Time Management

Happy new year! A new year presents newfound freedoms and opportunities and can often be overwhelming. That's why we present the following time management hints:

1. Assess your situation. Do you really want to manage your time? If so, keep reading this guide.
2. Be realistic. Despite your optimism, don't plan minutes for a significant other if you don't yet have one, especially if you're ugly. Lack of a companion will keep you free of commitment on Saturday nights. But don't think of it in terms of a glass being half full. It's more that the glass is sitting on the couch every weekend viewing episodes of Deputy Dog on the Cartoon Network.
3. Be conscious of your office environment. Don't expect to write work paper if you spend the entire time releasing harmful CFC's into the air and dumping toxic ink into the ocean. And start recycling you selfish meat-eating bastard.
4. Always plan at least two courses of action. One should be a straightforward sounding method to attain your desired result. The other, known as Plan B should be "so crazy that it just might work." When the first strategy unexpectedly fails you'll promptly follow through with "B," likely saving the town and earning gratitude from a friendly sheriff.
5. Try to organize. There's nothing better to do the night before an important presentation than uncluttering your living space. By spending the entire evening cleaning you'll feel a deep sense of accomplishment going into the presentation You'll also avoid dying while asleep like grandpa did last year.
6. Consider what's important and prioritize. Seriously, you can't expect to do work while playing computer solitaire. It's a distraction. Put the book away otherwise you'll never win. Those Las Vegas rules are hard.
7. Finally, remember to schedule any nervous breakdowns. Plan them at least five days in advance. That way you can purchase firearms and make them much more dramatic.