At the Zoo

I guess it looks sorta like a prairie dog...

I would like to present to you my 3 act play entitled At the A Zoo.

Act 1: The Gorillas

A mother gorilla and her baby are grooming each other. I sit quietly with my back slightly turned so as not to disturb them. A teenage girl and her friend approach.

Loud Teenage Girl: OH MY GOD look at that one’s titties!

Her Friend: I think that’s the daddy.

Loud Teenage girl: Those titties are huge!

The gorillas quietly walk away.

Act 2: The Meerkats

The Meerkats are all out of their burrows; they are digging around, climbing on rocks and generally doing interesting things. I sit quietly watching. A group of people approach the enclosure.

Loud Woman: OH MY GOD! Jackie come look! Look at the prairie dogs! Jackie look LOOK do you see the prairie dogs?

Jackie (a 4 year old girl) is uninterested.

Loud Woman: (picking Jackie out of her stroller) Look! See!

The Meerkats return to their burrows.

Act 3: the Lion

Douche bag guy: (Clapping) Yo! Prrr! Roar! Hey! (A loud whistle)

The Lion continues to sleep.

Epilogue: The Chimps

A Chimp picks up a huge clod of dirt and throws it at a group of ladies. They all shriek.

Ladies: (Ad lib) Why did he do that?

-end-

The Theatre

“Hey everybody thanks for coming out and supporting live theatre!” Does anyone else find it weird how often they hear that at Comedy shows? Like by listening to dick jokes for an hour and a half you’re somehow donating to charity. Spoiler alert: The comics, i.e. the ones actually doing the live theater, are almost never paid.

Speaking of not being paid, I’m actually doing some live theatre now in the form of a play. It reminds me of when I was performing in Boston, in that no one ever reads the stage directions, or in fact, the play, before rehearsals start. Here’s the way a lot of my rehearsals would go back in Beantown.

Director: Let’s put you in this scene.

Me: Ok but, just so you know, in the next scene I ask “What happened in there?” referring to what happens in here now, in this scene. And they lie to me, and I believe them.

Director: Yeah, but the stage just feels empty right now.

Actress: That was good, but this time don’t hand me the book.

Me: Ok, sure. Just so you know though, the stage directions say ‘he hands her the book’ and your next line is, ‘thanks for giving me this book.’

Actress: Fine, let’s try it your way.

Me: My way? Do you mean the way the play was written? Ok sure let’s try it that way.

So, I’ve been re-reading my Plays of Anton Checkov, and I have to say, a lot of the scenes become repetitive. Look at this excerpt from “Three Sisters.”

Kulygin: Ah! Irina my dear wife!

Masha: No, I’m actually Masha.

Kulygin: Oh, sorry I get you two confused. Have you seen my wife?

Masha: I am your wife.

Kulygin: I thought I was in love with the one who always wears Black, or is that Olga?

Masha: That’s Fucking Me!

Kulygin: But I’m a high-school teacher, don’t you wear a teachers outfit in the first scene?

Masha: Well now you’ve got me confused. (Aggravated sigh) I guess we’ll have to look at the cast of characters again.

So it turns out when I read Checkov it sounds like freaking Ionesco (Zing!). It also doesn’t help that they all refer to each other using their patronymic names. “Sergeyevitch! Who the hell is that guy?! (Then I re-read the entire scene before realizing it’s a kooky Russian nickname thing).”