The Theatre

“Hey everybody thanks for coming out and supporting live theatre!” Does anyone else find it weird how often they hear that at Comedy shows? Like by listening to dick jokes for an hour and a half you’re somehow donating to charity. Spoiler alert: The comics, i.e. the ones actually doing the live theater, are almost never paid.

Speaking of not being paid, I’m actually doing some live theatre now in the form of a play. It reminds me of when I was performing in Boston, in that no one ever reads the stage directions, or in fact, the play, before rehearsals start. Here’s the way a lot of my rehearsals would go back in Beantown.

Director: Let’s put you in this scene.

Me: Ok but, just so you know, in the next scene I ask “What happened in there?” referring to what happens in here now, in this scene. And they lie to me, and I believe them.

Director: Yeah, but the stage just feels empty right now.

Actress: That was good, but this time don’t hand me the book.

Me: Ok, sure. Just so you know though, the stage directions say ‘he hands her the book’ and your next line is, ‘thanks for giving me this book.’

Actress: Fine, let’s try it your way.

Me: My way? Do you mean the way the play was written? Ok sure let’s try it that way.

How Come There Aren't Any More Shakespeare Plays?

Seriously, how come? I mean everyone seems to like them (or at least pretend to). It seems like the high school puts on another production of Macbeth every few years so there's clearly a market. Here, I'll even do the hard part and sketch out an outline for you.

Two Gentlemen of Athens, Named Timon and Andronicus

sometimes abbreviated as Two Gentlemen of Athens
A comedie in 5 acts

Act 1
The play opens in Rome. There are riots in the streets, Timon tries to convince his cousin Andronicus, who has just learned by letter that his son has died, to come with him to Athens. Andronicus at first refuses, but later relents and decides to leave Rome. Andronicus delivers his famous “I have just learned, by letter, that my son is dead” speech.

Act 2
As the two head out of Rome, Timon meets his old friend, The Fool Cardino, Cardino is grieved to learn, by letter, that his daughter, Cardina, has died. Cardino and Timon plot to kill Andronicus.

Act 3
Andronicus writes a letter to his brother Cinna back in Rome and gives it to Cardino to deliver. Cardino replaces it with one of his own, informing Cinna that Andronicus is dead, and delivers the letter to Cinna. Horrified by this news, Cinna declares war on Athens. Meanwhile, Andronicus has a dream wherein he learns of Cardino's plot to kill him. Andronicus tries to convince Timon to return with him to Athens. Andronicus tells Timon that he has received a letter informing him that his daughter, Brysius is planning to wed, and that he has forgotten his hat. Timon delivers his famous “I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a hat” speech.

Act 4
While on the road back to find the two gentlemen Cardino is ambushed by robbers. He delivers his famous “I've been stabbed multiple times, but I'm still making jokes about it” speech, and dies. The robbers compose a letter informing Andronicus that Cardino is dead. Cardino's daughter, Cardina (not dead after all), and Brysius each compose letters to their respective lovers, but the servant Borilus' mis-delivers them and they fall in love with each other instead. Cardina decides to pretend to be a man to spare Brysius's feelings, and delivers her “How hard it is to feign to be a man when you are, in fact, a woman” speech.

Act 5
Andronicus, thinking that Timon is actually Cardino, stabs and kills him. He is filled with remorse. We learn that Brysius was actually a man pretending to be a woman, and mad. The play ends with the happy wedding of Brysius and Cardina at Timon's funeral.

As you can see this play, with it's themes of love, betrayal, political upheaval, madness, violence, family and letters is still relevant today. Now all thou has't to do is write the Dialog!

So, I’ve been re-reading my Plays of Anton Checkov, and I have to say, a lot of the scenes become repetitive. Look at this excerpt from “Three Sisters.”

Kulygin: Ah! Irina my dear wife!

Masha: No, I’m actually Masha.

Kulygin: Oh, sorry I get you two confused. Have you seen my wife?

Masha: I am your wife.

Kulygin: I thought I was in love with the one who always wears Black, or is that Olga?

Masha: That’s Fucking Me!

Kulygin: But I’m a high-school teacher, don’t you wear a teachers outfit in the first scene?

Masha: Well now you’ve got me confused. (Aggravated sigh) I guess we’ll have to look at the cast of characters again.

So it turns out when I read Checkov it sounds like freaking Ionesco (Zing!). It also doesn’t help that they all refer to each other using their patronymic names. “Sergeyevitch! Who the hell is that guy?! (Then I re-read the entire scene before realizing it’s a kooky Russian nickname thing).”