Ask Dr. Funboxberg

Hello, I'm Dr. Funboxberg.

I have over 35 years experience under my belt helping people. From marital problems to non-marital problems, I've seen and helped it all. It is my hope that by making myself available through this new digital medium I can usher in a whole new era of healing digitally. Getting the advice you so desperatley need is as easy as writing me a digital letter. and then waiting for me to possibly answer it. Remember, it is like I told Mrs. Doctor Funboxberg, "It doesn't matter how many pies you can make if none of them taste any good."
I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

If you would like Dr. Funboxberg's digital help and advice please email him at askdrfunboxberg@funboxcomedy.com

NEW QUESTION EVERY TUESDAY

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm currently employed at a major engineering firm, but I'm considering quitting my job to start my own business. My wife thinks this is foolish, but I have a good plan and this is my true passion. How can I talk to her about this?

Sincerely,

Hopeful Business Owner

Dear Owner,

One of the more effective communication tools us males have is brooding. It's time you take full advantage of it. Do you have a basement? Please tell me you have a basement. If so I suggest spending most of your time down there making plans for your business and loudly hammering things. If you don't have a basement, use a friend's.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

The sagging economy has really hit me hard and I've lost a lot of money in the Stock market. I've stopped going out to eat, cancelled all my vacation plans for the summer, and I'm afraid I won't be able to make my mortgage payment this month? Any advice on where I can invest my money so this won't happen in the future?

Help,

Took a Bath in Stocks

Dear Bath Socks,

Try investing in something that will give you some real returns, Zinc! America will always need zinc and it's a commodity that is sure to increase in value. The Oriental markets seem to be gobbling up Zinc as fast as we can pull it out of the ground. Stick to tangible things like Zinc, investing money in the stock market is the same thing as gambling, or taking out insurance!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Everytime I come home my wife starts bothering me to do chores. She doesn't seem to understand that I just did a full day of work and I am very tired. She does not work. How can I make her understand that chores are her responsibility without sound like a jerk?

Thanks,

Horrid Hubby

Dear Hub,

When your wife says, 'Do some chores.' What she is really saying is, 'Buy me something pretty.' You start coming home with a sparkling brand new mop, or high quality pair of rubber gloves, and pretty soon the little woman's nagging will turn into bragging, 'I have the best husband.'

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm 19 and would love to go on a beach vacation with my 20 year old boyfriend. We want to go in August or September, but are afraid the water will be too cold for swimming. Are there any beaches or beach towns that you'd recommend?

Thanks,

Beach Babe

Dear Beach,

I'd suggest the beaches at Normandy. The freedoms won there from the Germans always warm my heart, no matter what time of year.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

All the other Girls in my grade have already gotten their periods but I still haven't gotten mine! All of them are also 'developing' and have their breasts but I still look like a kid! The boys don't even seem to notice me! Is there anything I can do to make puberty happen sooner?

Sincerely,

Late Bloomer

Dear Latebloomer,

There are several things you might try. Adrenal glands from oxen have been known to stimulate a first menses and a number of other hormones can stimulate breast development. Asking your doctor for these things is a waste of time, as they will often suggest a 'wait and see' approach. That will only result in your becoming an old maid! If you want to snag a man, now is your best chance! I suggest heading down to your local Korea-Town. Ask for 'Bull glands.'

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My husband seems to have a rivalry going with our neighbors. It used to just be about who has the nicest lawn, but soon we were forced to buy a new car, install a deck, and now he's "training" our son just because the neighbor boy is good at football. What can I do to stop this?

Thanks,

Greener Grass

Dear Grasser,

It sure does sound aweful that your husband's doing work around the house, bonding with your son, and building you a deck. Your husband seems to have the right idea. The only question is if you're keeping up with the wives on your block.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now and things are really great except for one thing, we've never had sex. I've talked with him about this a number of times and he always says that he's not ready yet. I'm starting to think there might be something wrong with me. What should I do?

Help,

Horny in Helena

Dear Helen,

This is a serious problem, but there are solutions. If you are getting really desperate you might want to try artificial insemination. A number of clinics offer this service and it is minimally invasive. You could also try adopting.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Do you think that 25 is too old for braces?

Sincerely,

Metal Mouth

Dear Met,

Polio can strike at any age, and any one who makes fun of your leg braces should just be ashamed. Our hearts go out to you.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Lately I've been hearing a lot about the Mayan calendar and it is very disturbing. I'm worried that I'll die when the world ends in 2012.

Please Help,

Mystified by Mayans

Dear Maya,

I wouldn't sweat it. There are many ways that the Lord can take us, and whether it be due to car accident, slip and fall, poisoning, animal bite, heart attack, disease, or global cataclysm, your death is definitely in His plans. So don't worry about the prospect of death itself. Worry about explaining yourself to an all powerful being when your certain death assuredly happens.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

You've got to help me get over my fear of death. I can't work, I can't sleep; I just obsess about the fact that someday I'm going to stop existing. Help me get over my fear.

Help,

Morbid in Montana

Dear Morbo,

It's perfectly human to feel distress over your own mortality, but once this fear keeps you from doing what you enjoy, it's time to put things in perspective. We're all going to die someday, but once you realize that you have some measure of power over life and death, the concept becomes less frightening. Try hunting, fishing, or just imagine taking the life of another human being. Revel in the fact that Man has been granted dominion over all life, and that Americans have been granted dominion over most other men. Once you start thinking about death associated with other people and animals your cares will melt away!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

A lot of people say that if you run PPC campaigns and use landing pages for these campaigns that are similar in layout and content, you should prevent search engines robots from indexing them. Please explain why?

Thanks,

Indexed Idol

Dear Index,

Well as my father always told me, PPC landing pages can look very much the same and the only difference between them is the keywords used as targets. If your page is filtered out it maybe because it looks too similar and the search identifies it as identical content. In the end this may impact your chances of earning a high rank, therefore it is always a good idea to prevent robots from indexing landing pages, using your robots.txt file. Of course none of this will be necessary if you are using existing pages as PPC landing pages. Out of the fire into the pan!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I keep dreaming about a former lover with whom my relationship ended years ago. I'd thought I'd let go of him, but it was definitively the best relationship I've ever had. In my dreams, he either appears to be upset over the break up or he asks me to reunite. What does this mean?

Please help,

Dreary Dreamer

Dear Dreamy,

This is your brain telling you that you're thinking about killing him. Don't kill him. He is just a man and he's no longer a part of your life.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I recently was invited to a party and didn't even know it! This is because I don't check my Facebook regularly and that was the only way in which my friend chose to inform me about the party. Am I wrong for thinking it's strange to only communicate through social networking sites?

Help,

Out of Touch

Dear Touchy,

Get with the program! Do you want to miss anymore parties or invitations for romance? No? Then you must slavishly follow whatever new tech fad is currently in vogue. I bet you haven't even started tweeting have you? Why should your friend bother to use an E-vite or email or phone call or letter when it's perfectly safe to assume that you will check your social networking sites at least thrice daily?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

A few days ago I realized that my brother had been smoking. He's seventeen, and not a real bad kid. But he tends to go with the crowd and do things that people tell him to do if it will make him look cooler. The fact that he did it in the bathroom and tried not to let anyone notice means he's not just doing it to look cool and he might be addicted to it. I'm really scared! I don't want him to hate me for ratting him out. Help me please! I have no clue what to do!

Thank You,

Scared Sis

Dear Sissy,

I found it best before I start judging other people's actions (unless said action is forbidden by the bible) to take a walk in their shoes. Have you tried a cigarette? How do you know its bad. Maybe the rich smooth flavor is the best part of his day. With that nicotine pulsing through his veins, I am sure he'll be able to study longer and harder. Not to mention driving the ladies wild. Maybe instead of asking if your brother should stop smoking, start asking if you should start.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm tired of my day job and looking to make money online. I'm not sure which programs are legit and which ones are scams. Do you have any advice?

Thank You,

Looking in Louisville

Dear Lookie,

Yes. Don't quit your day job.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Lately my husband has been attending church less and less. He used to be such a devout Lutheran but now he seems disinterested in even our most dreary hymns. I'm worried he might be losing his faith. What should I do?

Please Help,

Loving Lutheran

Dear Luther,

As a man on science, I sympathize with your husband's willingness to leave the superstitions of the past behind him. However, as a wife, it is your duty to find his natural impulse completely abhorrent. You must attempt to thwart it at every turn. If all-night crying jags and heartfelt letters bemoaning his eternal damnation don't get a rise out of him, you could try 'spicing up' the religion. Try dressing up as Mary Magdalene, or better yet Salome in the bedroom, (just be sure to use a safe word before you actually cut his head off.) In no time he'll learn to keep discussions of religion strictly with the men folk, where it belongs!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have two lovely teenage children, but recently my life has felt stuck in a rut. A couple of months ago, by chance, I ran into my first serious boyfriend, who has never married. We've started an intense email correspondence and it's left me feeling that I'm married to the wrong person. Am I crazy to be even thinking of acting on these emotions?

Sincerely,

Debating Divorce

Dear Bating,

In my experience, most woman are crazy. It's why I'm rich! Whether its worrying too much about being fat, or being insulted if their new haircut goes unnoticed, woman are irrational creatures whose feelings are confused and wrong. This is why it is so important to find the right husband, and quickly, so that he will be able to counter your crazed emotions. It seems to me that the right husband is your first boyfriend. Good luck with your new marriage.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm new in my town and it's overwhelming to see so many new faces. What's the best way to find new friends?

Thank You,

Friendless Fred

Dear Less,

The best way to develop new friendships is to first narrow the field. Go door to door and introduce yourself to those in your neighborhood by offering delicious baked goods. Note those that consumed your offering and immediately eliminate them from contention for your friendship. Baked goods are filled with empty calories, and consuming them is a sign of weakness and gluttony. Also these foods can lead to obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. What's the point of getting to know someone if they're just going to die soon anyway?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My husband buys about two hundred dollars worth of lottery tickets each month. I think that is too much, what do you think?

Thanks,

Lois Lottery

Dear LoLo,

I'm afraid I can't help you unless you tell me more about your circumstances. If you are middle to low class you should spend absolutely as much as possible on tickets, as the lottery is the only way you could ever pull yourself out of the squalor and despair in which you currently live. On the other hand wealthy people should buy even more, since they can afford it!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am a teenage girl writing you as a plea for help. I recently kissed my crush (though friend) as a "Christmas present" in December. We don't kiss regularly, but have kissed numerous times previously. I really like him but it is obvious by how he is acting towards me that he's just not into me the way I am to him. Though he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, we do kiss sometimes. I don't want to say no but I really don't want to kiss him while we are not together. Is there anything you can do to help me....maybe give me advice on how to get him to like me?

What should I do?

In Love With Him

Dear Him,

Try taking a look at what's worked in the past. The first time you gave him a present, your relationship elevated to a whole new level. It seems to me that more presents are in order. With each gift you give him, maybe he will give you a little more of the attention you are so desperately craving. It is often said that young love begins at the mall. Good Luck!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My wife and I have differing opinions on the President's recent lifting of restrictions on federal funding for stem cell research. Where do you stand on the issue?

Sincerely
Science Squabble

Dear Squab,

Where I stand is that each individual stem cell is God-created and made of tiny babies: all of whom deserve happy lives of their own. For a long time, I was completely against stem cell research. Now though, I've come to realize that God has a different plan for all of us. If God wants to use those little tiny babies and their little tiny baby hands come inside my body and fix my Type I Diabetes, then His will be done.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

How do I deal with the stress of paying off my student loans and the bad economy?

From
Money Woes

Dear Woah,

Basically you have two options. If you are a man you will, of course, soon enter the workforce. Nowadays workplaces are becoming increasingly sensitive to the stress their employees suffer, and will overlook little things like a mid-afternoon drink, or a fling with a sweet young secretary. If you are a woman, most nursing schools offer loans and soon you will find many eligible young doctors, Meow!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've always felt that my sense of humor has suffered because I'm not part of an inherently funny ethnic or religious group. My best friend is Jewish and Italian (a veritable font of humor), and my wife is Catholic (also good for laughs). But I was raised Presbyterian. How do I mine my psyche for better party repartee?

Help
Humorless Hubby

Dear Hub,

Just like ever ethno-racial sub-group has a foible that is ripe for ribbing (the Jews and their love of spicy food, Italians and their sleepwalking), so too does every individual have a quirk or "weakness" that is ready to be mined for comedy gold. You see, humor is a shared moment when people bond over the exposure over someones stupidity (how stupid the chicken was when he crossed the road). Start off by trying something easy, "I'm so stupid I married her!" (Point to your wife.)

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My friend and I are about to go on spring break. We're looking for good beaches, nightlife and entertainment. Any suggestions on where to stay?

Thanks!
Spring Break Bound

Dear Spring,

Most spring breakers are looking for a warm place for their vacation. Do you know where else is warm? Hell. Avoid the Clap by staying in church, or at least going somewhere cold enough that it allows you to wear several layers of pants. Above all though, have fun!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My son keeps peeing outside! I can't get him to stop, he's 10 years old and I feel like I have to potty train him all over again. He says he's "just being a cave-man." What do I do?

Help,
Cave Boy Dad

Dear Boy,

Obviously this behavior is the result of abuse, and is your child's way of dealing with confused sexual feelings brought on by years of child rape. If you are not the one abusing your child, ask your wife if she is a pedophile. Be sure to interrogate thoroughly, as people are likely to be evasive on this subject. Once you find who his abuser is, separate your child from them (stopping the rape) and the problem should cease.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Hi I am 12 and I have a girlfriend that I really like and I want to give her a gift, not something that is to extreme, but something that she will really like. She likes cats, does that help you any?

From,
Boy in Like

Dear Boy,

Get her a cat.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My ex-boyfriend wants to come back to me, but currently I have boyfriend. Both are lovely men. My current boyfriend takes great care of me, but I feel more spiritually attached to my ex. I can't decide. Do you have any tips?

Thanks,
Two Too Many

Dear Two Too,

It's clear to me that you're most compatible with your ex. He has already tired of you once before and any partner of yours will need a low threshold for funny business when you resume playing your whorish games.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm so worried about my husband; lately he's been acting so strangely and has had a great many problems at work. There have been strange allegations and there's even been talk that he might get fired. He's a deeply spiritual man but I'm worried that there's something he's not telling me. What should I do?

Thank You,
Confused in Colorado Springs

Dear Sprung,

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your letter. Take a good hard look at yourself and your relationship. Harder. Are you doing everything you can to make the marriage work or are you just skating by on easy street? When was the last time the two of you had a nice romantic dinner and made tender love to one another? Lovemaking is something you are both sure to enjoy. It will strengthen your relationship and take his mind off of whatever is troubling him.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I have an issue -- an embarrassing issue that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about. And it's not even really my issue, but I can't stop thinking about it and don't know what to do. My mom has halitosis and it's driving me insane. What should I do?

Please Help,
Breathless Daughter

Dear Daughter,

It can always be a real challenge to address embarassing social issues with someone, regardless of them creating you or not. I like to take the direct approach and mimic their behavior till they see how terrible a trait it is. Load up on the yogurt and sardine smoothies and I'm sure after 4 or 5 months of dealing with your terrible breath, you and your mother will be laughing about the whole thing over sticks of chewing gum.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Last year, my six-year-old son developed a noticeable stutter. We've tried everything including expensive therapy sessions, but the problem seems to be getting worse. We're at wit's end. What should we do?

Sincerely,
Stuttering in South Dakota

Dear South,

I hope your son is a strong boy, because I suggest prepping him for a career in the athletics field. There, stuttering won't be such a problem because athletes are respected more for their physical prowess than their intellectual capabilities or their abilities to express themselves. Also, with more and more of our sporting positions being outsourced to foreigners it'll be good to have a young man of American stock to cheer for.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I think I'm in love! I have been dating a wonderful man for the last 6 months and everything has been wonderful, but neither one of us has ever said 'I love you.' I think I'm ready to tell him that I love him but don't want to spoil a good thing if he doesn't feel the same way. How can I tell if he loves me?

Sincerely,
Dewey-Eyed in Detroit

Dear Motown,

You can't! A real man would never say such a thing to a woman! If yours ever does you must ridicule him for having limp wrists and week seed. The most any red blooded American male will ever say is 'good job there Sissy*' and give you a firm good-natured slap on the rump, anything more is an indication that they have feminine hormones and are likely a transvestite.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am in my 50's, widowed with 5 grown and almost grown children. I have met a wonderful man and it is getting serious. There is one issue that we disagree on and I don't understand why it bothers me so much. He smokes pot - I have made it clear I don't like it, don't want to join in, and don't want him to do it around me. He is fine with that, but why am I getting such bad feelings about this? I just can't seem to get past this issue.

Thanks,
Hash Hater

Dear Hate,

Relax man. I think I know why you're so tense. You need to just relax. Giving Smokey the Bear a tickle is not so bad. Plus you will both be more likely to clean your plates, and who doesn't enjoy a clean plate?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm not comfortable wearing skirts and dresses because my husband constantly insists I have very skinny legs. I know my legs aren't the most shapely, but it's really impacting my self esteem. What should I do?

Thank You,
Leggy Loser

Dear Legs,

I think I understand your problem. During the war years, my then future Mrs. Funboxberg was showing some very skinny legs as well. Fortunately, the rationing ended and we were able to go back to the standards of hearty eating. I recommend a steady diet of sugar, butter, cheese, margarine, cooking fat, bacon, meat, tea, and potatoes. A few meals of these and your legs will be handsome in no time. A little meat on your bones will help ensure a little meat on your bones.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've just had my first baby. Things are wonderful during the day, but at night she cries all the time. What should I do?

From,
Exhausted in Edgeton

Dear Bad Mother,

You have a classic case of what's called "not a good baby." The baby needs to learn to use words. You would be surprised how few parents train their babies to ask politely for what they want and often reward them simply for crying and fussing. If you want food; you don't cry, you ask. We must have the same standards for our babies. You would be surpised that sometimes hunger is a better educator than books.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

A lot of guys flirt with me but I don't want to ask them out and there is this guy who I really like and liked for 3 years and I want him to ask me out so please help me please!

Signed,
Needs a BF

Dear BF,

The problem is that you are not going out with these other gentleman. By dating heavily you'll let this fellow know that it is socially acceptable to date you. This is called a 'pack' mentality. He's sure to ask you out once he thinks it will make him popular.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

This spring, I graduated as a CPA, but still haven't found an accounting job. I'm having trouble coping. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Unemployed

Dear Ploy,

In today's modern society, knowledge becomes dated ever faster. I suggest going back to school. In just four short years you'll be able to learn the skills of today and reenter the work force.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Ever since I became pregnant with my first child, my mother-in-law has had it in for me! I know it's not just me being emotional or imagining things. The other day she said that I was going to be a burden on my husband and that I was "selfish" for wanting a baby. She's never acted like this before, what's going on?

From,
Insulted in Indiana

Dear Indian,

Clearly the problem here is that your mother-in-law feels you are disrupting the family balance. That's why it is of the utmost importance that you assert your dominance. Try 'displaying.' Scream as loud as you can and demonstrate your strength by swinging the nearest object over your head. Make sure you have piloerection (hair standing on end) and that you bare your teeth. It may be necessary to upend coffee tables and shatter crockery. You will know you are successful if your mother-in-law becomes fearful and cowers, and it's a grand slam if she urinates. Remember you are doing this to secure your place, and the place of your child, in the social hierarchy.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My last relationship was a disaster because the man I was with was completely wrong for me in every way. I'm 31 years old. When am I going to start picking men that are good for me or at least compatible?

Needin' Help

Dear Need,

It looks to me like you already picked the right choice and you just don't know it. Spinsterhood! Your calling in life is obviously to be alone and to care for other peoples children when they are away on exciting vactions. It may not be a glamorous life.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm a 22 year-old woman who works full time. Recently, my boss said that I've been very helpful lately and I deserved some fun. He suggested we sleep together. Should I?

Please Help,
Worried Worker

Dear Work,

By all means you should! It's wonderful that your husband has decided he wants to sleep with you and I'm sure it'll be great for your marriage. After you consummate though, don't forget to keep up all the great "work" around the house!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm a 46 year old woman who is in a romantic relationship with a 19 year old man. We truly care for each other but until recently have kept our relationship a secret. Now that we have been dating for a year I think it's time to "go public" but I'm not sure how to broach the subject to him. What should I do?

Thank you,
Older Woman

Dear Old,

Your kind of relationship is by no means something to be ashamed of. Since time immemorial older women have chosen young men to fulfill them sexually. It gives something to both parties, the young man learns how to satisfy his future wife and the woman gets the kind of vigorous sexual release that would otherwise be impossible if she kept to her age range. I myself have enjoyed the pleasure of an older woman's bed. However, this kind of relationship only works with total secrecy! You must suppress your young man's every impulse to reveal the truth with surreptitious glares and thinly veiled threats. Never ever, ever, ever let anyone know that you are a child molester. You'll thank me when he leaves you for your daughter. After all, that's how it happened to me.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I want a mate who is taller than me, makes more money than me, no kids, but wants them. Are those unrealistic goals for a possible match? And if so -- what can I do about it? I want to get married.

Help,
Miss Perfection

Dear Perfecti,

Eat your vegetables, get eight hours of sleep a night, listen to your parents, and don't touch yourself, and I think you'll do just fine.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've been pretty upset about the government's use of taxpayer money to bail out so many of our nation's banks. Do you think it was necessary?

Thanking you in advance,
An Angry Homeowner

Dear Homey,

The simple fact is that the decision to bail out the financial and housing sectors was redder than a meatball sub in the Kremlin Commissary. I suggest doing what I do and going to your nearest bailed-out bank and making a list of customers going into and out of the building. Some might call it paranoid, but I call it keeping track of possible collaborators.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm a Jewish woman who's been happily married to a Catholic man for the past 5 years. When I told my husband the happy news that, in January I'm going to have a baby, our religious differences became a major source of friction. He insists we get the baby baptized but refuses to have a Briss. How can I get him to meet me half way?

Sincerely,
Jaded Jew

Dear Jew,

Interfaith Marriages become a lot more difficult when, as is bound to happen, they produce 'mixed breed' children. It can be difficult for the child, both because of the confusion about how to identify, and because of physical impairments that can arise from genetic incompatibilities between the races. I would recommend that before your husband comes home from work you bake up a batch of latkes, lay out his favorite rosary, and have a nice, romantic, menorah lit, dinner to talk out your differences.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I have been so unhappy in my marriage. My husband has, in the past, treated me meanly and every time I think of it, I get so hurt and angry. I just cannot get over it and move on.

Please help,
Weeping Wife

Dear Weepy,

The answer to your problem is staring you right in the face, or should I say brain. Your thinking too much! Instead of thinking 'I have a husband you treats me poorly.' Try thinking 'I have a husband.' See! Less thinking. Plus less thinking equals big time savings by the end of the week and who couldn't use a little extra time to spend with thier husband?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm in love with my friend's brother. He knows me and knows I like Star Wars (so does he) but he spends so much time in his room when I'm there. How do I know if he likes me or not?

Confused,
Star Gazing Sarah

Dear Gazer,

It sounds like your shared enjoyment of Ronald Regan and his Strategic Defense Initiative program is a good sign. Here are a few facts about Star Wars. Proposed in 1983 did you know that it was a plan to use use ground and space-based systems to protect the United states from attack by strategic nuclear ballistic missiles and it paved the way for some anti-ballstic missile systems of today? Facts like this should get the object of your affection out of his room. If not, try batting your eyes at him while he lights your cigarette.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

There is an issue with the Western Union Money Transfer in the amount of $7.5million directed in cash credited to your file. We are unable to complete the transfer directed on your name so we require some more information in order to complete this transfer. In order to effect this payment, please Contact the western union paying agent for more details, and send the information below to Jack Brockway.

Sincerely
Jack Brockway

Dear Jack,

I had no idea my internet psychoanalysis was so lucrative! I wrote my digital letters to help those in need of my expertise in child rearing, relationships, and lawn care, but who am I to turn down such a hefty sum! This just shows how good my advice is because I advised myself to go into electronic advising. My next peice of advice? Use Jack Brockway for all you money transfer needs.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am really stressing about college. I haven't received my acceptances yet from the colleges I applied to and I am worried that I will not get into any of them. I need ways to stop my stress. HELP ME!!

From
Brad the Grad

Dear Brad Grad,

Do you know what is a great college that accepts everyone that applies? The college of hard knocks. They specialize in a curriculum of street smarts and their cafeteria serves up plates of piping hot life experience. Plus they have a really strong Greek system.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Sarah Pailin says her 17 year old daughter is set to marry the boy who got her pregnant. What do you think about children so young getting married simply based on having a child?
From

Patriotic Parent

Dear Pat,

Their situation makes me think of Iraq. Once you've started down a road, it doesn't matter if it was a mistake or not, you must follow it for the rest of their lives without regard to practicality or your own best interests. I think those kids are gonna make it.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Potty training my 5 year old is a nightmare! He urinates in the toilet but he won't make bowel movements unless he's wearing a diaper! At first I thought he might be constipated, but he goes at least once a day.
Help Me!

In Potty Hell

Dear Gop,

Try teaching the child the wonderful feeling of freedom that comes from making a BM in a toilet. Restrain the child in a sitting position on the receptical until he "poops" (if you are a working parent you may want to take the day off as this can take up to 11 hours). The moment the child makes a bowel movement release him from the restraints and say "good job you pooped." Soon you won't have to tie your child to the potty chair at all and can merely lock him in the bathroom while watching through a closed circuit Television camera.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My husband is a Democrat and I am Republican. We are actually arguing about the elections. I am afraid for our marriage.
Sincerely,

Grateful G.O.P.

Dear Gop,

Why would you argue with your husband about politics? That is like him going into your kitchen and telling you how to wash dishes better. Of course if he did have some advice on your dish washing it couldn't hurt to listen. Listening is an important part of any relationship.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Our neighborhood experiences frequent power outages due to storms. Last year we decided to buy a backup generator and since then a neighbor, Sarah, has begun appearing at our door during these outages and asking to use our refrigerator to store meat, and use our bathroom to apply makeup and shower. I don't want to be impolite but I can't stand this invasion of privacy. Should I tell her to stop?

Sincerely,
'nnoyed Neighbor

Dear Noyd,

While you may wish to be a good neighbor, your situation sounds precariously close to getting out of hand. It may start off with your fridge and bathroom, but it is only a matter of time before Sarah is launching a full incursion in your living room, and syphoning off your precious resources. You need to get on the offensive. Stop over at her place. Borrow eggs, sugar, her car, children if she has them. Go there every day and let her know you won't back off. It's what Eisenhower would have done.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. My boyfriend says I'm really bad at sex. He's even gone so far as to say that I should pay him for sex. One time he asked me to pay him $20 for sex. I did pay him for sex. I think I might love him. I know this is wrong. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Pained in Paradise

Dear Pain,

For starters you could work on your sentence structure, try using a compound sentence or two, and don't end so many of your sentences with the word 'sex.'

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am constantly hungry and eat all the time. I try to cut back on what I eat. Everyone in my family is big and weigh over 200 pounds. I am already at 175, and I am trying not to reach the family benchmark. What should I do? I want to be able to take off my shirt and show off a six pack not my rolls of fat.

Thanks,
Big Guy

Dear Big,

People constantly ask me how I manage to cut such a manlike figure, which to be honest, I find annoying. If I am enjoying a night out in a restaurant with my wife or enjoying music from a gazeebo it does not give you the right to just walk up to me and start asking men's health question. That's why I started this internet process in hopes that with an easy to use forum all of you would stop harassing me in person. Unless of course you are attending the Dr. Funboxberg health and wellness Symposim this weekend in Detroit, New Jersey, which would be the perfect way to find out how to achieve the muscularature of a real man.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I'm 23 years old and I've never had a girlfriend. I've been depressed this week thinking things won't change. What do you do when you're feeling lonely?

Thanks,
All Alone

Dear Al,

I find that nothing cures my loneliness like a nice night at home with the wife. I sit in my easy chair drifting to sleep while The Nightly News plays in the background. My wife does embroidery or something else. It always sends my case of the lonelies packing!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Do you think it's stupid to be in love with a person over the Internet? The local guys are jerks. I've met this guy online and we've been talking for quite some time. I've never ever met anyone I could trust as much. I would like to continue our relationship and make it grow. But I am afraid that people are going to think I am weird.

Help,
Web Woes

Dear Woe,

After some quick research, it has come to my attention that you are not alone. Hundreds of people use the internet to find the love everyday, and like you, what they are doing is wrong. Going onto the world wide web to 'surf' for a 'cyber boyfriend' is only for burn victims and the house ridden obese. Society has set up acceptable ways to find a mate and going outside these carefully developed norms can only lead to trouble. The two acceptable choices to finding a husband are: ask your older married sister to set you up on a blind date, or got to a military gala ball. Good Luck!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am a student working on my doctorate. All of my classes are seminars, focused on discussion of the texts we read. Every time I make a point to speak, a specific fellow student immediately responds with a negative comment about what I said, or argues with me. She does not do this to anyone else in the class. I have tried to find classes she was not taking, but then she would switch over to my class. How should I handle her?

From,
Drowned out in Delaware

Dear Drown,

I remember well the years when I was going for my doctorate. It can be a competitive environment. In the past I would have recommend that you attempt to destroy your academic rivals by whatever means necessary. When I tried to publish my dissertation on Negative Reinforcement I had to expose two professors as adulterers and fight a duel with acid (When they say "Publish or Perish" they mean it!). But this has all changed with the introduction of women into the classroom. Now you have a second option, a marriage proposal. Once she says yes and becomes in love with you, her academic aspirations will cease, and your shirts will never have been cleaner.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Last week, my boyfriend bought me a bikini as a "just because" gift. It looks great, and fits, but I don't feel comfortable wearing it or even changing in front of him until I lose some weight. What should I do?

From,
Beach Betty

Dear Bet,

What you should do is be married. Bikinis? Changing? Comfortable? What kind of hedonistic society do you think we live in? Even your weightloss woes can be blamed on your single stature. As my sassy postal woman says, "Once you get that ring, weight don't mean a thing." She should know. She is obese and happily married.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

From,
Beach Betty

Dear Bet,

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I have a 40-year-old daughter who is a single mother with her own 4-year-old daughter. My daughter is contemplating moving in with her boyfriend. I am not in favor of this. I see many problems ahead. Please give me your opinion.

Best Wishes,
Detroit Mom

Dear Mom,

Sometimes you have to let your children live their own lives, and in this case I recommend going one step farther and disowning her. Is this hussy of a woman and her bastard child really what you want people associating with you? Try taking up gardening instead. Plants are like children but better. Children can't do photosynthesis.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My son's 8th birthday is in 3 weeks and he's refusing to invite one boy who he does not get along with. While, I don't particularly care for the child's parents I feel since we're inviting the rest of his class, the boy should be included. My husband disagrees. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Concerned Carol

Dear Car,

Surprise! Your husband is right! Just kidding, it's no surprise that he's right, and here's why (other than he is your husband). One day these children will turn into real people, and it will be easier for them when they've already learned that some people aren't as good as others. My guess is that this boy is one of the not as good ones. He should be excluded now so it won't hurt as much later. It's really the kindest thing to do.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Please help, I hate my body! Every time I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I have very low self esteem. I try to tell myself appearance isn't everything, but I can't help feeling like the ugliest girl in school.

Sincerely,
Ugly Betty

Dear Betty,

Sounds to me you are spending too much time looking into a mirror instead of looking into your heart. It's there you'll find what the boys are really looking for; A love of blind agreement and domestic duties. He won't have time to look at your plain old face between how fast your head is nodding and how bright the kitchen floor is shining!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams this August. Although his parents are wonderful, I'm a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life...particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé's laundry, cooks his lunches daily, and cleans his house. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Doubting Daughter In-Law

Dear Law,

It is natural to feel jealous of her. Right now she's doing everything that it should be your job to do! Try to understand it from her perspective. How can she be sure that you will be able to care for her son the way she can? Sit her down over a cup of piping hot tea and talk out your feelings. Explain that your husband isn't replacing his mother, but rather, he's now going to now have two mothers. Then just sit back and watch your friendship grow and the laundry tips fly!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My fiancé loves role-playing and fantasy games. She hopes to have plastic surgery to make her ears elvish-looking. I love her very much, and don't know how to tell her how much this bothers me. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Confused in Philadelphia

Dear Philly,

Believe it or not, your problem is not a new one. Most women have low self-esteem, which manifests itself in worries about the fat parts of their bodies. In this case, it seems your fiancé is unsatisfied with her fat, fat ears and needs a bit of reassurance. Tell her that she's beautiful, and mention that she should stop eating "just in case". Also remind her that she's about to play the roll of all: that of a married woman, and that her fantasies won't require elf ears at all, as she won't need those for dusting.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My sisters and I have settled the estate of my mother except for one item. Mom's cookbooks. In particular one cookbook that Mom used and in which she modified recipes. My Mother was a phenomenal cook and this book is a real bone contention for us all. What should we do?

Sincerely,
Starving Sis

Dear Starve,

I would recommend a cook off. Your mother would have wanted the cookbook to got to whoever the best cook is. Sure this may inspire hard feelings that will last for years, but it will be worth losing your sisters to know the book is in the right hands. (For a leg up on your sisters, try using a secret ingredient that will make your food taste better. It works for the pros!)

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and I recently brought up the idea of marriage. I know she loves me but she responded to the idea with uncertainty. I've brought this idea up multiple times but I always get the same answer. I'm beginning to think that she doesn't want to get married, what should I do?

Sincerely,
Bachelor in Boise

Dear Bach,

It's not uncommon for women to be unsure about things like marriage. Often times it feels to them like they have no options. That's why it's important that when you discuss this subject, you mention her choices and find out what she wants. For example, you could ask her if being an old spinster with no one to care for her is really what she wants? If she is still reticent, you should focus on what she thinks her alternatives might be. Does she really think she can do any better?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My wife states she is dissatisfied with our marital relations. She says that I am less equipped than most men and that I need to find ways to compensate. She controls me and goes off to have relations with other men whom she says are more satisfying. She constantly degrades me. I really want to please her, but she just laughs. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Hurt Hubby

Dear Hub,

I am afraid that you are trying to win an uphill battle. Women were not designed by our creater to experience satisfaction from marital relations. However, a modern myth seems to be teaching women the opposite. How many marriages must be ruined due to this fictitious female orgasim? Just explain to her that intimacy is not to bring her pleasure but to bring her babies. As an added tip, tell her to squeeze her eyes tightly shut while you are perfoming on her. My wife swears by it.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

We have a co-worker with a body odor (perspiration). How do we tell him?

Hurry Please,
Sick of Smelling

Dear Sick,

You don't. He smells how real men smell. Men like him won the war.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My best friend's husband is cheating on her with a neighbor of mine. I see him with her often during the weekday. My friend has wonderful children and I hesitate to rock the boat. Should I tell my friend? Should I send her an anonymous letter? I would hate to be the one to break my friend's heart.

Tell me what to do,
A Good Friend

Dear A Good,

It can be very difficult to tell the truth when you know the truth will hurt someone you care deeply for. I find the golden rule most useful in cases like these. Ask yourself this, are you happy not knowing about your husband's affair, or would you rather know and be miserable and alone?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am currently in a wonderful relationship and, although we have no plans for getting married in the near future, it is a possibility. I think he's perfect for me in every way except for the fact that he doesn't like children. I definitely want to have some someday. Should I bail before we get more serious and I realize that I won't have a family with him?

Sincerely,
Maybe Mom

Dear May,

I think the reason he doesn't want to have children with you is he isn't sure if you take the relationship seriously. Look at the letter you sent me, "...we have no plans for getting married..." Now does that sound like someone you would want to procreate with? Start talking about wanting to get married and have a large family as much as possible. This will let him know you are serious and get those fathering juices boiling!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

How appropriate is it to call my boyfriend of four years? I have been taught not to call men. However, occasionally, not often, he does not give me a good morning call. I wait until lunchtime to give him a call. Is it alright to call him?

Waiting to hear from you,
Phone Fears

Dear Phone,

Nowadays, with the advent of the telephone, more and more women are faced with a similar dilemma. As technology advances our attitudes about what is and isn't acceptable are likely to change as they adapt to the new environment. After all, 20 years ago this same letter could have been about whether or not a woman should write letters to a man! However, it is never acceptable for a woman to call a man. If it's an absolute emergency you should have your father or brother call on your behalf.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I hate the smell of my girlfriend's hair. She uses an apple-scented shampoo that literally makes me nauseous! How do I kindly ask my girlfriend to switch shampoos? I don't want to insult her... I don't want to suffer either...

Thanks,
Sadly Sniffing

Dear Sad,

The key to any working relationsip is honesty. Just sit her down, explain to her how you are feeling, and tell her that you would like to break up.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am married to a man who only married me because I was pregnant. He said that he does not love me but is trying to do the right thing. My question is: do you think that in time he can love me? Am I kidding myself that he will eventually love me, or will he eventually get more frustrated and unhappy? I see that he is very unhappy but wants to try for the well-being of the child. Some honest advice would be helpful to me.

Sincerely,
Looking for Love

Dear Looking,

I think that if you check again you will find that you are in fact happily married and you both love each other. If you were not you would not have been able to become pregnant.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My 3-year-old son, soon to be 4, is obsessed with wearing dresses. He has been interested in dresses since he could talk. At first, I thought he just wanted to be like his older sister and I, but now he wants to wear them all the time. It is very painful for him to be denied this. His crying when refused his wish to wear a dress is sincere and breaks my heart. I do not want to hurt, or interfere with my son's true identity. Please help.

Sincerely,
Phobic Parent

Dear Phob,

A great way to stop a child's interest in something is to pair it with something they hate. Is your little boy afraind of spiders? Fill a dress full of spiders and give it to him. You can do the same thing with ants or any insect you may have on hand to fill dresses with.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My last relationship was a disaster because the man I was with was completely wrong for me in every way. I'm 31 years old. When am I going to start picking men that are good for me or at least compatible?

Sincerely,
Picking Promblems

Dear Picker,

If you have a problem picking the right men for yourself the obvious solution is to let someone else pick for you. The world is filled to the brim with happily married couples who had no idea who they were going to marry until it was too late. It's called match making and it works. Try asking your parents to pick the perfect man for you. They made you, they should know best. Don't believe me? Just ask my wife. Or should I say former stranger?

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I run a child care business from my home and am most disturbed by my next door neighbor who sunbathes in her back yard with nothing on but a skimpy bikini. There is really not much room in between our houses and parents of children have even mentioned it. I am embarrassed to say anything because it is her property. Who am I to ask that she is more modest around all of these children and parents?

Sincerely,
Prude Au Pair

Dear Pair,

As adults we would all like to expose our seductive bodies to the world, but we cannot lose sight of what is important, the children. We must ensure that they don't get the wrong idea about what is acceptable behavior. Try taking all the children outside while the woman is sunbathing. Point at her and scream "No!" over and over as loud as you can. This will help the children place skimpy clothing in the proper negative light. The same technique can be used to help with bed-wetting.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?

Sincerely,
Worried Wife

Dear Wife,

You have figured out the solution already, but you are too caught up in the problem to realize it. Have children as soon as possible. Nothing stops a man from fulfilling his dreams like the heavy weight of family around his neck. A Funboxberg family secret for getting pregnant in a hurry is doing jumping jacks immediately after copulation. The vigorous jumping will jostle his seed all over your eggs.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am a 27-year-old man interested in a woman at work. We are almost the same age and have an excellent work relationship. Due to sexual harassment laws and other workplace laws, it is difficult to ask someone out at work. How can I do this without risking my job?

Sincerely,
Emotional Employee

Dear Employ,

Let me start by reassuring you that your job is perfectly safe. In this modern day with people working more hours than ever before, bosses understand that sometimes the only place where men can meet woman is in the workplace. Plus as soon as the courtship begins she will be quitting. Those pies aren't going to bake themselves. Just ask my wife! She's at home baking pies.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I wanted to write and tell you that I love your advice column, I think it's great! I read your respone on in-laws and I feel so much more in tune with myself and situations of my own that I'm facing with my in-laws. Your advice is wonderful, keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Fawning Fan

Dear Fawn,

I must remind you and others like you who keep sending me letters like this: I write an advice column. If you do not have a question please stop cluttering up my in box. Also, from reading your letter I got the feeling you have intimacy issues. Feel free to write in to get help with that.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My new in-laws are very nice people. However, they are cheap. We have not received a single wedding gift. I want my husband to confront his family about it but we just end up arguing. Dr.Funboxberg, they didn't even buy us a card! Do you think he should talk to his family?

Sincerely,
Aggravated in Albany

Dear Aggro,

It sounds to me like the problem is less that they are cheap, and more that they don't approve of you. I often with hold money and presents from my loved ones when they act in a manner I have deemed inappropriate. Take a long look at yourself and see if there is anything you can change to make yourself more appealing to your in-laws. One thing I can think of right off the bat is stop disagreeing with your husband so much. I'm sure they don't like seeing their own son treated in such a disrespectful manner. Pretty soon you will be getting your fill of the greatest present of all, silent approval.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I have 2 dogs. They use our yard and I do clean it up 3 times a week. My next door neighbor wants me to clean up immediately after the dogs. I work full time and have two young children. I just can't do this every day. How often should I clean my yard? Would there be a law about this?

Sincerely,
Aggravated in Albuquerque

Dear Aggro,

It's your duty as an American to make sure your lawn is well maintained. If you can only clean up three times a week you might consider using patches of sod twice a week to cover the leavings so they don't offend the eyes of passers by. If that doesn't work you should consider putting the animals down, or perhaps just killing one thereby halving your workload. Also, your crabgrass is spreading onto my lawn, and I've noticed your daughter has started to dress like a strumpet. Please take care of these things before I'm forced to take matters into my own hands.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I would like to know which candidate you will endorse for the 2008 elections and what is your take on the recent Iowa caucus?

Sincerely,
Poli-Sigh

Dear Polly,

I would love to answer your question and the hundreds of others I have recieved during this politically charged time in our nation's history, but I am afraid I must abstain. Wanting to help people with their problems and politics just do not mix.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am a 21-year-old college student and have a terrific boyfriend who would do anything for me. My friends think I should tell my parents who have no idea I even have a boy friend but the problem is they'd disown me if they found out about him because he's black. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Dark Secret

Dear Dark,

Let's not jump to conclusions. First off, are you sure he's black? I know you've been dating for a while, but maybe you've just been frequenting dark places. If you're spending most of your time together in movie theaters and over candle lit dinners, there's a chance he's not black at all, merely shadowy. Try an afternoon trip to the park, or attend a well-lit event just to be sure. Hopefully he will be one of the races your parents approve of, but if not, tell him he can be as black as he wants just not when your parents are around. Remember though, relationships are a two-way street; you'll have to be whatever race his family likes best too.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am twenty years old. I have the opportunity to work as a silent partner in fake ID production shop for the local college students. I would want to be to be a silent partner with absolutely no paper trail linking me to the business. I think this fake ID business could be a gold mine. What do you think of the problems it could present?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Crook

Dear Concerm,

It is moral choices like these that define a man. Do you follow the path of righteousness to its reward of self respect, or do you tread heavily on the road of criminal intentions that dead ends in town of monetary gain? I can only advise you to do the right thing and leave these hooligans to their nefarious doings. However, if you are determined to do wrong, may I recommend that you go about it the smart way. Rather than giving those cretins money, it would seem to be wiser to just threaten to turn them in unless they give you a part of the proceeds. Only a rube puts up his own money.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I have a ten-year-old daughter who is beginning to follow rock and roll music groups and singers. I listened to one of the CDs recently and was not happy with the tunes or the lyrics. I can't take the music away from her; all her friends listen to them too. What should I do to minimize this kind of thing in our home?

Sincerely,
Music Lover

Dear Lover,

This is not a new problem. Children want to do things that the parents know are wrong, but "all their friends are doing it." I still have nightmares about when my daughter went through her pants wearing phase. Thankfully modern science has the answer, electricity. I mild shock can be a positive way to remind your daughter that you disapprove. If it's strong enough to dissuade the criminally insane, it will work on the average teenager (just ask my dress wearing daughter). Two tips to remember: make sure to increase the voltage after every week so to keep her from becoming desensitized, and don't forget to wear a mask when administering the dosage so she won't link your face to these painful feelings. I think you'll be shocked by the results!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I've been living with my boyfriend for 6 months. I'm 30; he's 50. I've never lived with anyone before. He's been married and lived with people. I've been surprised to find that it feels uncomfortable to me to be living with him without being married. I guess it feels unreal to me, as though we are pretending to be something that I want us actually to be. We've talked about marriage and children as likely in our future together, but increasingly, I want to be married right now. Should I tell him how urgently I'm feeling this, or hope that I calm down? Should I ask him how he would feel about marrying sooner rather than later? And why, when he gives me every indication that he's planning his future with me, should I feel the need for us to marry so soon?

Sincerely,
Hearing Bells

Dear Bell Listener,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't think that you are going to get married. See, the sad truth of the matter is, men don't want to marry harlots, and who else but a harlot would move in with a man before she was married? On the brighter side of things, at least you can look forward to an exciting life bouncing from one man's bed to the next, staving off the intense loneliness you will undoubtedly feel, by shortly being filled with the indifferent thrusts of whoever most recently took pity on you. Here's to adventure!

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am 34 years old and have been an introvert all my life. I simply feel more comfortable talking to some people and tend to clam up around others. Since I have this shyness and insecurity, people sometimes think I act like a snob. I feel bad about this and have few friends. I want to make more friends. Help!

Sincerely,
Lonely Guy

Dear Loner,

I once felt much like you did, except that everyone liked me. Wanting a closer bond with your fellow man is an understandable urge. Who wouldn't want to surround themselves with people who think like them, and are even willing to die for them. And heck, if you get to shoot a couple guys who look different then you in the process all the better. That's why I think you should join the Army! It's a good way to make friends and fight communism. Nothing says be my friend like holding a gun. Plus the bond of a pal dieing in your arms is a hard one to break. Not to mention the marching, the three square meals a day, and not being a homosexual. Plus if the sad day comes when you have to leave the armed forces you'll have guaranteed conversations starters like, "How did you loose that leg?" and "Why do you look so sad?" Trust me, you won't live to regret it.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

My boyfriend told me he loved me. Then he dumped me for another girl who lives in his town. He and I live over 1000 miles away from each other. How do I get him back?

Sincerely,
Far and Away

Dear Away,

I recommend changing the way you look. Sometimes men get bored with the women they are in a relationship with and then due to acceptable manly urges, have to go find another woman who they find "attractive." He loved you when he thought you were the prettiest girl he could get, but now he has obviously met someone prettier. It's up to you to really doll yourself up. Remember though; make sure to remain a lady. The only thing being easy will get you is an easy trip to public embarrassment. Of course that only applies in public. When alone make sure you do what he wants (see above comment about manly urges). Also, think about moving to somewhere close to him. He might like you more if he doesn't have to put so much effort into the relationship.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

I am 15. My best friend has a mother who is always on her case about everything she does. She is the middle of five daughters. Her mom is always after her about boys calling, housecleaning, and other chores. Everyday I go over and help her with her chores because she is not permitted to go out. My friend makes it worse by yelling at her mother, forging her signature, and lie to her. How can I help them?

From,
A Concerned Friend

Dear Overly Concerned Friend,

The first thing you need to do in this situation is take a giant step back and look at the whole picture. What do you notice? I notice that you seem to have a problem minding your own business. Whatever happened to respecting ones elders? Imagine, yelling at her mother! One of the unalterable rules of life is that parents have the right to treat their children however they want. How could a fifteen year old who doesn't even have a child of her own know better than that girl's poor mother?

Perhaps, since you have so much time on your hands to think about how you would raise a child, you should have one of your own? Not only would you then be helping the other family by not nosing in on their personal affairs, but also you would finally be doing your part as a woman.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.,

I'm a long time fan, first time writer, and I have a problem. You see, I have two good friends who are going through a harsh breakup with each other after a multi-year relationship. And since they're both my good friends, they both call me to vent. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Obviously I must have allegiances to one friend more than the other.", but I really don't, and I really have tired to leave myself available to each friend as a source of support.

Here's where my problem comes in. Being privy to each of their thoughts, I get to see both sides of the situation. I get to see all the incorrect perceptions, and the source of miscommunications, and hear what frustrates one about the other. Now, I've always been really good about keeping respective conversations confidential and not tell one of them something I have heard from the other. But sometimes it's really hard to hear someone be miserable over an unanswered question, when I in fact know the answer to their question and I can't give it to them. That's just one example of the kind of dilemmas I've found myself in every now and then. But I've always kept my mouth shut...until this past weekend.

This past weekend my friend ("John") was talking to me about the breakup and asked me how to handle a particular area of it. This same area is possibly the greatest source of turmoil for my other friend ("Rosie"), in fact she had complained about it that same week. And it's all because Rosie is getting mixed signals as to John's intentions (i.e. Is this a Break Up? Or just a Break?). The truth of the matter is John isn't sure about that question himself, but he has already had feelings for other girls, dated one of them, and is trying to date another. So I broke my silence and told John all about Rosie's confusion and that he should be as clear as possible about his intentions, and give her a straight answer. In short, since it looks like he isn't planning on going back to that relationship, he should tell her that so she can move on.

Long story short, he did, and Rosie was pretty hurt. She im'ed me briefly, saying that she felt screwed over and not to be surprised if no one hears from her for a while and I haven't talked to her since (a few days ago). So I'm not sure if she is mad at me, John, or even if she's mad at all (it's hard to discern emotions over instant messaging). But I have a feeling she is mad, and that I should apologize to her for sharing her thoughts with John. But I don't know how much time I should give her before I do.

Help me Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D. How long should I wait before apologizing or should I not apologize at all? Did I just screw up and involve myself too much into something that had nothing to do with me? And where can I find the best mashed potatoes in town? They always cheer me up, if only for a bit.

Many Thanks,
IheartMashedPotatoes

Dear Mr. Potatoes,

In my 35 years of experience I have learned that women are like sewing machines, it's best to let a woman handle them. Ask yourself this, would you get upset if a sewing machine stopped talking to you? No, in cases like this it's really for the best to let woman have a good cry by themselves, not in public where a man could see it. A man with a wet shoulder is hardly a man at all.

My question is this though, what did Rosie do wrong to get dumped in the first place? Is she unattractive? Obese perhaps? If she is, she'll probably know where to get those mashed potatoes. In the end I would try not to worry about it so much. Is an unattractive friend really a friend at all? Not if she's a woman she's not.

Dear Dr. Funboxberg, Ph.D.

Which imaginary film would be better: SPARTACUS starring Chris Tucker and Mario Lopez or BIRTH OF A NATION starring Carrot Top and John Ratzenberger

Sincerely,
Film Fan

Dear Mr. Fan

Birth of a Nation