The World is Ending

Forget what Nostradamus says. Forget about the Mayan calendar. I have proof that the world is going to end in 2009.

It all started New Year's Eve when I went to tune into the countdown. (Which is really weird to watch in L.A. since all the countdowns are in New York and happened three hours earlier. It kinda makes it feel fake knowing that most of those people counting on screen are already stuck in traffic trying to get home.) To my dismay, this is what I had to choose from:



These two surely must be two of the horseman of the apocalypse. Ryan Seacrest, representing Death and riding on his trusty mount, Paula Abdul. Carson Daly, embodying the full force of Pestilence (is there a better example of a plague than the teens on TRL?) riding his well muscled Britney Spears fanboy. What other reason could there be to have two such calming vapid men host our transition to the New Year if it wasn't to make us more serene and accepting of our fate.

Of course, if this really was the end of the world we would need two more horseman, War and Famine. Why hey! Look who it is over there:

The New Year

The outlook of the new year can be determined by how you found yourself on New Year’s Morning. Take a look at the list below and see what the new year has in store for you!

Waking up in the gutter – You’re a real go getter who’s not afraid of roughing it a little. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Feeling Refreshed after a full nights sleep – Safe and secure might not be the most glamorous, but it gets the job done. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

With the worst hangover ever – You understand that life is short and it’s important to live each day to its fullest. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Naked next to a stranger – Without risk, there cannot be reward. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Fully clothed, curled up next to your best friend - A lot of things in life may come and go, but friends will always be there for you. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Tired cause you stayed up all night – You want to face the world head on and are ready to tackle each challenge as it arises. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

New Year's Eve in LA

'Twas the night before New Year's, and all through LA
The celebs were preparing for a drunk Holiday
they all dialed cell phones and were hoping that night
To club up at the clubs with the blackest black lights

The men were not proper, the women not prim
They'd flash their fake tits, and sweet abs from the gym
And while Paris had Gucci, and Lohan wore Uggs
Their Agents donned suits, and arranged to buy drugs

Amy Winehouse didn't notice, cause she was still drunk
Tracy Morgan looked forward to acting all krunk
And Hannah Montana would be in bed by eight
Cause she's still a kid and her songs aren't that great

Stretch limos lined Sunset, jaguars double parked
Paparazzi used flashes to photo in dark
They prayed that somebody would shoot a rap star
Or that models would O.D. outside Beauty Bar

And I'd write this more but you get the drift.
It's just rhyming statements, not Jonathan Swift
I just wanted to wish you a lovely new year
Happy '08 to all, and don't drive after beer