my mistake and hope nobody’s offended. I’ve been stressed about it ever since.

I’ve been making lots of mistakes like this lately, and I think they stem from having too many elaborate Machiavellian schemes going on at the same time. To put it bluntly, it's hard keeping track of the destruction of this many people and the work is suffering because of it. Ever set in motion an elaborate scheme to humiliate someone’s “one true love,” and then become so distracted with other ploys, that upon your return you realize they’ve already broken up like a week ago? Well this guy has! The only thing worse is concocting multiple clever ways to blast scores of enemies into the flaming pits of darkness and then to find they’ve all died of natural causes. Crap I’m getting frustrated!

So that’s why I’m making this official announcement to all my friends and enemies. I’ve decided to kick back and go on a of “list of people to destroy” sabbatical for a while. I really need some “me” time, and when it comes down to it, there are lots of places and things I’d like to destroy as well. Don’t worry, though. I’m sure I’ll be back soon to destroy every last one of you. In the meantime, I wish you all well. If you could do me just one favor: please don’t break up or go off dying on me.