Last Minute Tax Tips

If you’re listing a child as a deduction, consider filling out the forms in crayon so you know you mean business. Or let children fill out their own forms and include them with your taxes. The IRS will appreciate your child’s artwork and will put in on the refrigerator of the Federal Reserve.

Asking what something costs means you probably can’t afford it so if you’ve had a good year, consider sending a blank check to the government and letting them fill in the amount for themselves. If times are tight, skip taxes this year and buy two of them next year.

For those unable to claim deductions, consider claiming inductions, conductions, and reductions.

If you think your tax burden is unfair, stop complaining and go make your own damn country with John Adams.

Make Yourself Sexy

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon (or President’s Day for you atheists out there), and as such, the question on everyone’s mind should be how do I make myself sexier? Here are five simple things to do that will drive your partner wild with passion this Valentine’s Day (President’s Day).

1. Show them your genitals. Nothing gets people in the mood faster than seeing genitals. To make this even more special, try covering them with a sheet or towel and then after a little while removing the sheet or towel.

2. Grab yourself. Grabbing parts of your body is a great way to show your lover where you want to be touched. While holding a handful of yourself try saying something sexy like, “You want this don’t you?” This can be changed up by grabbing parts of your partner’s body and yelling, “This is mine!”

3. Tell them you are sexy. Make sure the person you are with knows how sexy and confident you are by telling them. Whisper into their ear, “I am so sexy.” This will get them thinking about how sexy you are.

4. Stretch it out. There are sexy parts of your body that you probably never think of. Use this Valentine’s Day (President’s Day) to show them off. Lay down on a bed and spread yourself out as much as possible. Call your lover in and watch their eyes light up as they view this all new you.

5. Clothespins and Rubber Bands. Each year that goes by makes us another year older. We all could use a little help when it comes to aging. Fix problem spots in a jiffy by using clothespins and rubber bands to hold back excess flesh. Soon you’ll look as young and tight as the day your significant other met you. Maybe tighter!

Flu Season

It's flu season and we, like a lot of other people, struggle to stay healthy. If not for ourselves, then for our family and the homeless people who count on us at the shelter. Over the years we have picked up a few simple things that help ensure that we stay germ free:

1. Don’t open doors with your mouth. Normally when your hands are full the easiest way to open a door is to grip the handle with your mouth, but it’s a good idea to start getting in the habit of avoiding this with viruses being so widespread.

2. Know where your blood comes from. Sure, we all need more blood, and with gas prices shooting through the roof we may not be able to be as choosey as we would like to be with regards to where it comes from. But think how much more money it will cost you when you have to spend a couple work days home sick. An extra buck or two for that blood doesn’t seem so bad now does it?

3. Eat two different kinds of food a day. We all know the old adage starve a cold, overfeed a flu. We’ve found from personal experience though, that it is less about quantity and more about variety. This might seem to go against common sense, but give it a try. Instead of eating 5 bowls of Beef and Barely Soup tomorrow, try making the last bowl Clam Chowder. Your body will thank you, even though the clams won’t!

4. Replace handshakes with saluting. The reason America wins wars is because our soldiers stay so healthy. Take this trick from the pros and switch to saluting. This is also a great way to help you figure out which people consider you to be a higher rank then them.

5. Don’t go inside. Most winter time illness are caused by the increased amount of time people spend indoors. Buildings are the prime location for bacteria to start breeding. Its this reason that native Americans didn’t get sick until Europeans came and started building houses. Hence the term “Cabin Fever.”

These may take a little getting use to, but the results are a 100% guaranteed. If you do become ill following these steps, it is safe to assume that you are doing something wrong. Reread the list and try again.