Small earthquakes do me no good

Don't you hate it when you get a really cool gift that you can't yet use? Lately I've been thinking a lot about the earthquake kit I got for Christmas. It's got everything: meal rations, water proof matches, even a foil thin thermal blanket! I go to sleep at night thinking about how awesome it would be to use the hand powered radio. I mean it would be like listening to a regular radio only powered by my own hands! And I'm really excited about those meal rations. They're like little bricks of food! Bricks! Imagine going to a buffet and eating a retaining wall of flavor! Anyway, the big one better come soon, cause I'm excited. I've got a ton of waterproof matches that aren't wetting themselves.

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients

* 1/2 loaf mayhem
* 1/4 cup chaos
* 3/4 cup bad news
* 5 ounces casualties, thinly sliced
* 6 ounces carnage, cooled
* 3 ounces (about 5 slices) misfortune
* woe (for drizzling)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Slice the mayhem into 10 slices, each about 1/2-inch thick. Brush the mayhem with chaos and arrange it on a baking sheet. Bake mercilessly for 10-15 minutes.

Spread each slice of the mayhem with the bad news then place the casualties on top. Arrange the carnage on top of the casualties. Cut each piece of misfortune in half and place on top of the carnage. Transfer the disaster to a serving platter. Drizzle with woe and serve.

The Earthquake

This month, when I felt the earthquake, for some dumb reason my thought process was as follows: "Hey this is an earthquake. I hope this gets exciting!" Those were my immediate thoughts, even before I got to: "um should I stand in a door or something?"

Then it was over, and for a second I felt disappointed.

What? That doesn't make any sense! Clearly any form of excitement that's earthquake-oriented is a very bad thing! There's never an earthquake that turns out exciting for a happy reason. Like an earthquake that gives everyone a dollar, or explodes skittles from the groud, or the crack itself starts talking in the form of a mouth that says really smart stuff about unsigned bands that you'll like.

Obviously my disappointment was unfounded. If you were disappointed, I suspect yours was too.