SUSPENSE!

I was sitting at a table looking at a glass of water that was on the table. I picked it up and took a drink of some of the water that was in the glass. Suddenly the door to the restaurant where I was burst open inwards because some people were pushing on it very hard and trying to open it. They succeeded and came into the restaurant. They had guns! One of the men pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. A bullet shot out! Fortunately for me the bullet flew past me and didn’t hit me. He missed!

I lifted up the edge of the table and turned the table over so that if they shot more bullets at me the bullets would hit the table and not hit me. I heard the sound of more bullets hitting the table. It was a good plan to make a shield, but it wouldn’t last for long. Soon the men with guns would come far enough around the table and be able to shoot at me without the table in between us. Who were these men? Why were they trying to kill me? Did it have anything to do with my dark past? These were all questions I didn’t have time to ask myself because at the time I was more worried about not being shot by bullets from guns.

Hollywood Writers’ Strike Replacement Shows

Pimp My Grandfather
Guests trick out old broken-down family members using the latest, most high end medical procedures including: heart valve replacements, blood transfusions, skin grafts, and whatever it was that made Barry Bonds hit all those home runs. Then they're taken to L.A.'s hottest clubs to see who truly is the most pimp grandfather of all.

Death Factor
Contestants who agree to be shot receive a small financial incentive.

Trading Spaces Al Anbar Province
Insurgents and US military forces swap roles for a day, and redecorate each other's bases of operations in an effort to better understand of each other's lifestyles. Instead though, they mostly plant bombs to kill each other for laters.

Feed CC202A
Security camera monitoring the Ralph's parking lot located on 260 South La Brea Avenue.

New Episodes of Mind of Mencia
Despite the strike, Carlos will still be able to continue stealing material from everyone who performs at The Comedy Store.

Botulism Island
Volunteers are marooned on an island where their only resource is dented cans.

NFeLephant
Documentary chronicling one pachyderm's dream to play starting linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. Bobo's followed the sport since being a wee child (weighing just over 400lbs), and vows he'd play the game for peanuts.

Single Family Double Dare
Children without fathers or mothers compete win bicycles, gaming systems, and the love of Marc Summers.

Women in Bikinis Watch Reruns of Cheers: The Show
Expected to be a ratings home run and a major reason why studios will refrain from pursuing good faith negotiations with the writers.